I have written and deleted so many intros to this I can't even count...I have never written a blog, but I figured that if I can write something down and maybe find some answers, then what the hell!!
I separated from my wife of 12 years back in August '16 after a 2 year battle with broken trust, which was the result of a meaningless drunken kiss I gave a girl on a work night out. The kiss came about at the end of the night, standing outside the bar at 3am when we were all saying our farewells to the girl, whom I had worked with for 4 years. When it came to my turn to say goodbye, we hugged and I kissed her cheek and said goodbye. She turned her head and started to kiss me. I didn't stop her. We kissed for a few seconds until my brain kicked in and realised that I was kissing someone other than my wife. I am not making excuses here, but I am really, but I was so drunk, I was not in full control.
Once I realised, I pushed her away and drunkenly and somewhat over-dramatically ran away in disgust at what I had just done.
I got into a taxi and went home. By the time I got home it was nearly 4am, so my wife woke up when I was fumbling about at the door with my keys.
"Where the hell have you been until 4 in the bloody morning?"...I was so nervous and guilt ridden, that I could hardly string a sentence together. I tried to make up some bullshit excuse about getting lost that I must have looked like a complete bumbling idiot. My wife is not stupid...she knew something was not right. She asked what I had done...I told her that I kissed someone and it broke her heart.
The next day I grovelled and begged for forgiveness, praying that she would understand that my stupid drunken asshole brain took over and did something I had never dreamed of doing before...she stayed with me for as long as she could.
From that day on, until the day we separated, she would bring it up in every arguement at any given opportunity. To the point, I would roll my eyes and think to myself...can I really keep apologising for this for the rest of my life??...to me, she was worth it and I resigned myself to the fact that this was the way it was going to be..., but in August 2016, when we were away for our wedding anniversary, she said she wanted to break up with me as she can't go on living a lie. The trust was gone due to that stupid meaningless kiss....I was devastated.
In the momths following the separation, I stayed in the "mancave", living a semi-separate life...trying to be as normal as we could for the sake of the kids (9 and 16), but it was too much for me to cope with. My wife had turned so cold towards me and would tell me on numerous occasions to go out and date people, just so that I could "move on" as I was still so very deeply in love with her, but she had stopped loving me "in that way".
You could say I was completely naive, but I joined Tinder and Match.com to try and get her out of my head. I have never been so lost and lonely than in those months after the separation. I was desparate for some affection...to feel wanted and loved that I went on a couple of dates in the November and December...nothing more than a couple of drinks and a handshake goodbye...it was so obvious to me that I could not get my wife out of my head, that the guilt of dating kicked in with a vengance.
Christmas came and went and the New Year came. I went on a second date with a girl and went back to her place. We messed around a bit and I fell asleep until 6am.
I woke up and immediately was full of dread as I knew this was not a good situation. I ordered a taxi and went home.
When I arrived, I could see that my wife was already up for work, so I put my keys in the door....her keys were already in the door and it was locked. With a bowed head, I rang the door bell, only to see my wife come to the door with a look of disgust on her face.
I went into my "mancave" and jumped into my bed. She came in 2 minutes later shouting and bawling at me for staying out all night and showing her no respect. I tried to explain that I had just fallen asleep...as it was...not intentional, but that I was extremely sorry. She said she wanted me out of the house ASAP as she couldn't cope with me being there anymore.
I moved out the very next day.
For the next month I would be living out of a suitcase on the top floor of a "friends" townhouse. I say "friend" because it turned out that she was an alcoholic psychopath with a habit of coming into my room at night and trying it on with me...I had to man handle her out of my room on three separate occasions!!....on top of that, she would have sex on my couch that I brought with me and leave used condoms on the couch for me to find and her dog would leave little surprises for me on the carpet because the poor thing hadn't been let out for days on end....it was a truely awful experience...on top of what was going on in my head with the separation.
I finally got my own flat mid February and everything seemed to be fitting into place. It was somewhere I could call my own home and start to get my life back on track.
All this positivity came to an abrupt end last weekend when my best friend of 20 plus years called me to let me know he was seeing my wife????
All that progress I thought I was making crumbled in front of me as I now had to deal with betrayal and deceit from someone I thought I could trust with my life....let alone my wife!!
I was and still am completely devastated. I knew something was going on for a long time, but put it down to paranoia as how on earth could a close mate that I have known since school stoop so low...let alone my wife.
Turns out that it had been going on for quite some time...even when I was being consoled by him...breaking my heart in front of him crying my eyes out for weeks on end. I have never felt so lost and alone in my life.
To make things worse, they are acting like everyone is crazy and that them being together is being blown out of all proportion.
I have tried to be the bigger man and rise above it all, as I know in the great scheme of things it is none of my business, but the betrayal is totally eating me up from the inside. It is affecting my sleep, my eating, my emotional state....I just don't know how to cope with it.
I know time will heal my wounds, but does anyone have an answer that isn't a pill, or at the bottom of a bottle?....