|
Sep 30
2008
|
 |
How do you know when its time to move on and start to do normal things again like dating? Since the age of 13 i have spent 17 years in total - in 2 long relationships (one of which was married) and im only 32. People around me think that i should get back on the horse and 14 weeks on my own is long enough. the thing is i feel that i dont have anything else left to give - my little heart is still broken and i think that if i started dating again the kiddies wouldnt take it very well. Shouldnt i wait until after the divorce, that could take a while as hes now decided he doesnt want one now - arrhh bless him - so i have decided to speed it through as quickly as possible. I need him out of my life. He said that i would never have 'closure', because he will always be there as we have children. It felt like a threat to me.
Who in there right mind would want to come into my life? Im a full time working mum of three who has very little time for a relationship and after everything that has happened i have some serious trust issues that i cant see going any time soon. On the other hand do i really want someone, i mean why set myself up for more heartache, pain and suffering - im better off on my own. But i have to admit, the thought of spending the rest of my life on my own fills me with dread, dont get me wrong - i dont need a man to make me happy - but its nice to love and to be loved.
What if i get it wrong again - what if i listen to my heart and not my head and spend the next 11 years of my life with a person who does not deserve my loyalty, love and commitment. What about the kids - could i really put them through this again? its just too much of a risk to take.
Comments (14)
Show/Hide comments
buxtonman
said:
| September 30, 2008 | ||
 |
Hi Lilybel Slow down! This is no time to be thinking about dating. Your friends are wrong. It will go horribly wrong if you try (assuming you are the one that was left/cheated on, or otherwise mistreated). It takes 6 months to a year on average to recover from this nightmare of divorce. I am only 6 months into this and I am still not ready. I do feel I am getting closer though. So the answer is not to think about it for a while. You have PLENTY of time so relax (at least on this subject). Time to concentrate on your well-being and only that. Andy |
|
cindygirl
said:
| September 30, 2008 | ||
 |
Hi Lilybe, i dont think you are ready for dating just now. You are still raw & like you say, wouldnt want to be hurt again. If you start dating now & it goes wrong it will make you feel much worse. Try giving it another few months at least. You will get there when the times right, Cindy |
|
TryingMyBest
said:
| September 30, 2008 | ||
 |
Agree with Bux totally. I'm going through it all now, and although I'd love some physical and emotional intimacy with someone, I know I'm just way off being ready. And the last thing I would want to do is confuse my beautiful kids (4 and 6). The whole div thing needs to be well and truly behind me. But... if I did ever get into any kind of new relationship, I suspect it would be with someone who has been through something similar to me - probably with kids similar ages to mine, and hopefully someone gorgeous, warm and wonderful. You don't live anywhere near West London do you?  tmb |
|
phoenix1
said:
| October 01, 2008 | ||
 |
Not sure I agree 100% with the other post's Dating does not mean you have to be in a long term relationship, Dating means in my eye's, being available if the 'right' person comes along. There is nothing wrong at all about going out for a nice meal with someone, your not commiting yourself to anything and at the end of the evening if it's not right, it's not right. What's the worst that can happen? You have a evening out, Your made to feel special, and maybe you have gained a friend and gained a bit of confidence back. And I guess after date number one you will know if your ready or not. My only other advise would be don't jump in with both feet and keep your guard up untill your sure it's safe. Apart from that enjoy ! Phoenix1 |
|
Angel557
said:
| October 01, 2008 | ||
 |
Not sure if i agree with phoenix , i dated way too soon after i split from the hubby, and what did i get for my troubles yep more heartache and a major headache , i don't feel after 14 weeks you can be ready to date without the main topic of conversation being your divorce and your ex , who wants to listen to that all night when your suppose to be having fun and it will come up cos were nosey creatures us humans we ask lots of questions.Very hard in some cases not to let your heart rule your head your still way too vunerable imo but the choice is yours at the end of the day. | |
Julian ex FBGS
said:
| October 01, 2008 | ||
 |
I was lucky in that by chance I met the promoters of a Non-Dating club. They felt there was a need for a group of people who meet once a month for a meal and sometimes the odd trip. They felt there were enough speed dating, blind dates and everything else, but not enough environments where you could meet men and women in a non pressured situation and where you increase your circle of friends. I have met some lovely people and it is nice just to feel normal again and talk to people in a largish group of 20 or 30. Theie business model depends on people not dating because their membership would not attend functions but there have been the odd romance or two amongst some members. Take a look and see if there is a similar group in your area. If nothing else it provides an excuse to put on some smart clothes and engage in some pleasant chat. Julian |
|
phoenix1
said:
| October 01, 2008 | ||
|
I guess it is a personal thing and each person is different and once again I will say that dating is not about jumping into a long term relationship, it's about taking one step at a time. The reasons why I wouldn't date again I'm not sure if I could trust someone just yet I don't want to get hurt again I don't want to be lied to again My self esteem is low and I don't think I'm good enough I'm not sure I want a long term relationship yet Reasons to date again Maybe someone could help me to trust again and show me that not everyone is the same Maybe If I just sit here all day I will miss out on that 'special' person to share my life with Maybe it will help to realise that I am not worthless and improve my self esteem Maybe it will help the healing process I am on Maybe it's better to go on a date than just sit in front of the TV (or Wiki) Maybe I am allowed to go out and enjoy myself again As long as you go into it with your eyes wide open and don't expect to much and if something doe's turn into something more, make sure it's for the right reason's Sorry but life's to short and I am not prepared to let my ex still have a 'control' over me. I don't want to put a wall up around me to protect me, I want to remove the one that is there now. We all heal at different speeds and only you know if you are ready so the choice is yours and yours alone. Whatever you choose I wish you the best of luck. Phoenix1 |
|
IKNOWNOW
said:
| October 01, 2008 | ||
 |
I have more issues practically than emotionally I guess. Being a single parent with small children leaves you with not many options to meet and date a man without involving the children, especially when their father has less than 12 hours contact a month. I don't want my children to have "uncle" after "uncle", nor do I want one boyfriend after another, but how do you find out whether you are compatible if you can't spend time with them without involving your children. I don't want to be on my own forever and I would like to think that a good male role model in our lives would be good for both me and the children. Any suggestions greatfully received. That said, I do think it is still early days for you to be thinking about dating. I have made the mistake of believing someone showing me affection was going to turn into something more at great speed only to get hurt. As for what Phoenix says; I think this is easier for the NRP as they are free to pursue the single life, whereas the PWC has to make childcare arrangements just to go out and find the potential date in the first place. Take your time, find the real you again, the single you, before going out looking for something. If it finds you, then that is a different thing entirely. Sarah |
|
bertie670
said:
| October 01, 2008 | ||
 |
No advice to give on dating but certainly 14 weeks is no time at all. Just a comment re Sarah's comment, why could NRP not have children to allow PWC more 'time off' by baby sitting. I know in many situations (esp Sarah) this wouldn't work but there is no need to stick rigidly to the child arrangements. |
|
Young again
said:
| October 01, 2008 | ||
 |
Hi Lillybel, Surely the question is not whether to date or not to date, but whether it is time to let loose any self-imposed shackles of a redundant relationship? Once the xtb has gone there is more than just a void in our lives, there are doubts and anxieties about ourselves. Yes, these take time to come to terms with and resolve but in my opinion the process of regaining oneself cannot come about solely from within. At some point some form of personal contact with others will be needed for a full and healthy recovery. I would think that at the beginning this form of personal contact should be simply friendly, the sharing of an experience as individuals, not as mothers or fathers but as people. Once we can think of ourselves as a whole and complete person and not part of a failed relationship, we will be in a better position to judge for ourselves what we are capable of dealing with in terms of relationships and just how far they may progress. One thing I would heartily recommend is no more self-delusion, if it doesn't feel right then it is not right and that's the end of that. YA |
|
Write comment
Show/Hide comment formYou must be logged in to a comment. Please register if you do not have an account yet.
