Not too sure what exactly I'm feeling right now; at moments really good and positive whilst minutes later I'm sooooooooo down.
Having read all the great comments & blogs, somewhere deep down I know that it will get better but when and how. It seems to be a downward spiral with ever increasing depth!! I work for myself, in a job I used to love, and yet now I'm finding it very, very hard to motivate myself.
Its a been a horrible day and yet my daughter started on her Masters programme today - so should be a day of pride/achievement and joy, yet I cannot muster any "positive" emotion.
I know the grieving process is all about this pendulum of emotions but this is very hard and despite my very best intentions I am becoming bitter, very, very bitter towards the women I still call my wife and love for inflicting this pain.
Can I ever forgive her, or will my kids, for the damage she is causing our once tight family unit?? The kids are now young adults so hopefully they (will) understand better but I know that they too are hurting....very badly.
This is not the women I fell in love with, openly took full marriage vows with for the rest of our lives in front of a packed Church, worked my socks off to support (yes, I asked her to give up work when our first child was born - so no hard feelings on this front as I wanted her to concentrate on our family) and envisaged the twilight years with.
I keep saying that it will get better but in the darkness of the night when I face myself I have to force to myself accept that the things that were, are no more.
We are still under the same roof and the atmosphere is cold/frozen; not a word spoken except for ceratin little day x day matters.
It gets colder, firmer in tone/mannerisms after a visit to her mothers/family/friends and this really bugs me..........it's not her!! Really?? Am I deceiving myself?? Who knows!!!
I feel sad & ashamed that it has come to this..........
I'm hoping for a better night tonight; one where the shadows don't come out and bite me.