Divorce proceedings and mediation.

When my husband got the solicitors letter he seemed surprised and accused me of sneaking off to the solicitor.  I asked him what else was I supposed to do... he was not doing anything to work on this marriage.  I asked him not to try and take what was left of my inheritance.  If I was leaving him in the home, the least he could do was let me have my money for a new start.  He agreed. 

The children told me that they wanted to come and live with me in Canada but they wanted to finish their education first.  At this time it all seemed a bit unreal, and I'm not convinced that I was sure I would leave.

We each saw the mediator separately, and had the process explained to us.  Then we went together.  Because we had discussed it beforehand, we got it all sorted out in one session!   The only stumbling block was that my husband wanted a 60/40 split in his favour and I wanted 50/50.  I agreed not to touch his pension and suggested a 55/45 split and he agreed.  When discussing trigger events for the sale of the house, the mediator said it was usual to have them set for when the youngest child reaches 18 or the parent in the house remarries or cohabits.  My husband said that he had no intention of ever marrying or living with anyone ever again!  The mediator laughed and said "so if Jennifer Anniston were to declare her undying love for you tomorrow, you would turn her down?".   So we didn't bother with that trigger event, just added if the house is sold for some other reason, or he dies, then I get my share of the estate.

Finally hubby had to come up with five examples of my unreasonable behaviour.  He said I was always going away on holiday on my own or with my daughter.  Mediator asks me if this is true.  I said yes, but he had agreed to it at the time, and went away on his own too.  Hubby said I didn't do housework, then he couldn't think of anything else.  The mediator turned to me and asked if I could help?  I laughed and looked at my husband, I said what I was unhappy about and from that the mediator decided "lack of communication" was a good choice.  We eventually came up with five.  But they sounded quite feeble on paper.

We went about our normal life after that.  I wasn't sure when I was leaving, but I knew I couldn't face Christmas with him so I said I wanted to be gone by then.   We live in a small house, I was still sleeping in the same bed as him but feeling very uncomfortable about it.  I was also thinking about things a lot.   Noticing how much later he had been working at the bar this year,  going to the gym, and was it my imagination but he seemed to be acting different. 

He always left his mobile phone on charge in the kitchen and I had never looked at it.  He often read out filthy jokes that someone was sending him.  They were far to crude for me, but it didn't stop him reading them.

I don't know why I looked, but one night I looked at his text messages, and there were suggestive messages from a woman.  I knew her to be a married woman from the football club bar.  I guess I am naive but I was shocked.  I didn't say anything to him.  I felt guilty for looking, but it also seemed pointless as we were divorcing anyway.  I continued to check the phone though.  He usually deleted the ones he sent, but kept some of hers, plus a couple of private pictures she has sent him (yuk).

Then there were some texts from another girl!  This one seemed to lack intelligence, it wasn't "text talk" she had terrible spelling and grammar.  She said she had ruined everything, she was pregnant and they knew it couldn't be his (he'd had a vasectomy) but she wanted one last night with him...  he agreed.  So now he was seeing two women? 

By now I am feeling totally humiliated.  I'd had no idea he was screwing around and I was pretty sure that it has started while I was away visiting my dying friend. 

My daughter was noticing his lies, and his working late etc. 

It's strange how I felt... I wasn't hurt or upset, which proved to me that my love for him had died a long time ago.  I just felt naive and stupid.

Once my solicitor had told me that my physical presence was not require for the divorce to continue, I booked my flight and started to arrange to have a few things shipped over.  One morning hubby said he had to go into work early, I was suspicious cos at the time he was on set hours.  I needed to pick up some boxes from a friend on the Industrial estate so I drove over there at the time he was supposed to start work and sure enough he arrived on time,  90 minutes after he had left home.

Although we had done all the mediation, he had still not actually started the actual divorce, so I spoke to my solicitor and told her that if he didn't do something soon, I would divorce him on his adultery.  Later in the day she rang me back...  and said she'd spoken to his solicitor, and he denied the accusation.  I was horrified.  She told me I couldn't divorce him on those grounds without telling him, lol, I said I knew but I wasn't ready to confront him yet. 

He came home and we had a huge row.  He just kept denying it, even though I admitted looking at his phone and seen the proof.  You'd think it was worse that I looked at his phone!   But he flattly denied he'd been unfaithfull dispite the evidence.