after living in almost total seclusion at my family home here in canada,i gues it is time to move on back to the "real world".although i would/have been "just content" wolling in my self pity,sleeping or just lying in bed,maybe coming into the little slepy city to check e mails,and play computer poker.this is no life.i have not gotten out of the self pity stage and i am getting sick and tired of being sick and tired.i have no reason to even get out of bed and when i do i just watch t v.weather is good but why even go for a walk on the beach may run into someone and have to socialize.when i do socialize it is usually with a few beers and after a couple i feel relaxed but i know that that is not the answr.the local pub has been a saving grace in that respect,people i do not know making chit chat ..well it is something but time is running out,i have to be out by thursday at the latest going back to the city where the ex is living in "our house".well i still own it so i have the right to live there.here is the rub she is going to buy me out,give me a % of the sale price that $ and a nother check i am waiting for will give me a nest egg and i could live off of that for awhile.looking for a job consists of just dropping a few resumes through the e mail and hoping that somebody wants me.teh friends that were in contact have stopped and i do not blame them i have not been to responsive ,living in my comfort zone and not returning calls or offers ,when i do i feel great but thinking of it gives me headaches but once i get there it is ok.i have no real motavation but that has to stop.hell i should not even be here i should be cleanning my car getting ready for the next stop.once she "buys" me out then where do i go?i cannot come back here the winter would just kill me but i have no plan.never did ,live life day by day as long as the money,job,wife,dog were there -get up and do it again.the for the first time in my 56 years i am worried about the future to the point that i think i am driving myself crazy.do i just get in the car and see where it leads me? do i get an appartment and use up my $ cash resrve?do i get on a plane and just fade away?i really do not have a plan and that is what is driving me crazier by the day.i was alaways the "good time guy" and now i am?????????
on a good note though we did go to see some music( a friend who is divorced 3 years and in rougher shape than me) last sat night.there was this lady with whom i had a few words with and was pretty hot.i mustered up the courage to ask her to dance and after a couple of minutes she said she was too drunk to dance so we stopped.i am still thinking of her but maybe we will meet again!!! just even thinking of someone else is a plus i guess.