After he left last Sunday he rang to say he was missing the children terribly and wanted to come visit them. My son who is six has rang his dad every day and is a bit baffled by the 'working away' story. They really need him. Anyway, he's been here all weekend, I made myself scarce yesterday but in the evening we had another chat. Nothing has changed, he still feels there's nothing left between us. I know he didn't give me any allusions why he was visiting but I suppose I had some secret hope that he would see me and think what an idiot he had been. I felt totally crushed again. He stayed over (I know this was wrong/stupid) and will go again later this afternoon. I can't hate him even though I want to. I believe him when he says that there is nobody else, but in a way this makes it even harder to take. If there was, I wouldn't be able to speak to or look at him and I certainly wouldn't allow him to be here with me.
He did say yesterday that he will go to counselling now - he said no before. But if you don't love somebody anymore, no amount of counselling can bring it back, can it? And what do I do when he wants to see the kids again? He's too far away to come for the day or am I letting that be an excuse for him to stay here?
I know this isn't the right way to handle a separation. I think he's trying not to hurt me (how ridiculous is that?) but he's got the best of all worlds - he's got space when he wants it and he's got me and the kids when he wants us. I'm under no allusions, he's told me how he feels but I'm still hoping for him to change his mind. I am being so stupid and its not really like me, I'm usually the strong one.

Hallo

You are not being stupid, stop beating yourself up. Separation (even if mutually agreed) is very painful, more so if children are involved.

My husband has only moved a short distance away, and comes round a bit. When he isn't here I sometimes wish he was, when he does come I want him to go.

I can't bear it when he talks to me as though we are friends, but I hate it when he doesn't talk.

It's all ghastly.

Maybe you need to think about what you would like. If he needs to stay, put him in a spare room, or on the sofa. Or perhaps he could stay with friends/relatives nearby. Make arrangements to get out of the house when he comes so you are doing something else and don't have to be around him.

Hi Sunshine, so sorry you're going through this. Surely its a good sign if he wants to go to counselling with you? Maybe he has some love for you & wishes he could go back to how it used to be in the early days? Try to stay strong, give him some space to think things out, they say absence makes the heart grow fonder, it might be what he needs. If theres nobody else you have a little chance of saving your marriage. Hoping i'm right for your sake, but we are here for you,
Cindy

He's left again. I am very confused. It was like he hadn't been anywhere or that he really had just had a few days working away like he told the kids. I don't know what to think. I dropped him at the station and he got out of the car and said "thanks for everything" - thats the kind of thing my dad says when he's visited for the weekend...I wonder if this really could be a mid-life crisis, he turned 40 this year, around the time when he said he didn't love me anymore and wanted to leave.
Stupidly I asked him to not go again, I wish I hadn't and I could be cooler, less attached. I know I should have more respect for myself, I am letting him hurt me. When you have been with somebody all your life, its very hard to let go. I've read lots on this site and the separations seem mostly kind of harsh or quick or filled with anymosity, his approach is 'softly, softly' but its no less devastating. Maybe I should stop all contact for a while? Has anybody done this?
Its difficult with the kids though, I don't want to prevent them from talking to him or from seeing him. I wish I could curl up in my bed and hide for a couple of weeks, I might be able to find myself again if I did.

Hi Sunshine. This process usualy knocks the stuffing out of us. You may have been strong once but you are on the back foot now. It happens. In time you will come to terms with it. He is in his own place (in his head) and you are right no amount of talking will shift things. There is an old (and true) saying. Expect the best prepair for the worst. If you had him back would he do this again? Is it right that you and the kids be put thru this every now and again? Every hit you take saps your strength. Go to the corner when the bell goes and have a drink lol. Why is this like boxing? Dunno.

There is something missing from his life. Only he knows what it is and you cant give it to him. This is why people cheet and go off (sometimes). This is a situation where you are powerless to help. What you need to do is work on acceptance that its over. This usualy is a change for most people. Acceptance is the 1st step in a lot of steps up the mountain. The very good news is you are in a good place and we have all been there. We all hold hands and walk the rocky path together. Be strong. You will be fine in time. C.

Marshmellow, thank you for the post. It feels like a slap in the face to see it written down though.
You are right, there is something missing in his life and I haven't got a clue what that is. My son had missed his dad all week and then behaved really badly all weekend while he was here. Then the first thing he said to our neighbour when walking to school this morning was that daddy had gone away again. He is only six, its not good.
I need to think about whats best for me and the kids but I don't know what 'best' is. Is it better for them to see him or just to speak with him on the phone? I will try to have no contact directly until he can tell me what his plan is (but he is the worlds most indecisive person).
I am going to try and look forward and stop thinking about him and being so understanding all of the time and just keep focused on my little ones. Try anyway.

Sunshine10 wrote:
Marshmellow, thank you for the post. It feels like a slap in the face to see it written down though.
You are right, there is something missing in his life and I haven't got a clue what that is. My son had missed his dad all week and then behaved really badly all weekend while he was here. Then the first thing he said to our neighbour when walking to school this morning was that daddy had gone away again. He is only six, its not good.
I need to think about whats best for me and the kids but I don't know what 'best' is. Is it better for them to see him or just to speak with him on the phone? I will try to have no contact directly until he can tell me what his plan is (but he is the worlds most indecisive person).
I am going to try and look forward and stop thinking about him and being so understanding all of the time and just keep focused on my little ones. Try anyway.

Hi Sunshine. Thats good positive talk. You are saying the right things. The hard bit is put into practice what you preach. It is a slap in the face. Not just for you but the little ones as well. All this backward and forward will upset there lives and you are right you have to think of them. Often kids are dropped at parents grandparents for contact in the early days and that way you dont have to see him. The less you see of him right now the quicker the love drips away. Absence doesnt always make the heart grow fonder.

They need to have access to there father. Thats whats best for them. Until things settle down then expect them to play up when they return. Dont rubish him in front of them. It will backfire on you. But I guess you know that already. C