It's the one year mark this week since my stbx and I parted company when we finally moved from our home and I realise that I am in a very different place from a year ago. I was lost and very vulnerable. I didn't know what I wanted or where I wanted to be. I felt totally bereft of emotions and adrift from reality.
I've got my career back on track to a certain extent which is good for professional self-esteem. I've got a lot of friends and a nice new home. I have enough money to survive, so I know I have a lot to be grateful for when I read the posts and blogs of people left with nothing, but I really would like to feel happy again.
I don't cry as much and the pain has subsided somewhat but I'm lonely and lost. I believe this is grief. After a long relationship in which I loved him so much and at the end, after 21 years, he had treated me with such contempt that people who knew him cannot believe he was capable of such acts. It feels as though the grief has taken up residence. It won't go away in a short time and I must accept that it needs to be worked on. Happiness won't just arrive one day.
People say you make your own happiness. I had it and I lost it that awful night when all the lies and deceit were finally revealed. However, we are not islands; we co-exist with the people who mean most to us. Parents can't be happy unless their children are happy and thriving; partners are not happy unless they are in warm relationships where love is reciprocated and we also need our family relationships to be supportive and loving. Remove one of the supporting girders and the building collapses.There's no escaping it, my life collapsed. The hurt he caused me is now etched in my being and will always be there. I cannot remove it. I am changed for ever and that particular brand of happiness which made me feel whole is gone too.
Now I have to re-learn how to be happy. Divorce is a destructive force with sweeps away all in its path, but I must find a way to be happy again because a future without happiness is a very bleak prospect. It's been a harsh lesson in reality and now I have to find a way to learn about a new happiness somehow.