Just feeling like my brain is completely overloaded at the moment.....

I decided after 19 yrs 2 young children that Id had enough, decree Nisi is on the way, hes not contesting but desperately doesnt want a divorce. We continue to live together but separated which is HARD. I have some good support but I still feel so alone.

There is another man in my life (although not entirely the reason for the divorce),stbx doesnt really know the extent to which we have become close although hes aware of his existence and suspects I either have been seeing him or am still seeing him, hes not sure.

So much stuff is going round in my head......
1. The grief for the happy relationship we once had, coming to terms with the fact that its over and that constant niggling doubt that maybe Im doing the wrong thing. I look at my boys and it breaks my heart but I have to think of my and their future happiness so I try and keep focused. Would be so much easier to just jog along in this marriage but at the end of the day that would be a declaration that my life is over.

2. The effort it takes to see the love of my life, wanting to spend more time together and the worry about the transition from my life as it is now to a life with him and my 2 children. It scares me that one day I will have to introduce my two lives to each other and the consequences that will bring with my stbx looking on in amazement at what Im doing.

3. Where Im going to live.....I hate the living situation Im in now and if it were up to me Id of moved out with the boys months ago but sol says stay put and so I do and feel guilty that I leave the children with my stbx of an evening so I can see the man that has become so important to me and that I feel like I cant live without. My little piece of heaven, my calm, my solace. The person that makes everything alright....

4. Money. I have this dreadful form E to fill out and now that I have my pension details I have no excuse for putting it off. I really dont want to disclose my bank statements. He will be able to see exactly where Ive been and what Ive spent my money on. Im dreading it.

5. The lies.....I Iie to my stbx, my parents and omit details during conversations with friends because of the life I lead. So Im not judged, I dont tend to tell people who Im with or where I go or I plain lie. stbx took a holiday recently with the children (was supposed to be a family thing but it didnt seem appropriate that I go), I spent 2 wks missing my boys but also 2 wks of bliss in the arms of someone who completely adores me, something I havnt had for almost 15 years. I even took off on holiday with him, ironicaly to the same spanish island that my stbx had gone to (was the only cheapy holiday we could find). I had an amazing time but was also riddled with guilt and the texts from stbx were thick and fast telling me how much he loved and missed me....Its all crazy!

6. I hate what Ive done to stbx, hes in bits. I dont hate him, I just dont love him and over the years I feel like hes neglected me in so many ways, I just cant get the old feelings back. Theyre gone. We have to part and its going to be so hard, I just want it over and done with. I feel like every day is torture.

7. I just long for someone to love me and for my children to be happy. My lifes in so much limbo and its a nightmare. I remind myself over and over that I have a right to be happy but deep down inside I feel like homewrecker, selfish and a bad mother.

Wish I could start it all again.......

So your married, your husband is sending you texts to say how much he loves you and your having an affair.

Most of the confusion you feel comes from you starting an affair rather than trying to rekindle what you once had with your husband.

Is the new bloke so good? or just an escape and a fantasy?

Is your relationship with your husband not worth fighting for?


I'm not going to say much else as it's more confusing being on the other side and finding out that your other half has had an affair.

I wish you well and I also hope your husband finds Wiki so we can help him in the future.

Phoenix1

Phoenix 1
No, Im in the process of a divorce after a married life of great unhappiness. Im not having 'an affair' in the context you suggest, my marriage was well and truly over and the divorce underway before I even met the other man.

Yes the 'new bloke' is so good!

No my relationship with my husband is not worth fighting for anymore, I fought to make it better for 15 years to no avail, he still ignored me when I spoke, turned over in bed and never asked me about anything he may find vaguely interesting about me. Im afraid any efforts he makes now are futile.

Dont be bitter Phoenix1 and please try and be careful what you say to people on here, Im a tough cookie, but others, already feeling hurt and sensitive may not take your words so well. Thankfully and hopefully I will find someone on here with words of comfort and not the disapproval I got from you .

I on the other hand wish you luck in coming to terms with your situation, should you ever need advice from someone on the 'other side'. Dont hestitate

Wish I could start it all again.......
So what would you do differently?

Like phoenix, I am the dumped one. But with a lot of hindsight and self-examination, I have concluded that my marriage was unsustainable. If she changed her mind tomorrow, I could not go back to what was before. It took me a while to get there, and a lot of painful self-honesty.

My concern for you em is that you have a rose tinted view of the new relationship and what it might be, but without having dealt with the ramifications and issues of the old one. I am not just talking form 'e' and where you are living, but the 'real' em7609.

What do you really want from life?

Sometimes, because we are dissatisfied or unhappy with our life, we have an aspiration to a life so different from our current one that we convince ourselves that what we seek will make us truly happy.

The last 18 months since my split for me have been a very reflective time and I have to say that even now I am unclear on what I want from life, other than happiness for my children and satisfaction in knowing I did my best by them.

I wonder if you need to spend some reflective time to decide what it is you really want from life, and to heal the rifts that this relationship breakdown has caused you within yourself and with your family and friends.

If the new man is worthy, he would respect that and sit quietly on the sidelines, waiting until you were truly ready. That new love interest is exciting, thrilling, exhilerating, but sadly, likely to be short lived.

Look to the longer term em, you will thank yourself later, as will your kids.

Mike

you are further forward than I am, I am also in limbo,I also feel so guilty about splitting up my family. I know that I could also stay in my marraige as my husband would have me back in an instant, but like you I know I am doing the right thing.
I am sure by writing this thread that you feel a lot better, sharing the truth with others.
You will be judged by your actions,but only you can decide how you deal with it.
I hear a lot of my story in your thread, I wish I had all the answers.
sorry not much help, but wish you well. x

Hi em,

We continue to live together but separated which is HARD

I know it's hard I'm doing the same in my situation, and have to until our property sells. Is your property on the market?

The grief for the happy relationship we once had, coming to terms with the fact that its over and that constant niggling doubt that maybe Im doing the wrong thing

Same here, full of doubt and grief for happier times. I have detested myself for hurting my husband. Even though he is not showing it I know he is hurting. Just like you I sometimes want to put my arms round him and just stay, but I know ultimately that is not fair to either of us. I constantly have to remind myself of the reasons I came to this decision to enable me to keep going.

Regarding your new man, if all your friends and family know that you have reached the nisi stage would it be so bad to mention him casually to them? Obviously, you will have to tread cautiously with your children, but adults should be able to handle it. If you were my close friend I wouldn't judge you.

I just want it over and done with

Again same here, but I remind myself "we can't always have what we want, when we want it"

inside I feel like homewrecker, selfish and a bad mother

Firstly, there is nothing selfish about admitting you no longer have feelings for someone. It's just being realistic, as to being a homewrecker well you haven't wrecked somebody else's home ( I am assuming that) You haven't wrecked your own home, you have just changed the situation. A home is more than just bricks and mortar.

As for being a bad mother: you are clearly not. One day your children will leave to be with their own partners, and if you stay in what is clearly an unhappy marriage you are cheating yourself of a more fulfilled and happy life. All children prefer the family to be their mum and dad and them, it's all they have ever known. But they will adapt in time.

You are probably consumed with guilt right now, all decent people have a desire to make other people happy. When we hurt them we hurt ourselves and boy does it hurt.

I know it seems like torture having to stay but you don't appear to have a choice at the moment. I too wish I could just go for both our sakes but I have to be here.

Luckily, my stbx seems to have accepted the situation and is out and about getting on with his life. Your stbx will adapt in time. Give him space and try to help him without becoming emotionally involved. He is so confused and sad right now. But remember, he will come to terms with it.

We're all always here for you on WIKI

XXX Fleur XXX

Em I think Mike has put what I was trying to say much better.

''There is another man in my life (although not entirely the reason for the divorce)''

These are your words Em, so reading them suggests that an affair is taking place.

I don't know your whole story leading to where you are now so I apologise but I strongly believe that no one should start a new relationship until the old one has ended.

Take Care

Phoenix1