after just woken up from a undisturbed sleep, thoses dreadful thoughts have started to creep into my mind. How much i miss him, his company,i,still love him, would i have him back. All those flamming emotions that i can normaly control, they are so powerful at these twilight hours. I had made up my mind, there can be no friendship beween us at the moment. I need to let my pain heal, and i cant do that with him always there, throwing me the same smiles he did when he 'loved' me.

last night i again encouraged the kids to ask him over for a while (b4 he had to pick up 'not girl friend' from

Another sleepless night,where I was awake most of the night with my heart racing( I have a bad heart and have had 2 operations on it) and I know this is all down to what is going on.

He called yesterday to speak to kids,has'nt for 7 weeks,kids answered yes or no didn't have alot to say to him,asked them what they had been up to,kids said not alot as mum has no money,his reply was your mum has loads of money go and ask her,he kept repeating till youngester asked me,to which I replied tell him to grow up,what is the matter with the bloke,why is he so bitter.

Still didn't give the kids a day to

I have decided not to take the job in Manchester as every time I speak to the guy the job description and hours change. Now he wants me to work 10 hours a day for very little money and he wont put anything in writing it all feels really odd to me and too much of a risk. So I am now going to concentrate on packing my house up down here and applying for other jobs.