Emptiness

jane-2006@hotmail.co.uk — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 01:00:00 +0100

I read posts and blogs and should feel lucky that my life is not as bad as others. But somehow I feel empty tonight.

I have the all love and affection my new partner can give and I wonder how he can love me so completly. Why does he stay with me, why does he love me?

I feel isolated from life, from my family. I know at least I see my children and there are those here who dont have that luxury but its not enough.

Mothers Day

jane-2006@hotmail.co.uk — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 00:00:00 +0100

My Mum was buried on Mothers Day.

I was dreading the day anyway as I wasn't sure if my kids would even remember. The dread was justified even though it was for the wrong reasons.

It wasn't unexpected but somehow it was the last news I expected on Fri. The last few days have been a blur. I miss her so much and it doesn't seem real.

Mum has been my rock in the last couple of years, well all my life really but despite re [...]

Who am I???

jane-2006@hotmail.co.uk — Thu, 16 Aug 2007 00:00:00 +0100

I am going through feelings of doubt.

Is Ex a pig (I'm trying to be polite)?

Has my imagination made him out worse than he is?

Am I a bad person because I left him for someone else?

Have I been controlled and manipulated for years or am I imagining it?

Do my kids hate me?

Will my kids accept that I am their mother some day?

Who am I?

I always thought that I was a fairly genuine, friendly, thoughtful, kind sort of girl. I thought that I [...]

Finances sorted....I hope.

jane-2006@hotmail.co.uk — Wed, 01 Aug 2007 08:39:48 +0100

Well one piece of the jigsaw seems sorted....financial agreement signed yesterday so within 8 weeks I'll have settlement and absolute.

Apart from small disagreement about some items in the FMH the split is 60:40 in his favour, no SM. CM is not completely finalised but it will be some way short of the 58% I have been paying for over the last year. Youngest son stays with me 2 nights at present, and maybe someday eldest will too. Even though I thi [...]

Why cant I feel positive

jane-2006@hotmail.co.uk — Mon, 16 Jul 2007 14:14:57 +0100

I still dont know yet whether I'm "allowed" to pick up or collect kids from grandparents/childminders. Maybe thats adding to my mood which is not good.

Youngest and I have had a good couple of days and he is supposed to be with me until tomorrow evening. But eldest told him what he was doing tomorrow and now youngest wants to go too. The plan means they will end up at grandparents. Youngest really wants to go. What could I say, I do [...]

Feeling low & frightened

jane-2006@hotmail.co.uk — Mon, 09 Jul 2007 14:05:46 +0100

Feeling lost but probably shouldnt be.

Today had order agreed that youngest would spend 2 nights per week with me plus one evening for both kids. Solicitors agreed the whole thing very quickly. I'm a bit confused as she said this is the final order but if things dont work out I can go back again if i want.

Ex phoned tonight to say that his parents and childminder have refused to let me collect the boys from their houses. I work full time but over the pas [...]

Another week

jane-2006@hotmail.co.uk — Fri, 29 Jun 2007 07:41:20 +0100

Well another week has gone by, another overnight with youngest, another lovely night with youngest. I hope it will continue but he seems so content in my house and sleeps soundly despite Ex stating in e-mail that youngest still very unsettled at night. I hope he continues being so contented with me.

Against that eldest is really "off" with me. The invitation is there for him to stay with me too but so far he says no. I hope its his age [...]

A happy morning

jane-2006@hotmail.co.uk — Tue, 19 Jun 2007 02:57:25 +0100

Yes I know I had a rant yesterday and I was worried about youngest staying with me last night BUT all went well.

We had a lovely afternon and evening, visited his granny, watched DVD and played games. He wants to see me for an extra night next week because Ex is taking the kids away and youngest says it would be too long until he would see me again. No prompting from me, honestly.

He didnt mention his dad and didnt ask to ring him which suprised me.

He [...]

Just need to shout!

jane-2006@hotmail.co.uk — Mon, 18 Jun 2007 05:00:23 +0100

I still havent got round to writing more of my blog but I will do.

Today I need to shout at Ex but I know it would make things much worse so I'm shouting here.

Tonight for the first time in a year my youngest will stay with me and I will leave him to school in the morning. It should be a happy event. Yes I'm happy but also very nervous. How sad is that to be nervous of my own son. What if he doesnt want to stay, doesnt like his bed, can [...]

Where do I start?

jane-2006@hotmail.co.uk — Tue, 12 Jun 2007 00:00:00 +0100

A year into my separation/divorce whatever you want to call it. Do I or will I ever get to the end of the road I have chosen?

Will I start with my marriage, almost 19 years? Although I dont count the last 2 because by that time I just didnt want to be there.

Will I start with the night I told him I was going?

Its hard to know how best to explain how I felt/feel. I want to describe my emotions clearly but somehow dont know if it will make sense to anyone but me.

I t [...]

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