Already had some boxes which just made me cry. He gave me back the negatives from our wedding photos, kids' photos, first gifts, daddy books.... Feel like saying “what a Sxxt you have been”, how would I have known you took all and so many of these things? That's the point where I think maybe, but for the cancer... But then something else comes along, a moment, refusal or a warm text and I am back to day one of discovery. Are you using me again to achieve your ultimate goal? This time it's smooth over your pending death, look after and make it calm for our kids and take the burden off M?

I know I shouldn't have done it, but I open an email from ex pouring his heart out to me about how unhappy he is, that he has lost the person he loved most in the world, it's full of regret and self loathing. How he cannot hurt the OW either - WTF does that mean? My boys are with him and he should be concentrating on them and not this situation. The house is so quiet without them here. It feels like to me that I am hearing that devasting news for the first time again and I cannot stop crying. I don't know why I am like this or what's wrong with me. I know it;s his email. I worked on

Its been a few months since my last blog. Xmas came and went as the best for a few years. It was my turn to have my two and they still haven't opened all their presents. New Year I decided not to sit watching TV all night on my own for a change and babysat my niece so my brother and wife could go out partying with all our coupled friends. Niece soon fell asleep so I got on with writing a report I had to do for work. I know, exciting doesn't do it justice. Over Xmas seems like my ex is reaching out to my family who were all sent cards from her, it and my children. My mum failed to