Hi all,
I think the problem here is that there are two totally different aspects.
Firstly, if you decide to end a marriage, have an affair, you have had time to adjust, it still might hurt, but you have had time to adjust. You have had time to make plans, it is what you want to do. This decision is yours alone, it is not disucssed with the husband/wife. They have no knowledge of your thoughts, completely unaware. The party that wishes to end the marriage has, for the want of another word, the upper hand in the emotional stakes. And have had time to climb up the emotional ladder a bit.

Secondly, the husband/wife that has been delivered the bad news, totally unaware, has no time at all to adjust to the situation. Completely no control over the situation whatsoever, they are losing their marriage, their h/w and there is nothing they can do about it. They are well below the bottom rung of the ladder.

Two people that have been together, sometimes for a long time, now do not know each other any more.
The person left behind has to suffer so many emotions and humiliation. Especially if there has been another person involved. Divorce it a totally different emotional plain for the 'leaver and the left'.
I can understand the side 'being left' and it still hits home now, that feeling I had 10years ago. It does not leave you. Betrayed, lied to. It hurts.
Zara

Hi all
I think there is no dispute that those who are left are hurt, feel betrayed and a whole host of other emotions. But those that leave have emotions too and because we cant possibly know the whole situation we cant judge.

I notice Em hasnt posted for a while. I hope she will come back.

Best wishes and no hard feelings to all.

Tinny

Sun 13 wrote:
I don't really want to say too much here, as I too am on the receiving end and would probably not be very helpful. But I would like to say that I have found the lies very difficult to deal with, very hurtful and one of the worst and more unfogiveable aspects of this whole sorry, sleazy situation. I would much rather know the hurtful truth than find out the lie anyway, and then find out that I have been lied to as well as cheated on.

Just my opinion

I know your a reasonable guy sun and ive read your posts before.

Just wanted to clarify........Ive only begun lying SINCE I began seeing another man and this happened AFTER we agreed to separate. Im not a stereotypical lying cheating wife whos keeping some sordid sleezy secret behind my husbands back and making out like nothings happening day to day.

Templar wrote:
Not at all! You 2 guys should try being a little more ­object­ive and stop putting yourself in the situation! This isn't your ex and she isn't leaving (cheating??)on you! It's another wiki user who is seeking support and advice. What she doesn't need is people being harsh and yes - judgemental! You have know idea what she's been through or how she finds herself here - it isn't that black and white - life isn't that simple. If you stopped projecting yourself into other peole's situations you wouldn't 'feel' it and take it so personally. It just might be that she's been starved of love for so long and is bowled over at finding someone new and that her stbx is a selfish guy who will spend years regretting his inaction - we dont know!!! So lets not judge.

Sun 13 wrote:I don't really want to say too much here, as I too am on the receiving end and would probably not be very helpful. But I would like to say that I have found the lies very difficult to deal with, very hurtful and one of the worst and more unfogiveable aspects of this whole sorry, sleazy situation. I would much rather know the hurtful truth than find out the lie anyway, and then find out that I have been lied to as well as cheated on.

Just my opinion

Fair comment Templar. I don't think I was being harsh or judgemental tho - I would hope not. The sorry, sleazy situation I was referring to was my own, and I was just trying to make the point that lying to cover things up might not actually be a helpful course of action in the end.

Petrof wrote:
This might sound a little simplistic, but isn't this "discussion" a piece of evidence of how these two "ends of a similar situation, the receiving end and the cheating, lying end" are really not compatible and their relationships/marriages were doomed from the beginning anyway, because they did not agree on the most fundamental aspect of a relationship - honesty and trust?

Petrof

Petrof, please dont put me in the 'lying cheating' box, its really not like that at all. We had honesty and trust for a good many years, I was walked all over like a doormat, used as a cleaner, cook and mother to his children for a long time almost like a servant with absolutely no emotional support, friendship or love. I stuck by him, tied to work it all out and was faithful the whole time even though for the last 6 years there was no sex at all, not even a tap on the bottom and a wink...I was ignored. As I said before I called a halt to the whole thing and since the divorce and separation have been underway I have seen other men, I dont think you would blame me if the shoe was on the other foot?

Guys and Girls,

You all making very valid points from both sides of the emotional fence. However, I do feel that we are missing a huge point here.

What is Wikivorce? 'The Divorce Support Community'

Divorce: a judicial declaration dissolving a marriage in whole or in part, esp. one that releases the husband and wife from all matrimonial obligationsSupport: a person or thing that gives aid or assistanceCommunity: a social, religious, occupational, or other group sharing common characteristics or interests and perceived or perceiving itself as distinct in some respect from the larger society within which it exists
Hindsight is 20:20 vision. Sadly we don't get the benefit until after the event we were trying to avoid has happened.

Draw a mental line in the sand. To the left of the line is the past, which cannot be changed. It can be learned from, reacted to, but it cannot be changed. To the right of the line is the future. That CAN be moulded, influenced, directed, chosen.

Users here are looking for SUPPORT, as distinct from OPINIONa judgment or estimate of a person or thing with respect to character, merit, etc.
We all hurt, for a variety of reasons and to varying degrees. THere is no black and white in separation and divorce. Just a multitude of shades of grey. We all arrrive here at different stages, for different reasons, and from different places. So let us all try to help each other to leave here feeling better about our lot and our future.

Mike

Phew Mike!!

Why cant I express myself like that. That makes complete sense to me.

Tinny