First time blogger so forgive mistakes/lack of bblog etiquette if such a thing!

Why is it that friends don't undersatnd that you're feeling so rubbish u just need to stay in your pyjamas with all the curtains closed? Today it's hit me that I'm 40 in two months exactly and at this moment in time I'll have nothing to celebrate and don't even know whether I'll have somewhere to live.

I spose I hoped that I could keep everything at bay, just for a bit and for once not think about all the financial calculations, how my dreams had died and how the future really looks so bleak.

I thought all i wanted

This morning I stood in front of the mirror watching, who is that? The now grey haired man with no real smile looks into his tired eyes and sighs.

I'm outside looking in at me, staring, silent, naked and cold, peeling away my fragile shell to face my fears within, the man in the mirror just looks on, I have to go into my fears and under my skin searching within myself to feel whole again, running, tired, tortured and torn.

I claw away the unseen scars to heal the wounds within. And the man in the mirror looks out as he reaches in. So many things I leave undone. Too late to turn back, I could

I woke up very late. He texted me that he's on his way to take kids to school. Rush rush rush .. kids off to school on time with decent breakfast and full lunchboxes. How do I do it? I do it like all mothers do it, with love and speed!

I go to work. I have to stay late at a meeting so he agrees to pick up kids and feed them. There is food in the fridge. I come home exhausted. Such a long day with little sleep, little food and a lot of rushing.

He's in the kitchen. He looks at me long and hard, I avert my eyes, say hi and go straight up. I can't even look at him. Haven't been able to look at him