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Oct 31
2009
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Will I ever forgive and forget?Posted by Mitchum in my story, accepting its over |
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Apparently I'm aiming for indifference and I have to learn not to care about what he did to me and not to think about where he is and what he's doing. After 21 years of being part of a couple, thinking of him and everything that goes with loving and caring for someone, how can I stop?
When he first told me he was ending the relationship I told him I couldn't bear not to know where he is and that he's safe and he said, 'I'll send you regular reports.' When I said that my family were very upset and missed him very much his response was, 'Well I don't know what the fuss is about, no one's died. You'd think we were the only couple who'd ever split up.' As though death is the only source of sadness.
After about the first three weeks, I was diagnosed as suffering from post tramatic stress disorder as a result of the rapid succession of so many life-changing events. My daughter rang him and said, 'I don't know what you've done to Mum but I'd like her back please.'
I've had cognitive behaviour therapy to help me cope. Some things he said or did, I had to write on red card. They were the unacceptable sending off offences. As I came to terms with each one I could discard them, I still have some of them as I will never come to terms with the cruel things he said on occasions.
I cannot bear to think of places we've been together and in 21 years there are plenty of those. We always loved going to the Greek islands. We had some amazing holidays there and I consider them to be our special places. I will never go to Greece again. Since this happened I haven't read a novel and I can't cope with films some news items and songs. I have great difficulty in restaurants and some shops when they're playing love songs. Can't handle it. I have to get out.
I feel emotionally dead. I don't have a normal range of feelings any longer. Just an overwhelming sense of sadness. There is no anger; I don't feel angry.
I am a very visual thinker and some images are indelibly fixed in my memory. I cry just thinking of them. Greek islands, walking in the Yorkshire Dales, driving to Scotland, walking in the woods in autumn, opening Christmas presents. Always images of him, the way he walked, the way he slept on his left side with his left hand over his right shoulder, the way he looked the first time I saw him and he stood up and moved towards me when our mutual friend introduced us, the way he winked when he wanted me to know he was thinking how we could get away from company and be alone; the way he ran his fingers through his hair. I loved going places with him everything was an adventure. I loved when he came home and I would hear the car on the drive then see the top of his head as he walked around the car and opened the gate and my heart would skip a beat even after 20 years.
Even now when we're strangers in the same house I stopped the other day and smelled his jacket on the bannister rail.
And I have to foster indifference to these things.
I should also be able to forgive him. Apparently.
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robinson25
said:
| November 01, 2009 | ||
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i am in the same situation. seperated 10 weeks after 20 years. i went in the garden today and tidied up the greenhouse thinking about him yet again as it was my birthday present last year. Like you there are plaes i feel i cant go to. one being the lakes , we had our honeymoon there and often took the kids away. this time last year we had our first break away without the kids for only one night in ambleside. these thought like yours are painful but two weeks after he left he went walking in the lakes with the ow. i said to him how could you, and he did admit it felt strange but he managed it anyway. After a long time together there are so many memories and i wish i could give you an answer of how to deal with them but i cant. i just wanted you to know you are not alone with these thoughts. x | |
Mitchum
said:
| November 01, 2009 | ||
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Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate your thoughtfulness. It helps to know that I'm not alone in this struggle. Ironically the first holiday he took OW was to Greece. I'd called his mother and she said he's on holiday in Greece. I almost died on the spot with the pain of it. What are they trying to do? Is it because they were happy there once and they're seeking to rekindle that with their new woman? (Well, actually that one fell through.) x |
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julesm
said:
| November 01, 2009 | ||
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Hi Mitchum You are not alone in your struggle. I am in this situation myself. I have to try so very hard not to think about my ex him and what he is doing these days. I think in my particular case though time has made a difference. I am in a better place now than I was a year ago, when we first separated. The pain has lessened and the anger I used to feel at what him and his OW were doing has gone. I am now more disappointed than anything else that he could have ruined our marriage for just a few stolen moments with her. There is no easy answer. Just be patient and give yourself time to heal. It sometimes helps to keep busy. Best Wishes Jules |
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Pheonix2yk9
said:
| November 01, 2009 | ||
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Mitchum You have a good heart and whether you can forgive, in time you could but in your own time but could you forget well again that would be up to you, in time I could forgive my ex but not now, not that it would stop my ex from moving on with her life, but I could never forget the hurt and pain that she has caused me. She has asked for my forgiveness, something I can not give to her at this moment in time, the kind gentle side of me could without hesitation but I have harden up, I am worried that I may harden up too much for the capacity to love another but it's a seperate issue. All you need is time, time to heal yourself, time to make you stronger in yourself, time to focus on yourself and to show the world who you are. Take each day as it comes, baby steps, and live each moment as these are your moments your experiences. Stay strong and take care Pheonix |
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bettertimes
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| November 01, 2009 | ||
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hi Mitchum As Phoenix says give yourself time. A friend of mine who went through divorce years ago said i know it is a cliche but time is a great healer and it is. It is now over two years since my hubby left (21 years married) and i felt i had not just lost a husband but a best friend. I can honestly say i have no feelings left for him apart from some small resentment that he is going to be ok financially in the future and i will struggle working in a fairly low paid job having given up my career to look after our son with asd. But i am not sure how happy he is but there will come a day when you will start to think about you and your happiness. Unfortunately the person who often leaves has had months sometimes years to think about their decision and you need that time to catch up. I personally believe that if someone leaves for another person they will never be truly happy as there is always the doubt if they could do that whats to say their partner can't or vice versa. Unfortunately you need to go through the pain to be able to come out the other side and you will. People care and you just need to give yourself lots of time and some pampering for you now. Try to focus on just one day at a time - easy to say i know but hard to do. At least on wiki you know peeps have been through the same we are all just at different stages. take care and good luck. Big hug for today x |
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NellNoRegrets
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| November 01, 2009 | ||
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I was with my ex for 31 years. It took me 8 months to get over it to the extent of feeling I was myself again. I was on anti-depressants for 5 months and had 9 months of counselling. I also contacted all my old friends, made new ones, went to a book club and film club. It takes time - and effort. Stop going on about what you had and what you did together. That has gone. And even if you were still together you could look back at the past and regret it passing. I found some photos of me and my ex taken years ago that I had forgotten about. I cried buckets, but I wasn't sad we'd broken up, I was sad because I looked so young and slim and because the photos were taken by my lovely m-i-l, who is dead. Instead, focus on the future. Plan things to look forward to - they don't have to be big things, maybe a soak in a bubble bath, a walk in the park, a coffee with a friend. Don't worry about whether or not you can forgive your ex, because that is still making him the centre of your world. He isn't any more. You are. Love yourself and be kind. you might also find "How to mend a broken heart" helpful. It's by Christine Webber and your local library should be able to get you a copy. Keep posting. |
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NellNoRegrets
said:
| November 01, 2009 | ||
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Oh and as for going to Greece, I expect your ex was thinking he'd enjoyed it before. I very much doubt if he thought about you at all. I know that hurts, but men can be very selfish when they are unfaithful. My ex actually thought I'd quite like to go to a concert with him and his ow as they were seeing one of our favourite bands!!!! He also thought my Mum would like to meet his ow!!! This was the sort of insensitive stuff that made me realise he had no idea about me. He wasn't the person I thought he was. That helped me get over him. Now I don't care whether he is happy or not or what he is doing. I am saddened that he has been so insensitive with our sons, but he will regret that when they have nothing to do with him. |
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mjp4
said:
| November 01, 2009 | ||
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oh mithchum reading your post brings tears to my eyes as you so perfectly put into words exactly how myself and from reading other posts lots of others are feeling I have no words of comfort for you as I feel the very same pain but just to let you know you are not alone. We had been together 15yrs and I am finding it such a struggle to let go. take care xx | |
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