3:43
4:22
5:07
6:34

Yes I've seen each of those times on the bedside clock. Nearly 4 hours sleep. I just wish I could sleep more. I can't stop yawning yet I can't sleep. My body needs sleep, I want to sleep - why aren't I sleeping? If I sleep, I don't think,  I don't want to think, I still long for an hour where he doesn't enter my thoughts. One clear hour.

The sun is shining through the window, 1st March and glorious sunshine. I can't stay in bed on a day like this. I would normally have been up in a flash with weather like this. Why can't I face getting up? I do eventually make myself get up

I couldn't face work, so I didn't go in. Luckily I have an understanding boss.

I had managed a few hours sleep without the aid of tablets or alcohol - I'm actually proud of myself. I know I've got to look after myself physically as well as emotionally and I'm determined not to make myself ill. I got up and packed a gym bag in the hope I could face going out, I couldn't, I went back to bed. Why couldn't I go out?

I'm not crying today. I'm a zombie.

All I can do is lie in bed and question why. I think about everything that happened towards the end of our marriage.  It's all I think about, over

 

The weekend has been the longest of my life.  I had already been through the initial pain back at New Year, and it didn't get any easier the second time.  Although I knew a little better this time on how to help myself.  I spoke to friends straight away and told them everything - I knew they would be the support I needed.

I couldn't sleep - I think in the initial days that followed, all I wanted to do was sleep and not think about him.  To have an hour where he didn't enter my thoughts, where I didn't question why.  I longed for a switch to turn everything off.

Our situation is complicated