I feel like I have made a big mistake today.
I know over the last few weeks I have been \ am totally emotionally unstable, cannot concentrate on anything and liable to break down in tears at the slightest thing especially when letting my mind wander.
This morning we tried to have a conversation but I am in no state to do\ decide anything and my wife is quite rightly getting agitated that nothing is getting resolved especially our child care arrangements which need to be in place very soon.
Anyway it all ended with me agreeing to visit my parents for a few days to try and get my head together and giving my wife and kids a break (especially the kids) the problem is my parents live 600 miles away. An hour later I am being bundled onto a train not knowing whether I am coming or going after saying goodbye to the kids. The older 2 were ok but the youngest broke my heart as she clung to me and cried her eyes out asking me not to go - I am filling up just remembering.
9 hours later and I am in a small village in the north of Scotland still not knowing what all this will achieve and wondering how I am going to find the strength to go back.
Have had a very draining session with my mother and as always find myself defending the wife as I know it's not all her fault she has just made the ultimate decision.
My fathers answer is a bottle of whiskey which I have helped him with - I know I will never be able to get him to accept my defence of my wife.
So now I am miles away from all those I love and want to be near and for what \ whose benefit. Was this a good decision or has my state of mind been taken advantage of?
Why am I so weak, why can I not be strong enough to sort this out for the kids sake, am I just being selfish worrying about what I am going to do when I can see no future for myself. Why can I not accept the situation and start to move on? So many questions keep recurring in my head but never any answers - I am praying for answers.
As much as I hate to admit it the kids are probably better off with their mother she will be able to give them the life they deserve and instil the strength of character into them that I so obviously lack.
Thanks to all who have been replying to my blogs - it is such a tonic to know that someone is listening.
Long walks in the hills and along the beach for the next few days - maybe I will get some perspective - fingers crossed.