Roasting hot today 42 degs C. Everybody sweating buckets under the unforgiving sun. We had the computer network crash today so I was not able to lose myself in work like I would normally do. Consequence........bad attack of the blues and a crisis of self confidence. Doubting myself, doubting that my analysis of my wife and I's relationship problems. Thinking once again that it was all me that caused the split. My excessive drinking, that I started all the bloody arguements. So I printed out our e mail fight that I had saved on my laptop.
The clues are all in the language that people use. They way they answer or fail to answer the points that you raise, the questions that you ask, the answers that are given or not given. She had ignored much of my points and picked out of context phrases to suit her defense of her behaviour.It was as though she had not read what had been written and the reply's were to a totally different e mail. There is a word which escapes me just now though I think it is negation perhaps which describes how a Controlling Abusive turns everything into a form of communication that only the abuser can appreciate. It is used to make the victim feel as though their reality is not real, that they are 'imagining things'. I know this to be the case but at the moment I am continualy doubting myself.It must be me is what I hear in my head.I must have been so bad to her that I always deserved the shouting,the screaming the sheer bloody anger that she would let loose. " Why do I have to f******g bully you into doing the right thing"?She never called me names and only occasionally swore at me. I can remember several times looking around the kitchen to see if there was anything close to her hands that she could hit me with. She never hit me with anything I am glad to say but it was what I felt was going to happen. Whenever I would try to defend my position in an arguement her voice would rapidly raise in volume until I was drowned out and I would back down and apologise on every occasion, even though I had not started the arguement. I have never started any confrontation. It's funny too, she never got that way about my drinking, no shouting and screaming she would just say that I had embarrased her because people had laughed because I was legless.
I am angry at myself for letting this happen to me/us.For not standing up for myself.For letting someone who I love, speak and treat me as some sort of verbal punchbag. For not realising a long time ago that this was wrong. For being weak I suppose. I thought she loved me and that these were just phases that would pass and because I loved her and tried so hard to please her that eventually love would conquer all. I am so sad that I now realise that there would never be enough love to satisfy her what ever I did. I am not perfect, no one is perfect. You are supposed to love someone for who they are. I did. She does not even understand that she does this. She thinks that she is perfectly justified to be so angry all the time but says that she does not have an anger problem.........When I look back at this I almost feel 'unmanned'. Anyway a hard lesson, hard learned.