Hi All,

New relationships are for both men and women and my personal viewpoint is that honesty is by far the best policy.

Those of us coming from out of a long marriage tend to view a new relationship in terms of the old, we can't help it, until enough time has passed for that baggage to be lost.

A new relationship is NOT a substitute for the old one, we are NOT replacing the x/xtb - what we are doing is beginning the rest of our life. It is a new life, with new rules, new circumstances and within us, new strengths.

I wish every one here the courage, strength and patience to look at themselves as they are, not as a bit-part of an old relationship, but as an individual independent person, realising they are reborn and young again.

Yes, that's me!

Young again.

sera wrote

"It's like fishing, stick your rod out; throw the tiddlers back! But sooner or later you'll hook something worth smothering in butter and devouring!"


I love this quote sera made me smile.

Poppie

Poppie wrote:
I love this quote sera made me smile.


..forgot to add: Watch out for the sharks!

Or this: Life is a bed of Roses; but watch for the pricks.

Many thanks to every one of you for your views here, you each give me reason for thought. The widower has gone away on a pre-booked holiday with his children & grandchildren today for a week so i have some thinking time before i see him again. We went out lasst Friday and had a really good time, drinking & dancing & laughing all night. He kept telling me i made him feel alive again & that he was falling for me in a big way, he even said he was in love with me & wished he hadn't booked the holiday. I told him to slow down & just be my friend for now, that i didnt want to hurt anyone, but he just kept saying his emotions were running wild & he couldnt! I think this week should give him time to think too. I'm not saying hes not right for me, he could be, i'm just not into rushing into anything.
As for the ghosts of the wife? Oh i'm sure i will have to go through all of that, but i did know his wife for many years, she was a lovely woman & we got on, her death hit me hard too 2 years ago, so when he talks of her it makes me miss her a bit too. Strange isn't it? Time will tell i guess where we go from here, ive decided to take things a day at a time & just enjoy life the best i can, i hope he understands & does the same.
Still a little mixed up but not as bad as i was before reading your posts, so thanks again to all of you, so glad you're here, though wish you didnt have to be!!

cindygirl wrote:
He kept telling me i made him feel alive again & that he was falling for me in a big way, he even said he was in love with me & wished he hadn't booked the holiday. I told him to slow down & just be my friend for now

Cindy,

That is word for word where I was at with widower in Spring 2005. He was re-born; he wanted to marry; I held off and stayed friends for four months before we even kissed.... (he also had a holiday pre-booked; and could barely survive it without me!) and then we married; and now it's over.

I just hope you fare better than I did.

I'm just so glad that in trying to understand my own situation; (and put closure on it) that I'm also helping others.

I went out Saturday (meal with girlfriend) went to a pub with a Sinatra tribute night. Got asked to dance by tall, handsome American guy.(Friend encouraged me). It felt good to be held. He had good shoulders! It felt good to be appreiated. But it was just dancing and sociallising. No rush.

Sera, I'm so sorry to hear that it didnt work out for you. I know widows must find it hard to accept a new woman in their life after losing someone they loved a long time. Thats why i'm wary of this widow that wants me now. In fact he just rung me as i'm writing this message saying hes missing me & wishes i was there, i just laughed & said ok but you cant possibly miss me after 2 weeks of getting to know me! I'm not going to get emotionally involved with him, well, i will try not to cos ive a good chance of getting hurt again. I'm going to keep insisting that we stay friends & just enjoy each others company & dancing etc. I like the sound of the American guy lol in fact thats what i do all the time, go out & dance with good looking men then say goodbye, makes me feel alive but with no chance of getting hurt!
Thanks for your post, i appreciate all your advice here, you are all helping me through a very difficult time.

Cindy girl,
Thanks for all your support with my problem. You are always full of wise words.
Strange how similar our lives are. I too am childless having had a miscarriage during my 1st marriage.
The situation you have with your widower friend is similar to my situation as well except that I was the widowed one.
Looking back it was a very black time for all in my family. My 1st husband died aged 59 in 1995 after a short battle with cancer. I was 41. I was living in the north east and we had only been there for 18months.My parents had moved to the West country and I had friends in Whitby but not many.
With the death of my husband I also lost my job as I used to work with my husband in the pro's shop.

I gradually re-built my life and went to college to re-train.
The following year my brother in law died of multiple brain tumors leaving my sister widowed at 53.

My stbx was a member of the golf club where my late husband was pro, I had known him since arriving in the north east, his second wife had started an affair with the pro that had replaced my husband!!!

Anyway the upshot of the whole thing was that we started going out after I had been widowed about 18 months. Looking back I had misgivings from the start. He was self-obsessed and only ever talked about work or golf, he had no close friends at all and never showed any interest in my friends or life. I had got a good job as a PA but every weekend I was left with his two children while he went off to play golf then spent the afternoons asleep on my sofa in my house!!!
The next year my father died leaving my mum widowed, 3 widows in 3 years,all in the spring. (I still don't like daffodils) 6 weeks later married my stbx.

In hindsight I was still vulnerable and not thinking straight and still grieving for my late husband who I adored, and that is what (in a very long winded way) concerns me about your friend.He does sound lovely and kind but is he looking for a substitute for his wife or an entirely new relationship?

If I am honest I was naive and thought that my second marriage would be like my first and I don't think I thought about it long enough nor was it fair to my stbx.

Looking back I wish I had taken much longer to sort things out in my head. My mum told me recently that she and my dad were totally opposed to my marrying. But, even if she had told me I probably would have ignored her advice.

My sister has always loathed my stbx, to such an extent that we no longer speak, because I felt that if she couldn't accept him then I could not keep in touch with her.

Sorry to have rambled on so much, I just hoped maybe my experience would help.You have helped me so much with your advice.

I would say just have good fun with this man before any serious commitment and if he's got a spare friend throw him my way!! Only joking!!

Keep smiling
XXXXXX