Forgiveness is such a big word and in my current state of mind, impossible. Is acceptance the same thing? In other words if we accept that somebody is the way that they are, have we forgiven them?

I desperately want to "accept" and move on- My STBX is not hurting - He has just come back off holiday with his girlfriend (14 years his junior)and yet I am still hurting. I want it to STOP. Is that just up to me to accept? He is certainly not going to change.

He took this holiday without telling me or the children, dropping his regular access day (just one day a week) and despite the fact that he regularly turns down access on the grounds that he cant get the time off work. He also regularly moans that he has no money. He is not taking the children on holiday this year on the grounds he has no holiday left and no money! How can I accept that???

Adele

This, in my opinion, is one of the toughest things about divorce. I know exactly how you feel.

One of the things I did when I found out about my ex2b's affair was make a list of her "rules" which made me realise what I had put up with and also realise that I was much better off without her. I also realise that the bloke she had the affair with and is now living with is going to have to put up with so much crap in the future - leopards never change there spots!

This helped me get to the acceptance stage and then move further on.

On the forgiveness side, we still haven't agreed the finances yet, so there is some way before I am at closure and can start the forgiveness part. I'm sure I will be able to as my life is much better without her but the time isn't right yet.

I hope this helps

Mon

Thanks Mon, it helps to know that you are not alone and I guess that is why wiki is so great.

I find it never helps me to think about him, his new life (great holidays, girlfriend, young and pretty) and I keep hoping that I can focus more on me and accept the status quo- it is over, life is not the same- I can make it better, but you know as much as I want to accept I want to make it better I just can't. Am I destined to be bitter forever?

Adele,

You will no when you find forgiveness in your heart - it is when you come to realise that he cannot hurt you anymore and you feel at peace - sorry if that sounds a pipedream - but it is worth striving for (I will let you no if I ever get there myself).

Dadsrus

Hi Adele

Im in the same situation, yes i accept but will never forgive. I never will. To be treated in that way, where they say, oh hello, new woman, goodbye old, we have a new life, get on with yours, like you are a robot, well, sorry no, it will be with me for ever, I am sure. But I agree with Mon, she just took the c**p out of my life, and did me a favour, I can do what i want, when i want, and have an inner peace. But no i do not want to forgive him, why should I? It is not doing me any harm. I think to forgive him would be like giving him my permission. And i think to never have contact with him puts me in control. He wanted to go off with someone else and still be friends, DONT THINK SO!!!!!!!!!


Rambling a bit but thats how I feel.

Joy

I think acceptance is something we ought to achieve, work on it for our sake. Fogetting? Never. Forgiving? If its genuine I think this either comes or not, like when you are truly happy again (or happier), you cant sit down and say: Okay, it still hurts like hell but i forgive you .
Plus I think for forgivness I need true (not for the sake of judge or out of self pity because he realised what kind of sh** he made out of his life) apology for what he has done to me and the kids.Maybe then. But its still certainly too early for me

Joy Im insame situation and couldn't agree with you more.

Whatnow.