Well after 3 days walking the legs of the dog I'm not sure what I have achieved.
I have never felt so lonely as when I walked along the deserted beach with beautiful views of sea on one side, hills on the other and tears pouring down my face. Yesterday was a very bad day but today I have resolved to be stronger and push on.
Time away may be helping my family but the mind continues to race as far as I am concerned.
I text and talk to the kids as much as I dare - trying to act as everything is normal!!!!
However I have made some decisions I am now not going to use the W word from now on it's to be the x2b it is obvious now that in her mind there can be no reconciliation. (I know a very small step but one in the right direction)
It appears I can't talk to the x2b at the moment without one of us hanging up (usually me) she is becoming paranoid that I am plotting with my mother against her, which is ironic when you remember that it was she who wanted me to take time out and the fact that she keeps telling my mother that she is her preferred child care option.
Anyway I have found a possible house to rent 5 minutes walk from the kids and have arranged a viewing for Monday but to be honest at present I feel like trying to tough it out in the FMH (another new resolution it is no longer home to me) and taking this house on for my folks with the possibility of joining them should I crack under the atmosphere.
Tonight spent some time with old family friends - it's always hard to talk to anyone for the first time about the breakdown of your marriage but after the first few minutes and having managed to hold back the tears and not let the voice crack too much it is good to talk.
I feel sorry for the x2b as I know she loves visiting this place and the people but that this is no longer an option for her they cannot accept her decision and just think she is being selfish and self centred no matter how much I put her case forward (and I know she has one ) although I do not believe she should have chosen this particular to go down this route.
Anyway no contact with her today and I can't see me making any moves soon so I guess as I get back very late Sunday Monday will provide the next instalment in this saga I only hope that it is going to be an up day for me- I really need to be positive to face her.