Hi Cindygirl,
When we are still spinning and in a whirlwind of emotions it is understandable that we do not think straight.
If you felt it was right, I dont think you would have had to ask the question, but that is how things are when you are vulnerable.
My sister-in-law after her divorce met a widower, they had a few dates, he always spoke admirably of his late wife, she thought, what a nice man he must have loved her very much.
After about the fourth date it started to get on her nerves, but thought, oh well, this is not serious, just a bit of fun. After a few dates the inevitable happened and they went back to his for a meal, and a bit of owsafarver, as you do? It was romantic and a nice experience.
In the morning, when she awoke, she turned over and there staring at her from the bedside table was a picture of is late wife!!!!! She freaked and left very quickly. Of course the light had not been turned on the previous night.
Even when she tried to explain to him that she respected the fact that he loved his wife and that would never change, SHE was not happy to be a bereavement counseller, it was too much. He just could not undersand that.
Needless to say, they do not see each other now.
Sera was right, when a partner dies, and the marriage has been fantastic and they have been so much in love, it all becomes a different kind of grief, a harder one.
Divorce is nasty, sometimes acrimonious but, it is what that person wanted, NOT to be with their other half. That is another different type of grief.
So Cindy keep it light enjoy yourself.
PS I became attached to a 'right twat' after my divorce.
Oh with hindsight!!!!!!!
Good luck knock em bandy!!

zara

If the widower is still looking attractive; fair play. Just be aware of the potential time-bombs! At the second wivesclub.com (American) website they have a Wives of Widows thread. Good reading.

http://www.secondwivesclub.com/members/Wives_Of_Widowers

I also accepted a date with a man a few motnhs ago; (without knowing him also a widower!!) His second marriage also failed, the new wife couldn't live with his ghosts. I ran-for-the-hills and didn't wish to see him again. When he'd opened his wallet to buy dinner, there was a big picture of the sadly departed in the wallet window.

Just a view from a guy, if he is a good one, he will understand if you need to take things slowly.

Be straight with him, and it will come good.

Good luck

GM

Sera - you I cant keep up with but I wish I had your energy.

Zara - too funny - the learning here is check the bedside table BEFORE any funny business!

But Cindy

From the gist of your post I get the sense that you are being told this guy is a good prospect and fits in with your social circle's view of how to make the group nice and even again.

Anyone who has been through the paid of losing someone they love (whether its death or abandonment) should know we all need our own amount of time to feel comfortable with new relationships. And requests for big commitments are a bit full on for the war wounded.

I would just say be careful you arent being encouraged to settle for the 'reliable only one lady owner' model when deep down you see yourself driving something a little more sporty!

Have fun but dont sell yourself out to keep other people happy at this stage in life maybe its time to put your own happiness first.

Rasher

Hi.

The problem with stepkids is that they dont have a blood bond to the step parent. And usualy they favour the biological parent. Thats probably why they betrayed you and didnt tell you he was having an affair.

It could be yr ex wants you and his new GF. He has an established relationship with you and a new relationship with his new GF and he is finding it hard to let go becuase the new relationship is not established yet. He seems also to have feelings of self doubt becuase he says "I have messed my life up" He has messed is life up. Thats true.

You and this new man; I think you are both at different stages of the process. He is much further on than you. Its very common that people that are in a long term relationship want a replacement when the old one ends. You want the feelings of companionship, love, tenderness and so on that you once had. You also have feelings of betrayal and you want something good in yr life again. But if you are not over the old raltionship all you will do is drag baggage into the new relationship.

A good relationship is founded on solid rock. If you have issues with trust then it will be hard going to have a good foundation. Poor foundations lead to cracks and so on.

You also dont sound confident becuase you say "he will want more soon". If you was over it and your self asteam and confidence was in tact then you may be saying this. "I cant give you what you want right now" and be setting the bounderies for the relationship.

I am in exactly the same position as you. I am still not over my failed marriage entirely and I dont want another one until I am over it. I tried dating and it was a disaster. This is why I am advising you to wait.

I still walk in the shadows. I cant commit to anything or anyone and I have issues of trust. You may be the same. But I am getting help now. Its been a long time coming but its here now.

But we are all different. Some people can relationship hop and others cant. I found out to my cost that I cant.

If you like this man and you think he is right for you then ask him to wait for you. If he is anygood and he likes you as much as he seems to, he will wait for you.

In anycase what we need right now is friends. These friends as you have found out take you shopping and so on but there is no ties like a full blooded relationship. You can practice, make mistakes and get your self confidnce back with little risk.

Another problem for you and me is selecting the right person. Its very hard to find someone decent. This will be a good test for him. If he wont wait then you at least know he is not right for you. A decent person wont put presure on you and will wait for you. But at the end of the day its your life and you have to decide whats right for you. But I hope that it works out for you. All the best C
PS: Sorry for being hard with you.

determined wrote:
i still feel a bit in limbo until the divorce is finally settled.

i love seras response and perhaps she is right but we are all different and can't always deal with things in the same way. She did give me food for thought thou

Agreed with the 'limbo' bit. It's been more than a year (in a short term marriage) since husband decided he didn't want me anymore. I have my own set of needs and desires in life; and I'm a passionate person. I wish to be loved; and live in a mutually caring relationship again. Despite that I'm an independent, capable lady; I don't want to be a lone swan; I enjoy company and have a lot to give. Experiences are best shared, and I deserve happiness.

I've had no love from him since July 2007; but being in Limbo (not married - not divorced) means I am still his wife; still 'connected' and each day deal with the issues we have to face in order to divorce, sevre our ties and move on. Limbo is not a nice place to be stuck in....

...so I create times and areas where I am not 'stuck'. I do go out, I do meet people, I am asked out frequently; and if it's just drinks and social chat; then that's all I might want at this time.

My ex was a musician. Post seperation I was asked out by a trumpet p­layer­; weird thing is, we did go back to his place for coffee; (although I did make it quite clear that it would be 'just coffee') What was weird was he started conversations I'd only had in life with my husband; he started playing me CD's from his BlueNote Jazz collection (rare American label) and it was like deja-vu (like being in a parallel Universe) It was like watching a play; re-living what I'd shared with ex. Quite surreal, but it gave me hope that there'd be another time I'd enjoy that music.

New man did want me to stay (I went home) the next day I felt good just at having made myself do something, felt good about feeling wanted again, (I was appologetic thinking I'd put on weight; new man said he really liked my curves!)I don't know what I'd said that gave Determined 'food-for-thought' but I was trying to get across that if you believe in a new life, a new love, you will find it; and you can enjoy the seeking, done at your own pace. You don't have to rush anything.

It's like fishing, stick your rod out; throw the tiddlers back! But sooner or later you'll hook something worth smothering in butter and devouring!

Nothing ventured. Nothing gained.

I agree with ness as she said you should tell him! you should start a new relationship being totally honest otherwise I think you will set yourself up for prob later. If he is right for and he is a decent man (which Im sure he is) he should understand, he has lost someone he loved and had no control over losing her he has gone through such pain and if anyone should understand he should good luck take it at your own pace inc