Since my last blog and since I separated from my ex, 2 years pretty much by the end of this month.
During this time, my baby girl has become a fully fledged princess, and my little boy an 8 year old adult. They are still finding it difficult to understand, they stay with me less now than they did, since my ex moved my sons school making it difficult for them to stay with me during the week. We have less time with each other, and I feel less and less like their father, more like a strange uncle who lives around the corner, but might as well be on the other side of the planet.
They are with me this weekend, well from last night until Monday morning, when I will take one of them to school. My little girl, asked me why she cant live me all the time last night, and I don't really have an answer for that question, it brings a tear to my eye when she says it, as I can think of nothing more that I would want.
I have to keep reminding myself that I was unhappy when I lived with my ex, so unhappy that I had to call it a day, knowing full well that living without my angels would break my heart every day, and two years on, all I can say is that it does break your heart to not wake up with them in your life.
My ex doesn't really see me as anything more than a walking wallet, and glorified baby sitter, who will drop anything and come running as soon as she offers me a chance to see them. I find myself creating excuses to visit, usually taking back something that they have left at my house, so that I get a "cheeky cuddle" with them. My son cooks up the little plans for me to come over, by hiding homework or reading books in his room at my place and then saying he needs them.
I will never be happy without them, and I am thinking that they feel the same, I am worried about how I can continue to cope, living within a stones throw, but not being able to see them.
Its not just the access that upsets me, its the withdrawal of parental rights that my ex has decided she is entitled dilute so much, and inch at a time, I feel less and less like a significant part of their lives.
My life has been on hold, for two years now, but so much has changed around me, in their lives, and hers. I am in limbo, and I don't really know what to do about it, for me to move on I have to let go, and I will never let go of them, and therefore I can never move on, my ex made me miserable, and she will do the same to them.
Not much hope or cheer in this blog, not sure why I chose to do it, I guess these feelings are better out than in!
I have some hard decisions to face into, and I can't put them off forever...