So, I met the man of my dreams yesterday. After an initial few minutes of awkwardness you would expect from meeting anyone for the first time it just felt like we had known each other forever. We had a walk along the beach and I really feel like the old Sarah found herself again. I could be myself, my real self; I didn't have to hold back. He would tell you I am mad, but I hope a good mad. He is the whole package; the chemistry was so definitely there too. He makes me feel so alive, so warm, so sensual and yes the smile was so definetely still there. No, that is wrong, inside I am still smiling but now to the tornado.
My court case today, another matter entirely. Firstly, my babysitter let me down 20 mins before leaving home, so I had to hastely make alternative arrangements. I was already stressed out at leaving my baby all day and being so many miles away.
My reason to smile sent me some really lovely, and I mean really lovely texts whilst I was driving to court this morning. I was probably not in the best frame of mind to be driving but....... So I was late for court, couldn't park and then came the first tornado. My barrister told me it was not even worth going into court, that I was going to lose. I needed to accept that the judge was going to award him unspervised contact and that I should just accept it.
Me being me, said "No!" I faced up to him in court and got ripped to shreds by his barrister. It was evident that the judge had already made up his mind. My x2b had character references coming out his ears saying what a crap wife I had been and how he was the doting dad, and that he was so much happier now even though faced with what I was putting him through.
I was portrayed as bitter and doing it purely as revenge against him. I have only ever done whay I have done because I love my children and they are my world.
He continues to deny all abuse and even accused me of some. Questions my barrister asked of him portrayed him in his true light but the judge chose to ignore this. My barrister even told me that I was lucky to have the better of the 2 judges sitting today.
In summing up, the judge said that I was the controller in the relationship and that I should let him get on with the job of being a doting dad. My x2b was seen as a pillar of the community and I was made out to be a neurotic mother.
Now I had to wait whilst a list of undertakings not worth the paper they were written on where devised. I was left on my own and all I could do was cry. My reason to smile, responded to my text of need and listened to me cry my eyes out uncontrollably. I am trying to tell him, that he is my future but he has doubts about my feelings. We have both been hurt in our relationships and are in self preservation mode I guess.
He questions my feelings about my x2b! One decision I know was the right one and not once questioned is that my marriage was over a long time ago. Now I need my reason to smile to pay attention to what I am about to say.
My x2b has a new partner, and they sat in the pub garden outside the court at the end of the court case. I realised something at that point. I have denied hating my x2b, I have always believed, or made excuses for his behaviour and put it down to the compulsive gambling and excessive drinking. Whilst he may have had mental health issues in the past, I have now come to realise that he is just not a nice man. I don't need to make excuses for him anymore, he is not my problem. I hate what he has done to me and the abuse I have suffered, but I am strong, I am not a victim any more, I can move on because now I can admit that my x2b is not a nice man but he is my children's father and I have no choice but to let things take their natural course. I have to let my children realise for themselves what their dad is like. I will be there for them, I will comfort them when it all goes wrong, but I have to let it go wrong.
My x2b is now trying to rush the decree absolute through before the AR is finalised. I thought that I needed to wait for the AR before I got the absolute. Although money is useful, I need to sever my ties with this man once and for all. It is only a piece of paper, bring it on.
My reason to smile, is a very private person so I won't say any more about us except to say there is so definetely an us. I did something in court today that the last 3 times I couldn't do. I looked directly at my x2b. My children will grow up to be happy however he treats them because I know I will be, I know I am happy with my life and they will always have my love and support, even when I am at a loss to do anything.
Today was hard, real hard but I had to do it and prove to myself that I am strong and that he no longer controls my life. I gave my all in court today and no, it didn't go my way but I tried, for my children.
For the first time in 7 months I realise that I control my life and not him. I am in control of my destiny. Any decision I make is about me and the children. I am capable of making decisions and whatever they are I don't care if he doesn't like it. That is his problem.
I have shed my share of tears today but now I must smile for tomorrow. Look for the sunshine that walked into my life yesterday in a split second and wear the sunglasses because I have a bright future ahead of me.