I lay here tonight on a camp bed in my living room wondering, wondering how on earth I ended up here. I'm so tired yet sleep won't come, thousands of thoughts rushing around my head. What's the biggest thought? It's the fear, I have this real fear that I'm alone. That I'm going to be alone. Ok I'll always have my girls but everyone needs a companion right? I mean that's why we are here no? It's a very real fear, that I'll never find that special bond again, that old sock for my old shoe. I'm hurting tonight, seeing the Christmas card today has hurt more than it should, 'to the one I love'.

Today was the day, Christmas tree day. Such a happy day I would always try and make it special. Put Christmas music on decorate the tree. Perfect. Not this year. Not a chance. My eldest wanted to put it up today. Ok I said go and ask mummy if it's ok. She came down and said mummy wants to talk to you about it. Here we go! I said **** wants to put the tree up, she replied with 'what something else I can't do then' I'm not stopping you coming down and doing it. She then started the normal rubbish chats blah blah you did this you did that. Whatever. I said just leave it then you can do it with

Eliza's recent blog about things to be grateful for had me thinking about how the separation process forces us to learn some searingly painful and unwelcome lessons, which I was pondering while sitting in the hairdressers during the week, flipping through some trashy magazine gushing over the Kardashians (why are they still famous and who cares?!) Paradoxically, the ones left behind seem to do all the soul-searching and agonised dissection of the marriage breakdown, whereas in my case my ex has just fast-forwarded into his second life with probably very little thought other than "I deserve