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Jun 30
2008
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Moving On - Mark 2Posted by Rani4 in moving on, grief and loss, affairs and cheating, accepting its over |
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I am trying to work my way through this. I am trying to find some peace with this. I take into consideration the situation on the whole. And I keep questioning myself.
It is clear that I haven't done the right thing in the past. I should've asked him to leave the minute I found out about the affair. I should have asked him to leave well before then, when his treatment of me left me miserable, drained and broken.
It was unbearable. He was living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, and yet he'd be huffing and puffing complaining about everything, then go out (to go to her?), only to come back still miserable, still grumpy.
The situation became untenable for me. For him it was still ok. And why not - He had a wonderful wife, beautiful kids, a lovely home, and all the help and support any one would dream of. And also, he wanted to carry on with the affair, and still treat me badly, and still claim he loved me. He broke my heart several times a day - that's not love.
He's not living in the family home anymore. And I am no longer broken. I am by no means a success story, as I am really struggling with everything. But at least my children rarely see me cry now - that's a HUGE achievement. The pain is there. And I think I will always carry the scar on my soul.
I never used to smile. And now I smile almost every day. How I longed for someone to smile to me, and now I am the one who's smiling - sometimes.
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Shezi79
said:
| June 30, 2008 | ||
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(((((((((Rani))))))))))) baby steps honey. You know, Mish and I were sitting having breakfast yesterday and talking about the recovery road. Where are we on it? Do we even know we should be on it? etc. What occurs to me on reading your post Rani, is that you have dealt with the crossroads, you have decided on direction, you have taken that all-important first step, and you are moving.... that's it! That's the deal.... the rest is down to time. So just keep putting one foot down firmly Rani. And then another. And... Shez  |
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gareth67
said:
| June 30, 2008 | ||
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Hi Rani, Just to echo the thoughts of the others, you seem to be moving on and it has got to be better than still being in limbo, hasn't it ( I do hope so) Smiling is good for the soul, and so too is blogging, keep on going and you and the kids will come out better for it Gareth |
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IKNOWNOW
said:
| June 30, 2008 | ||
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Rani, I have seen you grow in strength and perspective on your journey to a better life. Focus and the point that you know where you are going and want to be are great. With you all the way Rani. Take care xx Sarah xx |
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Rani4
said:
| June 30, 2008 | ||
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Thanks to you all for your encourageing responses. I am afraid I spoke too soon. Today i do not feel as positive as i did last night. Suddenly i feel unloved and rejected. all of a sudden i am crying again. and i am not sure why. i do have to endure this till it passes. i keep repeating this to myself 'i just have to endure' but it is taking so much emotion, so much energy.. i feel drained. i eat a little better now, but i sleep very very little. thanks for having faith in me. i hope tomorrow i'll feel better again. love to all Rani |
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Shezi79
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| July 01, 2008 | ||
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a postscript... you know when youre on that recovery road? Well, you're allowed to sit down and have a cry. You're allowed to take a few backward steps. You're allowed to go back to the crossroads to try another route. You're allowed to do all of these things and still be on the recovery road. What you have found at wiki, Rani, are a few travelling companions just so that you don't have to travel alone... Shez x |
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Rani4
said:
| July 01, 2008 | ||
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Shezi, my dear friend, what I found at wiki is a whole lot more than travelling companions... I found support, I found friendship and a great deal more I am quite sociable in 'real' life and have plenty of good friends and support. but here, people are going through similar, and I don't have to explain myself much. Today started out a bad day, I called a friend and found myself in the middle of explaining why i feel the way I do. But you, Shezi, summed it up in two words. I am on the way to recovery, and I just hit a hitch. I'll get over it and keep going on. You understand this, and other friends at wiki understand this. I don't have to explain. You sound like my sister who I adore. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for not letting me travel alone. Rani |
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