topaz

Wouldnt it be good if all these dreadful, selfish ex's of ours could meet up and date each other and destroy each other.

I really feel for any man that my ex gets her claws in to, she will reel him in then, alienate him from his family and friends, then just walk away when she is pregnant again and spend the rest of her life living off someone else's hard earned cash. Then blame it all on him and not let him see the child, knowing she has the law on her side.

These scumbags really really do deserve each other.

Well I think that findingmyself is right. Having looked into this I think that forgiveness is all about healing you. If you can get to the point that you can say that it is done and over and you dont wake up bitter every day then you can forgive them. It doesnt mean that what they did was right and that you condone it, simply that it is behind you.

Unfortunately for me, I am just not there yet and I don't know how to work on it. 21 months down the line and sometimes the hurt is just as fresh as day one i just handle it better (less tears, less anger.) I think the problem lies in the fact that I get no communication from him and he knows how effective this is. I have no idea how he feels and so can only imagine that he is happy/happier. He said when he left that he had been unhappy for a number of years! who knew? not me. He said he was happier than he had been in years when he left! Of course he was, He had systematically ditched all his responsibilities and could now see his new girlie as much as he chose.So here I am imagining that he is happier after causing all that pain. Happier even though he cannot share his childrens lives as he did before, happier even though he has lost his home and his car, happier even though he put a knife through my heart which never seems to dislodge. I can't accept that....It just cannot be right, it cannot be fair, and if I cannot accept even that? then how can I begin on forgiving and healing myself?

The crucial question? How do you work on being emotionally independent of them, Shez how does it happen that they become just another person on this planet? Little blue, do you think that would start when we knew they had all got together and destroyed each other? If we knew they were unhappy, miserable? would it be more acceptable then?

all of you, this is SO hard, so relentlessly unbearably totally hard!

Hi Adele, i'm not sure we need to forgive to move on, i think we need to accept in order to do that. Once we've accepted that the partner has gone we can rebuild our lives & maybe in time to come we will forgive them, maybe we won't. It doesnt matter if we do or we don't, we just need to nurture ourselves & heal the hurt they gave us.
Maybe a little counselling is needed if you find it hard to accept after a year or so has passed? I think if i feel the same next year I will seek counselling myself, but i feel i'm going forward at the moment & dealing with it all & accepting what happened.
I can understand your anger at him with the way he treats the kids though, he is very very selfish & doesnt deserve to be a father. I'm not sure he will be happier right now, maybe no woman can ever make him happy & give him what he wants in life, some men are like that! They keep moving on to other partners seeking happiness before they realise that they have to work on themselves first!
Keep posting, we are here for you,
Cindy

Hello Adele
You cannot force these feelings; they will come of their own accord when the conditions are right. All you can do is to try to make the right conditions happen.

I'm interested that you say he does not communicate and so you imagine he is happier. That's the trouble...we imagine all sorts. We put ourselves in their shoes and think " If I did that, I would have to be feeling this" It doesn't mean that it is that way for them though. Maybe they are no happier; my stbx wouldn't want me to know that though!

It hurts me to think that my stbx might have the relationship I wanted us to share with someone else. But that's not the truth of the situation either...he can never have that with someone else. And the relationship he does have...well maybe I wouldn't want that for myself. A lot of what we are grieving for is illusion,and would never have been the reality even without the effect of betrayal and anger. Even the times when I thought we were happy were in many ways not what I thought they were; it was just my view.There were sides to him I just didn't or couldn't see ; it was only a trick of the light.

Does this mean I condone the lies and betrayal, or understand the choices he made? No, I almost certainly never will. But am I starting to let it go? ...some days.

The up side to this is that the essence of your dreams, where you placed your partner, can often still be part of your future, but how and with whom you share it with will change.

finding xx

Do people who walk out on their marriages, especially those where the other partner genuinely had no idea there was a problem. This scenario seems to be getting more common. One partner bottlingit all up and then leaving.

I reckon a heartfelt apology and recognition of the hurt caused would go a long way.

Do these people genuinely believe that whatever their partner may have done within the marriage it was ever as bad as leaving spouse and children.

Do these people genuinely believe that whatever their partner may have done within the marriage it was ever as bad as leaving spouse and children.

Yes they do.......they rationalise and justify their actions by making themselves believe that us innocent parties 'deserved' it for our behaviour. Maybe they do this out of guilt. My 'crime' was to give her insufficient attention during her pregnancy, despite the fact I was very ill

I can find no other explanation for why my wife walked out on me, my 9 year old and left our 9 month old with a broken home.

She thinks she has done no wrong, gives the nonsense about not being happy for 'years' - so why ask me for a child 18 months ago! The truth is more that she was excited by the chance of an affair, and now that has screwed so many lives up. Will she ever admit the truth? Never.

We have to accept our exes aren't the people we want them to be or thought they were. They have changed forever, and we should realise we are better off without them if they are capable of such callous and selfish behaviour.

Lickily I have reached the point of acceptance and am at the 'good riddance' stage and I am happy, and I hope you all find that feeling in time.

I don't necessarily think my ex is happy, she MUST have guilt, but she will never show it to me or admit it. I am sure she will on to cheat on others in her search for happiness.

All I know is that I can put my head on the pillow and sleep without any guilt for my children every night. The same can't be said for her.

Just don't expect an apology or for them to hold their hands up and accept they have done wrong - in their own minds they have done the right thing, however twisted that may sound to us.

Well said Littleblue.

When you come to move on to new relationships how are you going to evaluate them? Will you just take the risk?

So many of these marriage breakdowns seem to happen with one partner not knowing there was a problem. My daughters husband gave a catalogue of reasons amongst them "she didn't iron his shirts", " she didn't do enough housework" and "she didn't earn enough whilst working"!! Actually we think the problem was he couldn't cope when they failed to conceive a second child. Anyway I can never see him apologising and at the moment he is being a big bully over contact and finance.

Even if you do come to accept how on earth do you learn to trust someone ever again.