Well, made it through another week. Saw the counsellor again on Wednesday, not sure if it's helping or not. Thursday was a really bad day for me, was online in chatroom and kids started playing up, I could hear them bickering in the other room, went in to find out what was going on. I had already allowed them to stay up a bit later than usual to watch a particular TV programme. The reason they were arguing was so silly, I completely lost it-switched off TV, told them to go to bed. Daughter then started crying, saying that I always punished both of them when it was only her brother who was in

Was on a pedeatric first aid course today, so away from usual work environment. Had bad day yesterday, and cried all the way to course this morning.

Day was ok, nice people, chance to focus on other things. Went to gym on way home, did 5.5 km on treadmill, felt really comfortable (mainly because I could see myself running in mirror, and was chanting to myself as I ran "she will get fat, she will get varicose veins, she already has more wrinkles than me, her boobs will go saggy - childish I know, but heyho)

Got home, and had just got into shower when phone rang, one of the children answered.

Have not gone into work again today - can't face it. All the feelings of positivity I managed to dredge up yesterday have disappeared and I am back here feeling crap,  thinking about the past, wondering what to do next and what is going to happen to me ..

You know, I used to think that my wedding day was the best day of my life but now all I feel is regret at the decision I made and anger at the 15 years of my life that I have wasted on this idiot ! My life could have been SO different but, instead, here I am at 44 on my own, with no family or children - totally alone. I made the stupid