I'm in the process of divorce after being with my stbx 16 years, he has led a double life with a younger woman for at least 15 months and has admitted adultery. I was really shocked, depressed, angry even suicidal at times. I guess you all understand how it felt. My stbx always denied his affair & continued to see me or ring me on a daily basis (I moved out & rented a house) and he still denied he has any feelings for her despite taking her & her kids away for the weekend to meet his grown up kids (that drove me nuts as i had been so good with my stepkids over the years, none of them told me their dad had another woman). Anyway, my stbx keeps saying hes messed his life up & cant get out of his situation etc etc and for months i waited for him to give her up, but he never has. So, last month i decided to start going out and making new friends to fill my loneliness, i have 2 really genuine male friends, no sex just friends that i have a laugh or a dance with when i go out (one took me out shopping for the day and it was great). Well, at a friends party 2 weeks ago i saw an old friend from the past, his wife died 2 years ago & he had been committed to her for around 30 years, i knew her too, lovely couple that many envied. Well, we chatted, danced, got on together for hours, found we had lots in common & eventually we kissed before heading off home, seperately. A week later i met him at the same friends party, we hit it off again and he walked me home, we kissed again then said goodnight. This man is 5 years older than i, by the way, not a young daft kid. Well, next day he dropped by and asked if it was ok to have a coffee? He told me he hadnt stopped thinking about me, that he never thought he could look at another woman after his wifes death until he talked to me. He asked for my mobile number and rings me daily for the past 5 days, he visited my home last night & we chatted for hours, him wanting to hold my hand all the while, which im not used to with my stbx, he wasnt romantic at all! Now heres my problem....all my family & friends think he is perfect for me in every way, and i know he will treat me right too, but i'm not sure i'm ready to go into a relationship right now. I still think of my ex and hes still trying to keep in my life, surely i should be at the point where i get my ex out of my system before starting a new life with someone else? Or will this man help me to get over him quicker? The last thing i want to do is end up hurting him as he's been through enough with his wifes death. I have told him i prefer him as a friend but its obvious he wants more than that soon, hes even asked if i would go away with him for a long weekend.
Any advice much appreciated, i'm not sure i'm thinking straight right now.

Hi Cindy

I think that you need to be honest, tell him exactly what you have said on here. Any man worth his salt will understand and allow you the time you obviously need, you would not be asking the question if you didn't

It would be so sad for either of you to be hurt again.

Sometimes time apart from people helps us to really find our true feelings, maybe that would help with you and your stbx - ask him not to contact you for a period of time and see how you both feel.

Hope this helps a little - the old friend sounds like a lovely man - but fools rush in.

You take care.

Ness

Thank you Ness, you're right, i need to talk to him and be honest, though he does know im in the process of divorce & how hurt ive been from hubbys affair. I told him 2 weeks ago that im not ready for a serious relationship & he said thats fine, hes willing to just be friends & see where it goes, but my best friend (his sister-in-law) says she can see he is falling for me in a big way. I didn't plan for that to happen so fast. Half of me says just let it happen as i do like him, the other half is afraid of me not feeling the same & hurting him. Hes a genuine guy with a lot of love to give, a lot like me but i'm still mixed up and going through major changes in my life. I do understand about the fools rush in......its something i rarely do in life, i'm too cautious at times. I will keep you updated & many thanks again Ness.

Cindy,

Please take your time and don't rush into anything. You are still dealing with your own feelings and it would be unfair to start a serious relationship until you are ready. Only you will know when that is.

Your friend sounds really caring so he will understand if you tell him what you have told us. If his feelings for you are genuine then I am sure he will be happy to wait until you are ready. Hope things work out well for you Cindy.

Poppie

I too am in a similar position. My divorce is going thru - decre nisi granted. I have found a man that I love being with, cares for me and we have great fun. He keeps going on about our future and how we will be great together. I do think we have a future, but it does scare me a little after having been with the same man - my stbx for 23 yrs. I think I love this new man - I was a litte cautious but then decided that life is too short. I want to be happy, he makes me happy - so go for it and see what happens in the future. Good luck x

The way I look at things now is that you only have one life. Yes tell him you'd like to take things slowly, and if he really does care for you he will. I'd say go for it, it might not last forever, but you can't be hurt more than you have been, why not grab a little happiness where you can. It might last for a month, it might be forever, either way enjoy, you're a long time dead!

Good luck

Mad x

cindygirl wrote:
Any advice much appreciated, i'm not sure i'm thinking straight right now.

Hi Cindy,
I'm on Divorce No: Two; and can say that unless you're 98 or so; I think you should allow yourself to be open to options of a new life. Your world will be your oyster once you're out there! We all deserve to be loved up and happy. Right now though, it would be best to get the emotioanl and financial closure you need before taking any drastic steps.

You're in recovery. Give it time to heal.

The fact that two men are already interested; means many others' will be also, you do not have to wonder (at this point) if Mr Widower is the next man in your life. (Take it from me - I married a widower; they have the worst-case-scenario problems of all men!) Before being on wiki, I used an American site for Wives of Widowers. Very complicated stuff. Our new marriage did not survive that. He doesn't even know who he's divorcing, took to calling me by his late-wifes name; and blaming me for stuff she did (everything from painting the walls "f*cking Orange"! to blaming me for her (our) Inherited unpaid debts.

On hindsight, it was obviously too soon for him, and I'm left a victim of that. I'd tread carefully with him. Don't allow him to use you as his bereavement counsellor. Don't bring her on dates with you. Don't allow her firends to treat your new relationship as a betrayal of her memory.I doubt right now you are strong enough to handle having a relationship with a man; and the ever-present angel on her pedestal that will tower over from above. The truest words my ex said was "I wish we could be without her in the wings"

But why not just be honest to him; state that you're not ready to move in to a new relationship. If he's genuine, he'll wait. If he's just a sad bloke trying to fill a void; then you could be anyone, and maybe he's homing in on you because right now you're 'available'. These things take time. What's his rush?

Some of the best friendships are non-sexual. Start to enjoy your single life. Start to explore a new you. Start to date again. If you're honest with men, they should understand and respect that you're not yet ready to be tied down again.

It's now 13 months since ex said he wanted a divorce; an old friend re-appeared and said "you married the wrong bloke Sera, divorce that sad tosser; and marry me"!

(Sorry sweetie: the lady's still Window Shopping!)

Ex boyfie re-appeared. Hmmm.... options: what's a girl to do!?

Went out: saw band; dated Trumpet p­layer­...hmmm.. maybe. Maybe not.

Dated Artist... he called again, I was 'busy'. When I'm not busy, I'll let him know.

I recognise that as a 'good woman' and a woman of good moral standing, I'm quite a rare species. I'm out tomorrow with a single American girl... not sure where yet, but we're OUT. Not out to sleep around, not out to drink ourselves stupid. But out of the Divorce Hell and looking to a bright new future! Just say "excuse me gentlemen" as you walk past the line that is growing outside your door. Keep your options open. Be single for a while and have fun.


Sera
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