New Year New Hopes

Hi

New Years Day 2009- to wish everyone a happy New Year does not sit comfortably with me, however I hope that like me you all have hope in your hearts for a happier year. This time last year I could not  have envisaged what was ahead. Thank you to those who have left comments, it was good to be reminded that there is kindness in bucket loads if only you are able to find it. My self esteem has fallen from average to hovering above zero, not only on an emotional and social level but at work and worst of all as a parent. Everything I ever held dear has been destroyed and I find the thought of the journey I have to make terrifying. My closest friend, a remarkable women who has been divorced twice, lost a child of 5 years old to meningitis, and her most recent partner to spinal cancer, tells me I am doing really well, that my journey will not be smooth, that in the long run I will survive and emerge like the butterfly from the chrysalis to a new world. The journey is the bit which frightens me the most. I have been thrust into single parenthood with no input from his father, to contend with the emotional turmoil of a 15 year old boy whilst trying very hard not to ‘poison' him against his father because of how angry I feel toward him as well as be there for the older children especially my daughter who was always a ‘daddy's girl' and now refuses to talk to him. There is so much anger in all of us. I am starting the complicated transfer of finances. A difficult task. Many of you may find this difficult to comprehend but I am financial virgin. Because of the nature of his work all our financial dealings over the last 25 years were dealt with by his accountants. When he left -sorry when I threw him out- he had a house key and my solicitor advised me not to change the locks and he came into the house when I was at work clearing the house of all financial information. He didn't leave anything for the mortgage, insurances, endowments, savings or utility bills. It has been a struggle to get any information on these. He was so very cross when I applied to the Court with regard to our finances but I am so glad I did. It has come to light that he has huge personal debt on multiple credit cards and personal loans, that he has lied for years about the state of our finances. Friends have suggested he has a gambling problem; he certainly was a spendaholic having to buy the latest gadget or gizmo and also drank heavily. He was trying to get me to accept a ‘clean break' with no maintenance for me or our son. Given his income is considerable I found this difficult to stomach. He even said I should go to the CSA if I wanted support for our youngest son. How can a man who earns in 3 months the same as my annual salary say that? I have not told my son this I feel it is too inflammatory to a young man who already says he wishes his father was dead as it would take the stress away from forced meetings. It transpires there are no assets only his income and pension which thankfully is considerable so going for pension sharing. I will have to take a mortgage in my own name for the full amount on our home as he held an endowment on it which matured in March 2008. Somehow he managed not to offset this to the mortgage so I am left with a dilapidated property valued below market value which in the current climate will not sell. I am so very very very cross with myself for allowing this man to dominate me for so long. My daughter wrote to her father and told him all any of us ever wanted was love and commitment not possessions but he could not do the love and commitment thing, his idea of showing how he felt about anyone was to spend money on them but ask for time and there was no hope. Given the professional nature of my ex's job and his large salary my children have only ever had a holiday in this country in a rented cottage often belonging to friends I realise this is more than lots of families get and we had good times but it is the imbalance between family holidays and the fantastic working holidays he arranged for himself several times a year. He was so very selfish. I knew this soon after we were married but believed he could change. He did but for the worse. I am hoping that once the consent order is approved I can apply for the final decree to rid me of his malevolent presence in all our lives and the children and I can move forward. There is so much I want to do in my life I just need time and courage!! I have hope of a better future!!