This is so unlike me....sharing my innermost fears and feelings of failure, but I feel inadequate at the moment and am crying as I write this.
My ex husband left me in January 2002, with three kids currently aged 13,12 and 9. He had another child in November 2002 and divorced me in October 2005.
He has irregular contact with the children and hasn't paid any child maintenance since January 2008, prior to this he paid £200 pcm.
My standard of living has dropped considerably since the break up, the children often go without and my debts often go unpaid. It is so so hard just to get by some months, and yes I do work, have an annual salary of 33k actually. But rented accommodation, cost of 3 children and household bills are a lot for 1 parent.
I feel inadequate and guilty that my kids are living the way we are. Its not their fault and yet they are paying emotionally and practically. I feel some days that I am a failure as a mother when there's no food in the house or they have cereal for dinner. They love me so much and seem to understand, but its painful for me.
My ex husband is in a new relationship however, has bought a house with her, has regular holidays with her, and criticises me often.
I dislike him immensley......I dislike the fact that he has had such a negative impact on my life, I dislike the fact thatI have sole financial responsibility for my children, and I dislike the fact that I dislike him so much. I find it hard to comprehend that an absent parent can so easily walk away with little regard for the welfare and well being of their children, that goes against everything I believe in.
Recently I went on a date, and the guy had the audacity to tell me that were it not for my kids, he would love to have a relationship with me.......not surprisingly we havent split bread since.......but the fact remains that my life altered when my ex left....and the ongoing day to day difficulties are making it bloody hard to forgive and forget.
I feel better for having a read of other blogs, and am so glad I found this website.
thanks for reading