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Oct 01
2018
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Years passing and still sufferingPosted by TEIN in dealing with emotions, children, bad day |
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I'd love to be able to write a nice piece about how my life is so much better now, years after the fall out from my ex leaving me with all that entailed for my 2 young children and I at the time.
The dread of not seeing them on a daily basis was crippling at times but I was fortunate as a father to get multiple nights per week access. It felt the least I deserved.
Less than a year later my ex was married and nothing seems more difficult than another man raising your children taking the rsponsiblity away from their father.
My 2 children are now at high school, they are becoming older, one wiser, one more emotional and the same is probably true of myself lately.
Dealing with a teen I am finding really difficult and made more difficult by my situation still being compromised by not being settled in my own home. Lord knows its not easy getting on the housing ladder when you split but hopefully that may finally end soon (I've been saying that for years). It seems my teen knows just how to push my buttons and recently I've struggled to contain my emotions. It always seems to be me who is wrong and the more I try to explain things the more it feels my teen edges away from me.
Child maintenace feels like a joke. The money I have to pay could go up at any time like a massive hammer above my head waiting to fall. Its stuck there for the foreseeable years. Where does the money go? What is it spent on? I have no say, but its not me with the house with new kitchen, lounge, bathroom, conservatory, garden, extension, new cars, 2 holidays abroad on average per year. I could be wrong of course and the money only goes on the children but somehow it just doesn't seem fair.
Now my son was not well this morning at school and my ex and her partner were away so who rides to the rescue, the replacement Dad when they were already supposed to be with me all week as a favour to them. Its like here you go, do us a favour and look after your own kids for which I got little thanks. Then a call out of the blue that he's not well and not can I go get him, but the replacment is on his way, 5 hour drive. I'm 30 mins away at work.
My head is not in a good place with this. It seems I'm getting kicked and kicked and kicked again and that continues whenever they feel like it. If I say anything, it comes out wrong and I suffer more. If I don't say anything then I'm just rolling over.
They may not even be aware of how much impact they have on my life and yet I'm supposed to smile and keep the peace all the time. I'm really struggling with that. Its not easy seeing another man look after your children, least of all one I have no respect for apart from the saving grace he does care for them.
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NotasStressedDad
said:
| October 07, 2018 | ||
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Hey Im in a similar boat to you and I know how hard it is when you dont have your children with you. That was a nice piece you wrote, which I could empathise with. Can you not have your children half the week, then you would not need to pay maintenance I assume? |
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RockSteady
said:
| October 09, 2018 | ||
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I agree 50/50 shared care can mean no maintenance. It depends if childcare responsibilities were previously agreed or not. They can also be changed however. As for the future.. time passes, children grow up and all they want from us is to be able to see the best of us. Yes, extremely hard knowing your child or children is with another person whose character you may not be certain of. In the end its a long slow rebuild process. After 7 or 8 years I'm almost there. Financially I know I may never recover. I'm astonished therefore when I read reports in the media portraying divorce as a lifestyle choice. My ex was with another man. They have now gone their separate ways. As people we often use relationships & divorce to run away or hide. Good luck and stay strong. | |
sungirl
said:
| December 15, 2018 | ||
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Try and focus on your happiness a little more. As your kids get older things will continue to change. They will be busy with there own lives, friends partners and you will probably see less of them, however this doesn't mean you will have less of a relationship with them! The books by Susan Jeffers have helped me so much in my break up. I can't recommend them enough. Im currently reading Embracing Uncertainty and in she talks about having a balance in your life, equally in the areas of love, work, relationships and family so that if one breaks down its not so devistating. She also writes about how each of us are on a different journey in life and not comparing ourselves to others. Easier said than done when a partner seems to have all the trappings of money while we struggle on (im in a similar situation). Ex hides his money so he doesn't have to pay maintence but still seems to manage to build a huge extension and have several holidays a year! The only way past this is to make your life as full and as happy as you can so you don't give a s...t what they are doing or how many fancy cars they have because your living an amazing life too.! I think it's also a great example to your kids to show them that they have a dad that loves them but he has a life too. I hope this isn't sounding like a lecture I just think you should have some happiness in your life too. | |
sun flower
said:
| March 14, 2019 | ||
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time passes, children grow up and all they want from us is to be able to see the best of us. I read this and thought oh yes that gives clarity.....but as usual it can be a little more complicated. As young people I think if we can give them this, it is a gift that is a treasure. But young adults perhaps they have to develop the idea that their parents are flawed as every human is....but that does not make them bad....nor does it make them such a hard act to follow! I'm trying to say that our children only grow into adults when they are able to see a wider picture - that can be viewed from various angles - and forgive us (I want to say our trespasses!) and it seems a good enough phrase but (for me) with no biblical connotations. Thank you Rocksteady for the thought provoking post. My reply is a bit of a garble but I am going to let is stay. |
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