As in the last ten years, my friends and I went for our regular weekend to the New Forest camping.
This year was very different though. Very different because this was the first year I would be going as a single man.
My daughter was with me which was great of course, but to be not with the person I loved dearly, cut quite deeply. I have so many happy memories of this campsite from years gone by and by this time around I was very different in myself. People who know me know that I like to be very much the centre of attention and I like to make people laugh. If I achieve this I am a very happy human, and I think one of the main reasons I go is because I'll know I'll make people laugh. This year I was quiet, subdued and quite aloof.
My daughter had fun of course, which is the main thing. But when she went to bed and we all sat around chatting, giggling and drinking cheap nasty lager, the reality sets. I was the only single guy there and went to bed early on both nights.
After seeing the doctor last week I knew I needed some help. I have been prescribed Prozac the one drug I have always feared.
My brother had a nervous breakdown when he was 21. He too had his heart broken from his true love and I think even now (he is happily married to a different, lovely girl) he never recovered. You see, my brother was on Prozac for three years. Three years!! He said to come down from the drug was torture but that it did work. He also told me some good advice just after Christmas of last year. He told me, "Believe me Andy, I know you have hit rock bottom and I know where you are but trust me mate, if you are not careful there is a place that is below rock bottom and you really don't want to go anywhere near that place."
I think I found that place 2 weeks ago.
In my lifetime I have never understood people who have suffered from depression. Depression to me was self inflicted (I suppose it still is from a certain point of view) and was for people who didn't want to make change for themselves and be content to be thoroughly miserable. I would like to set the record straight and say that I am truly sorry for ever doubting you as I have felt the depths of depression over the last few weeks or so.
Depression where getting out of bed is a problem and a chore, depression where to tidy up is a job too far and leave it all to the subconscience mind. I must beat this horrible condition quickly.
I have spoken to my stbx today on the phone for nearly an hour. I know in my heart of hearts I have lost that girl forever. She is in love with someone else, someone who won't commit to her but someone who makes her feel different. I don't think I am even sad anymore. I am heartbroken, yes, but I am glad she is happy. I am not an evil person by any means even though I would quite like to give this man a piece of my mind but I know she's gone from my life forever now and it really is up to her to make up her own mind.
I told her I have met someone. Someone who makes me too feel different. Someone who makes me feel special when I wake up. As expected, she wasn't hurt and said, "good for you!" (I did expect this comment) and she asked who she was and where she lived, what she did for a living etc etc...... It felt a bit funny of course but behind the facade I know she will be a little upset. The repressed feelings she has always had will never be revealed, she has had this since childhood and her whole family are the same. A family that simply won't address conflict and issues and would be better if we were to "hide and store" our feelings. I shan't be missing any of that anymore.
My weekend was very good, like I have said, it felt very strange to go without my ex-wife, but in time this will all be the making of me. The man that I now must become must be more robust and solid for he does have a future, a future that will be wonderful to live and breathe again, but that future is down to him and to him only to decide as to whether he wants to live for it.
Thanks to all my wiki mates who have given me the love and support that I desperately need to help me move on.