Hi Sadiemay,

all our bills are in my exs name as well but it was nearly always me who paid them.
I think that you need to reevaluate your position. It looks that during your marriage he somehow made you think that you and your contributions are not worth anything. You now feel that you have no right to ask for anything. I felt very similar and still occassionally do (although my circustances are different - 2 children, long marriage...). The more I read posts on this site, the more confident I am about asking for what I and our children are en­title­d to.
He seems to be treating you like a commodity whose value can be determined in money and material possesions, not like a human being, and that is horrible. Be careful and don't do anything without legal advice, also reading the posts on this site help a lot - lots of knowledge and exprerience here!!!
Petrof

Hi Sera and Petrof,

Many thanks for taking the time to reply to me.

Its a sad fact but its actually dawning on me that maybe my husband is juding whether to stay with me ­base­d on a monetary material value he's pinning on me instead of the wife and human being I am To be honest this does not suprise me...not anymore. I see how my husband is becoming more and more like his father who is shrewd and calculating with every action he performs, in both a business and personal sense.

I have always said to him that it's his house and his posessions and I respect that and I wouldnt try to take from him what isnt rightfully and legally within my rights. In the heat of argument's he has said the only thing I would ever walk away with from this marraige is a legally binding "invoice" for living in his house with all bills paid for past 4 years. I really dont know if he can do that or maybe my living costs for during of our co-habiting will be taken into consideration in any settlement.

Right now I feel cheap, a begger and gold digger if I decide to fight him for something to help me re-build my life should we divorce.

In case anyone is wondering the reason I dont pay towards any household bills is because he always said I didnt need to as I have a horse which I have had for 17 years (so she is very much loved and part of my life till the day she dies) and her upkeep costs me several hundred pounds a month, so effectively the money she costs me to keep is what I would put towards bills ect IF I didnt have my horse. Hence I only contribute as much as I can in the way of food shopping per month. I am worried sick that my beloved horse might make a difference to any settlement. I mean the courts may decide she is a "luxury" as such and I should sell her in order to support myself I could never do that, she is old now with no monetary value and she depends on me to give her a home for the rest of her life, as I promised to her the day I rescued her.

This all just feels so surreal. We are "supposed" to be working to save our marraige right now but here am I secretly investigating a possible divorce behind his back And in reality I am treading on eggshells at home and trying to become the wife he wants whilst he does nothing as its all my fault we are in this situation according to him and for him to change I need to change first There in itself tells me its doomed if I am honest as in my humble opinion we should be pulling together as a team to survive this and get through the other side. Or is he right ? and it could work his way that if I change to be the wife he wants then in turn he can be the husband I want ? Arrrghhhh so confused right now

Enough of my rambling, thanks again for taking time to reply to me.

Sadiemay
x

Hi Sadiemay

Just to add to some of the comments here . From reading this thread your stbx sounds like an extremely controlling man who is trying his utmost to scare you ( to save his precious money)
What I have discovered through this site is that what went on during a marriage ie who paid for what , who did this or that , is mostly irrelevant , you were a partnership and how you chose to live your lives was up to you. You dont have to feel guilty or justify your actions or feel you somehow didnt contribute fully .
I would guess from your post that he is trying to scare you into thinking you could have to pay him!! and then if he offers you anything at all you would be grateful!
Keep posting here to get a reality check before you agree to anything
take care

Agree with Shinyhappypeople,

I think it is his way of controlling you and the situation. I find this attitude is really icy cold.
And re his father, apparently the older we get the more we do become like our parents, so if you see similarity between him and his father, it is not surprising.
Take care
Petrof