Hi Jenny;
Can't help on the legal advice bit. All I can say is that this time last year we were in the same situation. We decided what was best for us; I asked him to get it drawn up; on return from solicitors he deicded I'd get nothing.... (talk about hearing-what-he-wanted-to-hear!) and that is when it gets expensive!

This is why so many people here have gripes about solicitors conduct.
My advise would be to remain as amicable as possible, and sort your issues BEFORE going to a soliciotr.

If you go to Mediation; you will be issued forms (a bit like a Form E) and be 'expected' to make an honest disclosure; before discussing how your assets are split.

Form E (to my knowledge) is a legal Court form that you would only need if you've applied for Ancillary Relief proceedings. (You can download them if you want to know the content and questions).

Our mediator did say that a court would assess your agreement. In one case, a man wished to walk away with nothing. The court said that he hadn't budgeted for his living expenses; Pensions etc. Now, this Government does not want to be handing out State benefits more than it already does: therefore; a court will consider if the settlement works for both parties.

Sera

I've just had one of those two days ago. They make their griping points hidden behind those words....

But you are a self repper! (you didnt know that you couldnt bring it to the courts attention! :­b­link­­: ) Mind you at the start of our case, (because we didnt actually know what we were doing 4 years ago) we wrote it at the top of every letter we sent. LOL But hey they still prepared a file for the FH with them all in it!! And left out all their responses especially the ones where they had put "without prejudice bla blah....does make you wonder what the Judge thought of it all) In fact our FH Judge was briiliant (but then we won ) I think I may write to her asking her to come look at Wiki, you never know do you? Maybe just maybe we may get a district Judge to comment, anything is worth a try I suppose.

Jenny

The problem here that you have is that say you did everything without legal advise and you get your divorce and AR is all sorted.
Years down the line, say one of you win the lottery or something happens and you or your ex spouse decides they want a share of what ever it is. Even if you have had a consent order drawn up and stamped by a Judge (harder I admit) but either of you can go back to court at a later date and because you never had legal advise at the time of the divorce, then its a always possible to open the case again. (I know, we have had 3 years of it! Forget verbal agreements they mean nothing)
Now you have a choice here you can both agree to whatever, go see a solicitor, but this is where the fun starts, they will (or supposedly) help their client get a fair settlement. Now you can just say if they say "we dont think it is fair" well we do and thats it, I want you to draw up a consent order regardless and that is it.
But my guess is that when people go to see a solicitor they are suddenly told things they never even considered, therefore making any agreement between each other seem like a con by the other person.(which is a little unfair as the other party probably didnt know either)
My advice to you is to sit down if at all possible and go through everything all your assets and all your debts, try and reach an amicable settlement between yourselves and keep solicitors out of it at that stage.
I find it odd that a couple cant use the same solicitor if everything is amicable,and everything is above board and straight, surely it would be better for a solicitor to advise both, if there are no arguments. Just seems daft to me that you cant, especially if all they want is a consent order drawn up.

Dont even get me started on the subject of consent orders!!!! They too, are fiddled at any opportunity, if written out by the other side. But thats another story.............

My best advise is try and try to come to an arrangement between yourselves.

My own divorce I did myself, I did it within 3months and a day. The arrangements with the kids and property, debts etc, I sorted with my ex. We have no consent order or anything, but I trust him wholeheartdley, but the difference is if I ever won the lottery I would give him half anyway. After all he is the father of my children and he is my very very good friend and at the end of the day we both only want whats best for the kids.
I know he should of paid me more than he did or does for them, he pays me £30 a week, but then I had the house and gave him a small lump sum for a deposit on another house and he kept all his pensions and wages. He also went halfs with me for everything like dancing fees for daughter, school holidays etc. I also went out and got a job and lived quite comfortable with WFTC etc. He knows he got a good deal and so do I. It all depends on how fair you each are and most of all how much trust you each have.

I wish you well
Kindest Regards
Louise

Hi louise and Sena

thanks for the advise. I spoke to ex this morning, he has already seen a solicitor. I'm going to petition for divorce on the grounds of ub - he is having an affair and she moved in 2 weeks after he moved out. I've told him I want to keep things as amicable as possible, he then said he wants to do everything through his solicitor. I've warned him about the legal costs if he does that and already said about trying mediation. He has started to get very aggressive with me telling me to get full-time job and trying to force my youngest daughter (11yrs) to meet his girlfriend. I've worked all my life and returned to work part-time when my youngest was 5 wks old so that has really upset me this morning. He said the first thing his solicitor said to him was why doesn't your wife go full-time. I can see if we do end up doing it through solicitors it's going to be long, painfull and very expensive.
I just want a quick, fair and final ending.
thanks again for your input.

Hi Jenny,
Sorry to hear it - but it looks like you are already in for the long, expensive slog of litigation. If he only wants contact through solicitors; then you've got a problem. There's a lot to discuss obviously; and it'll cost a lot to discuss it. £200 per hour or so.

You could start by writing a letter; simply state what your agenda is: state that you'd like to talk (either privately to resolve issues) or in Mediation. Keep a copy of your dated letter. This may be needed to prove (further down the road) that at every opportunity you have attempted to mediate away from the Courts.

Mine started out the expensive route; he did attend mediation; then cancelled after two sessions. His sol wrote saying "this case is not suitable for mediation" and stated that the Mediator refused to see me; alleging that I abused him!!!!!!

The Mediation centre sent a very nice letter stating "we're sorry that your husband has cancelled...." and goes on to invite me back at any time. So that negates that allegation.

You can direct your ex to read this Forum. It could set you back tens-of-thousands to fight this in court. Many people here quote £30,000 to £80,000 Mostly what you're fighting for isn't worth wasting the money to fight it!

If a man is self employed, doesn´t declare to the inland revenue, lives abroad, all or any of the above he can lie, lie, lie, and even if you prove it, "they" are not really interested. The solicitors love it when there are questions, after questions, and if the kids are living with you, then it doesn´t matter to him (unless he is a caring father) that he has to pay, pay, pay to the money grabbing solicitors.
The only party to ever really gain are the solictors and they dont really CARE, nor do the judges, pass it along the line, milk it for all its worth and to hell with the poor kids at the end of it all. Where are all the female judges. I have been to the courts so many times I have lost count and only once did I have a female judge and she (I am no femanist) she was the only one who acted with decision making judgements and in my mind reasonable. They were not biased to me, they possibly were for the child which in my opinion is the only one who counts. The British system really needs changing and now that we are getting more mobile the european law needs to be far more supportive.

Hi all

Its just a thought, maybe a silly one, but if my ohs solicitor was to make a very good offer to me, would they still use the calderbank letter? Or are they selective, mnn the answer to that is..selective. I have just had a peek at their first letter, asking for info on something we own jointly, and at the top states.. Re Matrimonial Matters. I might answer back with.. For the attention of ALL concerning Faithfull v Unfaithfull. Regarding your stupid offer of Zilch..blah blah.. I think...

Then i could show that to the judge and the Calderbank means nothing... Then again Louise, ill adopt your approach,"oh, so thats what calderbank means!"

I am fed up with saying the same old thing, "its all a b*****y game"

Hi,

Have just been reading this thread and feel thoroughly depressed , am just starting out on this business , stbx seeing sol today im told! I thought we could go to mediation , come up with agreement and have it made into order and that would be that!! I didnt want this split and would dearly love to try and work things out but he seems to be ploughing ahead with stuff .
I had read that legal costs built up are taken from joint "pot" before dividing the rest , so if I self rep and he runs up thousands in bills ( he has enough money to do this) does that mean that he gets support of big gun solicitors helping him give me as little as poss , while I self rep , scrimp to pay bits I need to and then it all comes out of "our" pot anyway ! so I loose out twice ! He gets the legal support , we both pay !
Any thoughts?