Autumn Leaves

A painful divorce / separation can unfortunately leave us in a constant state of sensory deprivation. I know I was unable to feel any sense of joy or take any interest in the passing of the Seasons. If the Sun was shining I felt nothing especially the idea that it could warm me just as much as it could any other soul. It was impossible to look skywards when I was constantly looking down at the shoes on my feet or inwards at the source of agony. Summers passed me by. My heart had been frozen into the shock and cold tremble of Winter. I waited for an alternative kind of Spring which I somehow knew was waiting for me on a far distant horizon.

It was an early Autumn though when I found myself rediscovering something very important. I had become simply very bored of wallowing in my own self pity or drowning my sorrows in pubs at every opportunity. I didn’t know it at the time but I had allowed myself the space to simply let time perform her miracle cure and literally lead me towards more helpful distraction therapy. I was still awash with anxiety and severely cramped all over my body with pain. This paralysis had been with me for at least two years or more. My only relief came at night when I could close my eyes and drift off to sleep. 

It was in my dreams I think that I did eventually catch sight again of a Season I have always loved. Being so very broken at the time I know now something changed me from living an extremely closed existence to being open instead to any new pathways. My Autumn at that time was a place to just be at peace with the then and there. This I know was the start of my healing process. A blessed release. It took the form of seeking out walks in nature, bike rides in country lanes and enjoying and rediscovering what my own company actually felt like. It you have been part of somone else and they a part of you for so long its no wonder who we are as unique individuals cannot be found easily. 

My swims outdoors began at earlier times when I wanted to feel the chill in the air. An early rise also meant I would give myself an early night with no night caps! If I didn't start to look after myself more I would'nt have the same energy to simply enjoy the moment. The next morning my hand would catch a fallen leaf in the water and I would hold it firmly for a while. It’s been said many times that a rebirth is only possible after the transition of seasons. Many parallels have been drawn between growth, harvest and passing and decay, birth or rebirth. If you are not out of the woods just yet hold on, try to relax more and simply wait for a while. Living stronger in the Autumn is wonderful place to be.