After so many years of not knowing where your future can be found, there will come a day when it almost arrives unnoticed. This is because your pain has thankfully shrunk inside you to a small background hum. It is still there of course but having learnt to live with it for so long it has become a part of you that you can now control.
You've long since grown tired of it and you have managed to somehow extend the periods of "giving yourself a break" to much longer stretches of your life. It might not even be your last thought as you drift off to sleep more soundly at night. Not is it necessarily your first thought as you wake. I find myself almost being able to choose when I want to feel it or look back, only for a short time, at the dark forest I came from and to where I never want to return.
Today I wake to a peaceful place and a warm loving partner beside me. The opportunity for a deep sense of sharing is a truely wonderful thing. I know I am much more grateful for that than ever before. You can't find "it" again until its been missing for a time. Who will rise first to put the kettle on?! If its a Sunday shall I go and get the papers? We talk of our options for filling our day with precisely only the things that we want to do; a walk in the park, some shopping, "I'll cook", there is that TV programme you recorded and a book you want to finish. My sense now is that whatever I am doing I'm not doing alone.
Unlike before, when I was alone, and "kept busy", I can now share many aspects of daily life. Joy then ... has returned. The future I wanted has arrived. There is a foundation of change in my heart & to my life that I now want to apply to other aspects of my life; to my work which is no longer as fulfilling as it once was, perhaps also to where I live and with friends that I currently have. The aftermath of any torment or conflict is surely the opportunity for so many new beginnings born out of a calm and peaceful backdrop.
I have read so many times that to "rise above" our initial struggles through acknowledging our pain, learning to study it, seeking out sources and triggers is the only way to succeed. I start to wonder sometimes if our intensily private lessons along these lines can be applied to help solve some of the worlds problems. Our past private wars never last forever. Even if we think they will never end they do. Wounds heal, scars are left but everything happens for a reason. I found a reason to live, to change who I used to be, a reason to start all a new and the reason is you....