Thanks first of all to all who have commented and offered their support.
Well, no reply's to any e mails I have sent to my wife. I will keep on giving her that title until we are separated, daft though it is. I have not asked her any questions,apart from "can you put my 2 suits in the dry cleaners please" and "if you do not want any communiation from me please say so and I will do as you request". Or any demands or anything really at all apart from copying her in on the e mails and jokes I send to my kids. I gave her a website to look at regarding our relationship/personal problems and so since then(8 days ago). Nothing, Nada sweet F A . I even think I would prefer that we had an e mail fight or something.I feel like a non person, that I have never existed in this persons heart or head, that the 21 years of marriage and our kids are some sort nice dream I had one night. That I have now woken up inside a reality which is actually a living nightmare, running endlessly on the same spot. Never ever being able to get anywere.
I feel exactly like the prisoner in Kafka's book "The Trial". Arrested and never told why, charged but not told what the charges are, not told who the accuser is, (I know that bit anyway) convicted and sentenced but not told how long the sentence will be.............
I wish she would just say something even if it was "eff off, I don't want you to speak to me"
I go home(sic) in 2 weeks. For the very first time in my entire life I face going home with the most extreme trepidation instead of joy and anticipation. I will love to see my kids who are all away from home and I can face them now as I have got past the buckets of tears stage. The first 10 days after she told me to 'Hit The Road Jack' I could not even phone them cos I knew I would blub on the phone.....I could only txt them. You can't weep for ever. So I have pretended I was a pair of curtains and pulled myself together over the past wee while. The kids don't know yet. The youngest is 17 and she will be take it the worst. She was always the one that would say "leave Dad alone" when I was getting the lectures. I hope to God(who has never listened anyway and I suspect has more to worry about too) that our marital performances have not screwed up the kids. I am going to CBT when I get back and see how I get on from there.
Due to the type of work I did in the past there has been quite a few occasions where I thought I was going to lose my life. They were cake walks compared to what I feel and experience now. At least I knew it would be a quick end. Still, I have made it this far in life and it will get better. It has not been the worst day (there has not been a best day) just really a...........baffled day.
"black is my true love's heart"