This so wonderful being able to just ramble on! I have had only 1 person to talk to about this thing.My wifes best friend and a good friend of mine. She has been very supportive and non judgemental or side taking at all. She is so upset at this too.It was her who catered for our wedding and we went through hard and good times together. We have known each others kids since they were born and they were pals together until she and her family moved away.
I feel like a blind man fumbling in the darkness. My wife gave me no warning at all that this was in the offing. No support either when I had my troubles with the bottle. No "I think you are doing well". When I asked her why she did not offer any words of encouragement she just said," it wouldn't be right I am not your Mother" I truly do not know what to do. I feel instinctively that I should let her be for a while so that she can examine her feelings and see the consequences that will come out of this awful mess. If she would just talk. How can we know, understand when there is no communication?
Mutual friends said do not marry her, she is a heartbreaker but love is powerful and absolutely blind and she managed not to break my heart for 21 years. I still feel the same about her as I did on our wedding day. Its mad is it not?She said what attracted her to me apart from the devastating good looks( I kid) height and broad shoulders was my kindness, my consideration and my gentleness. I am still exactly the same. She has not been unfaithfull to me though my fear is that it is only a matter of time for 2 reasons. She has a high sex drive and she has admitted that in the past she drives those who love her away and I feel she might do this too, to drive me away. She is a woman of extremes. Passionate, loving very sexy, angry as werewolf in the full moon and as cold and distant as the next galaxy.
I am honest to a fault about myself and am very open. I take rejection very badly(childhood stuff) and I am probably over sensitive too.........but thats me and I do not feel sorry to be me.Apart of course from being in the emotional doo doo.
I have not been a great father which comes from working at sea all my life. Only there half the time. I know I could have done better but I do have a very good relationship with them despite my absences. I make them laugh with my chronically bad jokes and as I am a great cook they love my food. I do all the cooking when I am at home as I do love to give pleasure to people I love.
So bizarre all this pouring out all of this to complete strangers but very therapeutic. I have three relationships in the past and the feelings I had then would not match 1% of 1% about how strongly I feel about this woman.
I have had to crush all the hurt and despair into a tiny little ball and store in the deepest recesses of my soul so that I can cope with this .......desolation. I love her so and I feel that my life is already finished.I wanted her to be the first to throw the earth on my coffin when I died and weep unconsolably when the Piper played the Flowers of the Forest at my funeral when I died as a grumpy old git.(I am from the Scottish Highlands)
It is so strange how this affects me. When I see any couples of any age I get tearfull.To see them walking together just being. Thats when I feel adrift and lost.
"Water water everywhere and not a drop to drink" As I am an Ancient Mariner it appeals to me.(54)
I just wish that she would tell me what is happening, what, what what????????
My poor bairns they will be so distraught they know nothing of this as they have all left home. They have watched my wife and I be as close as wallpaper on a wall our lives. They will find it so so hard to get a grip of this.It is a damn good thing that we have the bairns because I would have fallen apart completely if I did not have to provide for them (3 at Uni) so I cannot allow myself the luxury of collapse.
1 third of me is in hope.1 third is on the edge of the pit of despair and the last third is trying very hard to be rational,cold and accepting.
What an awful bloody mess for my kids,my wife and I to live and deal with.
What the hell are you doing woman