Blog Entries for Rani4

Sad and Alone

reem@mahadi.freeserve.co.uk — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 01:00:00 +0100

He just called to check on me.

We talk everyday about practical things. He calls me, I never call him. I text only if I have to.

The thing is, when he calls, it feels as if he's doing me a favour. I feel as if he's thinking "oh poor Rani sitting there on her own, no one to love her or to talk to her , so I'll check on her.."

I am not angry. I am sad

I am sad that he feels this way. I am sad that he makes me feel this way. I am sad [...]

Broken

reem@mahadi.freeserve.co.uk — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 01:00:00 +0100

The last couple of weeks I found myself back - further back than I wish to remember. Emotionally, I am back to my pre-wiki days.

(Practically, I have moved on miles beyond my initial expectations)

I went to collect the children from school. I was so tired, so broken, people were asking what's wrong and inviting me for coffee mornings to try and cheer me up.

I am not surprised. I know what I look like. I am ashen faced, dressed in black and grey. h [...]

A Rough Day

reem@mahadi.freeserve.co.uk — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 01:00:00 +0100

Today was a rough day.

I woke up as normal tired but looking forward to the day ahead. I had something on my mind that kept nagging. something needs to be done, and once it's done, I knew it meant losing something close to me. but it had to be done. so it was done.

I sat here, in this very seat, emotionally drained and in need of a good cry.

but I didn't cry. I just stared

Then I recieved a letter of rejection to something I applied for a [...]

The opposite of Sleep

reem@mahadi.freeserve.co.uk — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 01:00:00 +0100

I can't sleep

Lately, I've been trying to get to bed earlier in the hope that my body will relax and eventually fall asleep.

The body doesn't relax and I don't fall asleep

I lie in bed wide awake. I do my mantra, and my little tricks of positive thinking.

The mind steers the thoughts into the memories which pour into the emotions and bring back the pain and so I don't sleep

I set my alarm and the screen reads 'Time left till Alarm, [...]

Loneliness II

reem@mahadi.freeserve.co.uk — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 01:00:00 +0100

I am lonely

I am always amazed at myself when I feel lonely. I ask myself what changed? haven't I been alone for years. I'd been alone, but not necessarily felt lonely. I lived alone all my adult life till I met him. And in recent years the norm was me spending most of my time alone.

So why do I feel so lonely now?

Is it perhaps the loss of hope? hope that he will sort himself out and we will be an intimate couple again?

I am so lonely I [...]

Failure

reem@mahadi.freeserve.co.uk — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 01:00:00 +0100

I've been trying to understand what I am going through

I have failed.

I don't understand what's happening to me.

I am aware that adultery, betrayal and the end of love and end of marriage are all causes of great sadness.

I am not in despair. I know I will be ok. But I also know that this is very hard to get over. If and when I do get over it, the pain will have subsided but I will have lost the energy and the will to love again. It is very [...]

Sinking III

reem@mahadi.freeserve.co.uk — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 01:00:00 +0100

Once again I find myself blogging sadness and frustration.

Bad day follows bad night follows bad day follows bad night....

This is my 8th week of this - this mood of dread, trepidation, loneliness, sadness, frustration and melancholy. Yes, melancholy (couldn't find a better word!)

ughhhhhhh

This started after the summer break. Before the break, I was so happy, I was glowing. At least once a day someone would comment how I have r [...]

A bad guy

reem@mahadi.freeserve.co.uk — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 01:00:00 +0100

There are all sorts of bad guys

there's the bad guy who is violent and abusive

there's the bad guy who puts you down all the time

there's the bad guy who lends no support

there's the bad guy who is not dedicated to his family

there's the bad guy who lies and cheats

there's the bad guy who walks out on his family

there are all sorts of bad guys

which one is mine?

Mine is the sort that had a long term affair but refu [...]

Sinking II

reem@mahadi.freeserve.co.uk — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 01:00:00 +0100

Every day I decide I must pull myself together and reclaim the person I used to be

And every day I realise that another day has passed and I am still here. Hiding from my friends. Hiding under the blanket. Don't want to see anyone. Don't want anyone to see me.

I try to conivnce myself that it's ok to be like this for another day. But the days run into weeks and I am petrified that this will become the new me.

I can't sink again. I just can't.& [...]

Sinking

reem@mahadi.freeserve.co.uk — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 01:00:00 +0100

I have that sinking feeling again

I have'nt felt like this for a long while

I want to say it isn't depression. I want to say it isn't uncertainty. I want to say lots of things but I am not sure where the truth lies.

I need not to sink. The last time this happened I sank very slowly, and woke up a couple of years later to realize that i was already sunk but han't noticed till it was too late. No one noticed till it was too late.

This time I recognise the [...]

Lipstick and Perfume

reem@mahadi.freeserve.co.uk — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 01:00:00 +0100

There was a time when I felt on top of it all.

A few weeks ago, I felt I owned my life. I worked, I took care of the house and the children. I was on the way to a fantastic career doing what I love to do.

I have lost that feeling.

I no longer feel on top. If anything I feel low, and have felt low for a while. It is gradual. First, I began to sleep badly, then I began to eat badly, then I started wearing my old drab clothes. I stopped wearing lipstick and today [...]

I am a mess

reem@mahadi.freeserve.co.uk — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 01:00:00 +0100

I am a mess

Outwardly I am fine. I function well and put up an impressive front. I am not jumping for joy but I certainly look healthy calm and collected.

Inside I am not doing so well. I was so sure of myself a few weeks ago. I knew I had taken the right decision (to divorce) and I was just getting on, doing everything possible to move on.

I still believe it is the right decision. there is no way I can trust him again. And I will be in far less pain without h [...]

Still Me

reem@mahadi.freeserve.co.uk — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 01:00:00 +0100

I am still me.

Whether I am divorced or not. I am still me.

Even though my heart is broken and my spirit is crushed

I am still me

With all that I have done and all that has been done to me

I am still me

With all my faults and my failures

With all my achievements and my successes

I am still me

No one can change that

No one can take away the little girl that needs to love and be loved

N [...]

Sleep

reem@mahadi.freeserve.co.uk — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 01:00:00 +0100

I can't sleep

I try. I go up and come down. I do some work, a load of laundry here, work on an article there. Then go up again. Still can't sleep.

I go up once more, kiss the kids in their sleep, once more, and try to sleep. Still can't sleep, so I come down again, and go out into the garden... I pace up and down, right to left, come in and try to sleep, but still can't sleep.

Finally I decide this is it. I must rest. I must lie down. I have to be up e [...]

Bland

reem@mahadi.freeserve.co.uk — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 01:00:00 +0100

He's been nice to me lately. It's not perfect, but I do appreciate it anyway.

But I find that the niceness is not enough to make me ‘happy', and the nastiness - when it comes - is not enough to make me ‘angry'.

I am finding that I have lost my passion. I used to have so much passion. I had a passion for life. But now I find everything is just bland.

Nothing tastes of anything. I eat because I have to. I sleep when I cannot stay awake. I enj [...]

Amanda

reem@mahadi.freeserve.co.uk — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 01:00:00 +0100

The news hit me like a ton of bricks

I do not know Mark, and I do not know Amanda personally. I only know Amanda from the chat room; always there for people, always there for me, helping with very valuable advice as well as a sense of humour and a wonderful spirit

At my age, one is certain to have been through similar situations, if not personally, then by proxy - a friend, a relative, someone you love..

So when I heard the news, I felt for Amanda, and I put myself in her place. [...]

Rejection

reem@mahadi.freeserve.co.uk — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 01:00:00 +0100

He had an affair. He is most probably still having the affair. He doesn't want to settle with her. But he's not leaving her.

For a man to have an affair, he is rejecting his partner at a very basic level. He's saying she's not good enough - as a woman. At least that's how I feel. I feel rejected at the most basic level. I am rejected as a woman, my womanhood my femininity, my passion, my love my needs...all of that is cast aside. I am not good enough for him.

Someon [...]

Privacy and Violation

reem@mahadi.freeserve.co.uk — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 01:00:00 +0100

There have been a couple of compromises in recent weeks.

I have been thinking of what can be done about it but I hit a brick wall every time. Any ideas?

I suppose no matter what the wonderful Wikiforce team does, ‘the others' will always be able to access this site. And no amount of security will stop people from registering and becoming members.

I was almost paranoid when I first joined wiki. I was very careful with disclosing information that might lead to my identity [...]

Eating Alone

reem@mahadi.freeserve.co.uk — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 01:00:00 +0100

I have been alone for far too long. I cannot remember the last time I ate a meal at home with someone. I feed the children relatively early. And I eat after they sleep, if I eat at all that is.

And because I am insisting that the children get to spend more time with him, there are several days a week when I'll cook the meal and he'll eat with them, whilst I disappear somewhere....

I forget what it's like to eat as a family.

I've spent years livi [...]

Moving On - Mark 2

reem@mahadi.freeserve.co.uk — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 01:00:00 +0100

I am trying to work my way through this. I am trying to find some peace with this. I take into consideration the situation on the whole. And I keep questioning myself.

It is clear that I haven't done the right thing in the past. I should've asked him to leave the minute I found out about the affair. I should have asked him to leave well before then, when his treatment of me left me miserable, drained and broken.

It was unbearable. He was living in the sa [...]