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Jun 30
2008
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It is so unfair. How can I stop him having financial control over me?
Once again, he has failed to pay my Child Maintenance on time. My mortgage is due tomorrow and still the CSA have not received his money. I could shift some money around; although even this is getting hard to do as my reserve tank that is there to pay my solicitor's bill for the transfer of property is being "borrowed" left, right and centre.
Thing is, he has NOT paid before; not just a late payment but NOT paid. So I would be leaving myself wide open and then not having money to feed the children for the month if this is one of those months.
How can he do this to his children? Does he not realise that I am already paying back arrears from before when he didn't pay me, prior to the settlement? Another month and a half of arrears and that is it, my file gets passed to the bank's solicitors.
I struggle, really struggle with money every month just to get by, without wondering how I am going to tax my car or maintain the house. My 3 youngest all needed new shoes at the weekend (thank god for the sale - but still money I didn't have) and in a few months 4 of them will need school uniform again.
So, if the CSA don't have his money by this afternoon I face the decision as to whether to pay my mortgage on time or end up with another black mark for late or non payment.
I could scream, I am trying to get him off the mortgage so I cannot have him control whether I can fix another term when this one runs out. I am trying so hard to cut the ties and let him be able to get a mortgage with HER.
We all know he has seen my bank statements owing to the bank error and them sending him all my sole account details. He can see I have no money.
How is it fair that her can take HER for weekends away, to see my favourite singer (something he never did with me) and someone he never liked; that they can have a joint gym membership, always have new clothes and both drive cars that are less than 5 years old, when I can't even pay my mortgage?
They are our children, mine and his, yet I have all the responsibility and no support from him, except 12 hours a month (12 hours a month where I sit and wonder what crap my children are going through and ultimately at the back of my mind, whether today will be the day something clicks in his head and he doesn't bring them back).
People say stop contact until he starts paying properly, but no, I can't do that as I have a court order stating that I have to let him see them otherwise I could ultimately face a prison sentence. How is this fair? How can this be remotely fair?
Sorry, today is a bad day, I hate this monthly struggle, wondering whether he is going to pay me and then whether that will be on time. I hate having to depend on him for money, but they are his children, why shouldn't he pay?
He already pays the minimum amount possible because he is playing the system (and whilst the CSA have loopholes he will continue to benefit from them) and pays reduced SM because of self inflicted debts (likely to be gambling) since the seperation (how I would loved to have had £3ok on credit in 6 months).
Sorry, today I rant, today I can't help feeling bitter that he has it all.
I have my 5 lovely kids and no money in the world is worth more than my babies to me but I need to be able to care for them; give them the necessities in life. A house, food and clothes. Am I asking too much from a man who is supposed to be their father?
It will be a year next month since I found the courage and strength to ask him to leave. I know it was the right decision and on that I have never waivered. So nearly a year on and he can still find ways to abuse me and the children. The more control that is taken away from him, the more he has to find another way.
Money is becoming one of the only ways (other than the children) that he has any control over me. If I could walk away, God knows I have thought about it; but why should I run, where will it get me? Further isolated from people that care; so he will have won.
I am not running anywhere, but neither can I fight him with the same angst he shows me. All I want to do is protect my children from further hurt and pain. This is not helped by a solicitor who nearly 3 weeks down the line has still not written a letter to my ex-husband. How can the abuse be seen as having significance if she doesn't treat it with any urgency? Drawing attention to it a month later, what does that say?
What is the purpose of his abuse? Why can't he just move on and be happy with HER? Financially they will always be so much better of than me. They have a social life; even if I could get a babysitter once in a while I can't afford to go out. They have each other! I don't want him back, God forbid; I just need someone to hold me once in a while and tell me it will be alright.
Why do I let him do this to me? I am sitting here in tears writing a blog and know people I have never met before will read this and feel for me. How then can he hate me so much to not care just enough to put his children first?
I have felt so much love and compassion since I have been on wiki and that in itself hurts because I have now seen that I was starved of this for so many years; not just from him, but not having friends who were there for me and family who kept their distance because of him.
Oh, today is a bad day, there is always tomorrow, hey.
My little girls will smile at me in a minute or do something funny and I will know why I am doing what I do; I am doing it for my babies. Everything is about my babies; why can he not see that?
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Donnylass
said:
| June 30, 2008 | ||
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Sarah, I know this may sound like a platitude, but at least you are getting this off your chest. Releasing the anger and pain from the inside will relieve the pressure to allow you some space for a small amount of calm to come in. I really do feel for you and wish there was some way-no matter how small-that I could help you. Sending hugs and letting you know that I am thinking about you seems so futile at times  I hated it when scumbag used his AA sayings, but I have to admit 'this too shall pass' has gone through my head quite often these last few weeks. Take care (((((((x))))))) -you nearly got a line of 9s then as I forgot to push the shift key!!!! |
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gareth67
said:
| June 30, 2008 | ||
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Hi Sarah, I'm assuming that you have already made your case to the lender? If not I would ASAP, during this current credit crunch the money lenders are going to be a lot more open to some one willing to pay but has problems. I know you will do what is best for you and the kids but that doesn't help does it, you know most of us have been here in one way or another and we will as always try to offer whatever help we can. Keep smiling, and you are right tomorow is another day (sound a familiar line from somewhere) Did you read about some one that got chatting on the web and it progressed and she found out in the end he was loaded and had his own castle, and they leave happily ever after, there is always hope Kepp going mate Gareth |
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gorgeous
said:
| June 30, 2008 | ||
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Hi Sarah This probably doesnt help but Im doing the same csa on the 10th not paid direct from source he changed his bank not give details so late too late to pay mine too. Im in negative equity now and so no point in company trying to get money when i simply dont have it. Anyone know how i get him off the mortgage ? Sorry starting to rant and im supposed to be supporting you. I draw strength from the 3 smiles I get when I wake up in the morning and the constant hugs through the day. Im the one whose always there for them and they know it. I know your kids are young so its even harder my eldest said thanks mum I feel free - last night when we were chatting about his father. So my success is the fact he will never again control my kids on a daily basis so they can take my house car the lot but never the love of my chidren. Stay in control you know you will win in the end Take care xx |
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senshe
said:
| November 16, 2008 | ||
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Thinks he has had the last laugh! Background: ....My boy, 14 at the time we split, and through circumstances suited to all three of us, stayed with his father. Ex has job affording him rent and bill free acommodation. Twice my salary and her income too, child tax credit, child benefit and monthly payments from me, in addition to this he has investment in a gambling club affording him further income. As i suspected as soon as my boy finished school at 16 he was coerced by his father to return to live with me; welcomed with open arms I hasten to add. Its nice to come home to someone and to cook for two. Plus he's great company when not acting like a spoilt teen. Rather than pass the Child Benefit payments to me my ex Immediately cancelled it, as my boy did not intend going to college and despite only 2 months entitlement before it ran out in the September. Of course I could claim these months but instead I helped my boy find a small job in a fast food outlet, but unfortunately this didnt last. To date my ex refuses outright to contribute a penny to his sons upkeep; claiming he can't afford it. So here I am on a lone salary, mortgaged to the hilt (rather than be homeless) with no other income whatsoever to provide for a 6' teen with an elephants appetite, continuing growth spurts and consistant financial requests; for which I dont always oblige ... oh the joys of parenting teens! Thats where connexions came in and got my boy on an EMA course for which he receives £30. Simply because he's involved with Connextions I can claim Child Tax Credit for up to 20 weeks and now he's on a course, I can claim for its duration, as with Child Benefit too. Subsequently this entitles me to go through CSA for his fathers contribution, which I believe is approx of his income (not sure if Gross or Net?). And claim I will, CB & CTC forms have been submitted, so its only a matter of time. Maybe then I can take my son on our first holiday holiday in three years, whilst his father arranges his 5th since we split. Grrr... CSA here I come Now who's gonna be laughing? |
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