Blog Entries tagged 'jokes and humour'

Golf - a womans guide to the driving range !!!

Daisyflower40@hotmail.co.uk — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 01:00:00 +0100

Hi Mr Blogman..

ok this is meant to be a funny but serious at the same time.... ;-) its golf you know and theres an etiquete (spelt wrong no doubt) of golf !

so it was my lesson tonight at the driving range - ok with my friend but as he's a pro long time golfer best choice..

get home from work....hhhhhmmm what to wear ?? well you know these golfers ?? all stripped rupert bear trousers and nice pink or yellow tops !!! oh and not forgetting the bas [...]

Expensive photo

bancroftamada@hotmail.co.uk — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 01:00:00 +0100

Bill sat in his solicitor's office.

Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news? the lawyer said.

Give me the bad news first.

Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.

That's the bad news? asked Bill incredulously. I can't wait to hear the terrible news.

The terrible news..... is that it's of you and your secretary.

LB2....mwah!

The Oldest Profession

bancroftamada@hotmail.co.uk — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 01:00:00 +0100

A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer were arguing about whose profession was the oldest.

The doctor took his turn first: "Remember how God removed a rib from Adam to create Eve? Obviously, medicine is the oldest profession."

The engineer smiled and replied "Ah, but before that, God created the heavens and the earth from chaos, all in less than a week. You have to admit that was a remarkable feat of engineering, and that makes engineering an [...]

Dearly departed?

bancroftamada@hotmail.co.uk — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 01:00:00 +0100

A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.

"Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client on the phone. "I'm very sorry," the receptionist answered, "but Mr. Smith passed away last night." "Is Mr. Smith there?" repeated the client. The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me, I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night.& [...]

Heaven

bancroftamada@hotmail.co.uk — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 01:00:00 +0100

A couple were on their way to their wedding and sadly were involved in a fatal car crash. On arriving at the Pearly Gates they are asked to wait in a queue to be seen. Whilst waiting they realise that they are very disappointed at having missed the opportunity to marry and wonder if they could get married in Heaven.

When it is their turn to register they ask St Peter if they could marry in Heaven. St Peter is dumbfounded and says "I don&# [...]

10 husbands

bancroftamada@hotmail.co.uk — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 01:00:00 +0100

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really [...]

Sunday Tickler from Boobie Farkle Tush

juliehill@free.fr — Sun, 08 Jun 2008 01:00:00 +0100

Hiya to All and thanks for sharing yours thoughts and emotions over the last week, you keep me going. Something to do with to make you laugh and give you strength to get through the next week....

MY NEW NAME IS IN THE TITLE.....DON'T LAUGH UNTIL YOU FIND OUT WHAT YOUR NEW NAME IS.

Follow the instructions to find your new name.

And don't go all adult - a senior manager is now known far & wide as Dorky Gizzardsniffer!

The following is exc [...]

Cinderella Story

juliehill@free.fr — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 01:00:00 +0100

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you [...]

sometimes you can still laugh regardless and thats important

ricky.allan62@hotmail.co.uk — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 01:00:00 +0100

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his
side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.

Her praying roused him from his slumber.

He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly, "My darling Becky,"
he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I ha [...]

Just to make you smile!

stellahall59@hotmail.co.uk — Fri, 30 May 2008 01:00:00 +0100

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared
> everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets
> from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the
> top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask
> her about.
>
>
>
>
> For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day
> the little old woma [...]

and ofcourse something for you good ladies....

ricky.allan62@hotmail.co.uk — Mon, 26 May 2008 00:00:00 +0100

A Woman's Little Instruction Book

f you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.

Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you're sick of him.

Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.

A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband [...]

for those of you men thinking about going on a date.....

ricky.allan62@hotmail.co.uk — Mon, 26 May 2008 00:00:00 +0100

* Not only is she a little young, but you're sure that you used to date her mother.

* You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her.

* She has a thicker mustache than you.

* When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions.

* You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is [...]

hopefully one for a laugh...

ricky.allan62@hotmail.co.uk — Sat, 24 May 2008 00:00:00 +0100

Marriage Counseling

A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage.
The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a
tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've
been married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman
and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a
daze.

The [...]

suns out so time for a laugh!

ricky.allan62@hotmail.co.uk — Sun, 11 May 2008 00:00:00 +0100

enjoy!

Once upon a time, there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some mon [...]

Going Batty!

mikehart@boltblue.com — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 00:00:00 +0100

Absolutely nothing to do with my divorce, but last night was so surreal, I thought I would share it with you.

For those that don't know me, I own and operate a small country house hotel with my STBX in Lancashire. I also do a midweek job, building a gas pipeline in Yorkshire. Long old day. Get back from pipeline work, then drop into Basil character at hotel.

Last night started much like any other night. Got back from Wetherby at about 9pm. We had a few guests stayin [...]

Time for a laugh... is this the best divorce letter ever

ricky.allan62@hotmail.co.uk — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 00:00:00 +0100

Enjoy...

Dear wife: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes [...]

Now this will make you laugh.......

ricky.allan62@hotmail.co.uk — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 00:00:00 +0100

A 98 year old woman in the UK wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangem [...]

puns for the day.........enjoy

ricky.allan62@hotmail.co.uk — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 00:00:00 +0100

Everytime I find Mr Right my husband scares him away.

The inherent downside in a life of pursuing women is the possibility of inadvertently catching one.
Marriage is a three ring circus. An engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffer-ring An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man sa [...]

if only life could be a computer...

ricky.allan62@hotmail.co.uk — Sat, 22 Mar 2008 00:00:00 +0100

IF ONLY LIFE COULD BE LIKE A COMPUTER!

If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and start all over!

To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!

If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend".

Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.

To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.

To "add/remove" someone [...]

One liners for your ex's.....

ricky.allan62@hotmail.co.uk — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 00:00:00 +0100

I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others?

I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.

I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?

I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.

I know you are nobody's fool but maybe some [...]