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Mar 01
2009
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My children had contact with their father today. 10am to 5pm. Never is this man late, he is always sat in Tesco carpark at least 10 minutes prior to me collecting them at 5pm.
My partner was due to go back to his parents before I collected the children this evening but after one thing and another he stayed and came to collect the children with me. Was I glad that he did just that!
My ex was not there in the car park when I went to collect my children. Ok, I was a few minutes early but even so!
Some people may wonder what the problem with being a few minutes late is.
The first time I tried to leave my ex some 6+ years ago he threatened to take my children (only had 3 then, they would have been 5, 4 & 6 weeks old) and not bring them back. I am not saying he was going to have them live with him either; hopefully you will understand what I am saying.
When I asked him to leave this time, he threatened to burn the house down and also text me to say he was going to take my children away from me forever. We have 5 children, the youngest at the time was 10 months old. In the beginning he would have her on her own, so would have the other 4 together.
People say it is only a threat and he doesn't mean it. He is a drinker, a man with an addictive personality that cannot always reason things, he can't do, being a compulsive gambler.
Those women who have sadly lost their children to ex partners in the worst way possible, were they told it was only a threat, he didn't mean it?
The thought is always there in my mind when our children are with their father. Is this the day he won't bring them home? Of course, some of you will know that we were in court on Wednesday and that my ex is having to let go of some of the control he has over me. Things were said that he didn't like. He slagged off the judge in court and had to apologise. My solicitor made him aware that he wasn't priveledged to certain information about my partner's finances. All things he didn't like.
All I could focus on in those long 15 minutes was the wing mirror of the car, waiting to see a glimpse of my ex's car. For that moment to happen when I knew my children were safe. My partner knew exactly what was going through my head. He rationalised it to a point, to a point that my ex knew what he was doing, he knew the game he was playing.
That fear for me hasn't gone, I guess I have just learnt to cope with it most of the time during their father's contact times. That fear was so real this evening. My body was tensed. Had my partner not been there (after all he wasn't suppose to be) I don't know what I would have done.
My ex never apologised (he didn't when we were married, so why start now!). He gave no reason or excuse for being late. I recall the first Christmas we were apart, the abuse I got for being a few minutes late. Could he not have text me?
So, my partner sees his car coming up the road and tells me I need to pull myself together so as not to let my ex know his game worked, he had got to me. So a kiss, a squeeze of the hand and a chunk of chocolate and I put on that smile, the one we have to put on for the children at least.
My 10 yo daughter got in the car and promptly handed me some photos of my ex's wedding last November. I have this problem that even as far back as our wedding day my ex didn't really want to be with me from the expressions (or lack of them, emotionless even) on his face in our wedding pictures.
So, all children safely strapped in we head home. Then my 12 yo explains why they were late, although later my 6 yo son states otherwise.
My children always return hungry from contact. It was agreed that they would have lunch and tea with their Dad, but he says he doesn't have time nor money to feed them twice. He has taken to giving them one meal at 2pm and a packet of crisps if they get hungry before hand. The children, especially my eldest always jumps to his Dad's defence when the younger ones say they haven't had tea.
I have broached this subject before and for a while he started feeding them regularly but now he thinks I have to play to his rules again otherwise he won't let me move away with the children. The same as the consumption of alcohol at Christmas.
What can I do?
He has once again promised my 10 yo daughter that she can have staying contact over Easter, the same as he did for half term just gone. No staying contact materialised. We will see whether he emails me, I won't hold my breath!
On another note, I have sent him forms to close the joint account but he is using these as some sort of blackmail to get me to give him information I don't have to give. He still won't sign my life insurance over to me nor will he finalise things on the FMH yet feels it ok to send me threatening emails about the mortgage and repossession.
When will it stop?
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DessieB
said:
| March 01, 2009 | ||
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(((Sarah))) I am very impressed that you've let another man into your life! I haven't been through what you've been through but I am a jibbering wreck who cannot imagine having another relationship. I couldn't find my boys at school last Friday. Youngest son's teacher joked that perhaps Ex had got the days mixed up. I told her she should therefore phone the police as it would be child abduction! And I think she thought I was joking! I've spent my Sundy proving my Ex's alcoholism from ASDA, Morrisons & Tesco receipts for a three month period last summer! |
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tiffany
said:
| March 02, 2009 | ||
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I understand exactly how you feel and my ex knows it too. Like you I hope it is a game and nothing more, but it doesn't stop the fear creeping in when they don't return your children on time. I read horrific stories in the paper and imagine that could be me, but like you say, people think you are just being paranoid. I often wonder what it will take for the authorities to take these threats seriously. Does something awful have to happen before they take us seriously. I hope I am never in the position to say 'I told you so' to these do gooders. you have the support of a partner and that must help immensely- not all men are the same and we have to beleive that. Your ex is using your children to cause you pain, because he has lost control over everything else. Keep strong, hard as it is and one day he may give up the fight. He is a bully and you have to sap his strength. Lots of love x | |
Puddytat
said:
| March 02, 2009 | ||
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Big hugs to you Sarah. You're havind a tough time but sounds like you have a very supportive new partner so that's good! You're such a good mum and that shines thru in you blogs. Whatever the ex does you always allow him the chance to parent and your children will always remember that. Keep doing what you're doing. You're a top lady and clearly have your head screwed on  Love and Hugs Puds xx |
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