Shepherd
that makes me sad and reflect too, My kids dad dosent bother with them t breaks my heart and its so evident the amount of proper dads out there , why oh why is my x2b such a bum steer creature
I wonder if its easier emotionally for him to have cut himself off, my kids are my world yeh they drive me crackers
but what i came on to say is that my x2b took kids away to hk in august(last time he saw them) and i was getting texts similar to that at all hours hed dumped them with his parents servents and was off wheeling and dealing OUR marital assets
they where so far away i was demented and tormented
my kids are however happy and stable god knows how but ive kept it together and pulled it off...its so hard
looby

Mush,

You are quite correct, I put down my story as a warning to either party who is considering leaving the marital home (where children are involved) to be prepared for the emotional onslaught which lies waiting ahead. I remember the first evening staying in my new house alone very well, I'll never ever forget it. I packed away the last item of clothing in the wardrobe, laid on my bed and thought to myself, what have I done. I couldn't STAND the fact that I could no longer live with my children, I couldn't give them a good night kiss and cuddle, there would be no more waving Daddy off to work in the morning, no hugs and kisses waiting for me when Daddy gets home from from work. I've had to wave goodbye to it all and all because of my xw2b. I was a happily married guy with a beautiful family whom I worked my fingers to the bone for and this is how I've been repaid.

Thankfully about 7 months on I'm now getting through it all but I won't deny I've been to that very dark place which I'm sure a lot of us know about, several times as well. My children however ground me, I only have to think about them and life becomes bearable once again. One of my greatest fears when I first moved out of the FMH was that my children wouldn't need me anymore, that they would become complacent with their 'new' Daddy, I was terrified that I would become surplus to requirements. From experience and continually keeping up contact with my girls, this has taught me that its not the case. My daughters KNOW who there Daddy is, but I'm not so sure this would be the case with children a little younger than my own. Would they automatically become attached to a 'new' Daddy because they're too young to know any different, especially if the mother encourages them. Who knows.

Anyway, the irony here is that I mentioned in my previous post that I moved out the house because I didn't want disruption in my daughters lives, I did this because my wife threatened to move and take the children with them. Well guess what?, my prediction is the house is going to end up being either sold or re-possessed anyway, because my xw2b cannot afford to keep running it and even though she's got my younger replacement living there now who should be contributing to the upkeep, my xw2b is still ringing me up to lend her money.

So you see, my reasons for moving out were for the children so they kept there home, but its looking highly likely that they'll loose it anyway.

Perhaps, if I hadn't moved out, things would have been very different. Hindsight is a wonderful things isn't it.

Mr A .. I realise its sounds like I've waffled on about what's happened to me in what is your subject and yes I realise I can go on and on HOWEVER, this is my experience and it is very real. If you leave your marital home and your child through no choice of your own, please be prepared for the emotional roller-coaster which is waiting around the corner for you. Make sure you have all your friends and family on call because if its anything like my experience you're going to need them.

I honestly hope it doesn't come to that and the best outcome would be that you can build bridges with your wife. I think if I had to do this all over again, I would infact choose to stay in the marital home.

It would be nice to hear from you again Mr A, see how your getting on.



Best Regards,
Shepherd.

Hi Looby.

I can't begin to imagine the mental torture this did to you. My children are only five minutes away in the car and when I speak to my daughter late at night when she's missing her Daddy, it makes me just want to go round there and get her.

Its possible I suppose that your xtb can't handle the fact he doesn't live with them, or perhaps he's just not bothered about seeing them. Who knows. I know one thing, I realise this is psychological but I have to drop my children off as opposed to my xw2b collecting them, because (and this will sound mad) I can't bear to watch and wave to them whilst they're being driven away. Dropping them off at my xw2b's does not get any easier either I can tell you and I've been doing it for 7 months now, no in fact 8 months. I've often driven off down the street with tears in my eye, heading back to my silent home.

I'm so please your children are stable and happy with you, its certainly no easy thing bringing them up especially going through a split.

Take care Looby.

Best Regards,
Shepherd.

My heart goes out to all those affected by a family break-up. The losers always seem to be the children.

There is no one correct solution and hindsight is also subjective. Even if you had stayed put Shepherd, it would have just meant problems of a different sort would have happened. Don't beat yourself up about, you did what you thought best at the time and you should not fault yourself for that.

The only thing I would suggest, if you haven't considered it already, is to talk with your x that although you and she are no longer in a married relationship, this does not alter the fact that the children are both her's and your's and need the both of you. You both still have a parenting relationship which doesn't rely on the two of you having to like or even agree with each other, just as long as you and your x's personal differences are not dragged into your respective relationship with the children.

I have noticed an increase in swearing and deterioration in the behaviour of my children since I left. This may be due just to natural adolesence but I feel my continued presence would have reinforced the boundaries set by my sxtb. It's not a disaster, but it is not nice.

It may have been better had I stayed, but frankly I doubt it. Leaving the FMH was the least worst solution available to me and whilst it does bring problems with it, at least now I have a chance to develop a relationship with my children in my own right as their father and not as a disposable item of their mother's.

Shepherd, Vail and all the others on this thread i'm so glad that this debate has shown that there are two sides to every argument and i would suggest that any person reading this page goes back to the beginning as reads the whole lot. It appears that those whom have moved out when its been the ex that has wronged them have become worse off and the children have also not benefitted as the person leaving may have thought. In Mr A's case it seems the same as Shepherds where the house will probably have to be sold anyway. It would be good to hear Sadie and Topaz's thoughts on how the thread had developed and if they are still of the same opinion about Mr A moving out... Cheerio

Sexy Sadies comments

I don't understand why arguing that the children come first gives women a bad name. In this case the wife has been the main carer!


Thats just it sexy sadie who was the woman "caring" for? Seems to me "she" was caring for herself and her new bit on the side!

I'll say no more!

Anyone want to know what happened to me ????

Hi...Mr A here. Thought I'd post a BIG update to tell you all whats happened !

After all the fall out of the demand that my wife made back in December, it's amazing how time changes things and how things have turned 180 degrees !!

YES she DID have a secret 2nd mobile, and even lied at a Relate councillored meeting as I asked her if she was seeing anyone else which she said no to. I eventually confronted her WITH hard evidence the day I moved to my parents in January and she couldn't get out of it !! She admitted she had talked to someone..but he was only a friend and she hadn't told me as she feared I'd go up the wall as it was a "he" not a "she". I told her telling lies is worse and that she had decieved me. I told her to break all contact with him and that her mum also told her to do this and that she had been a VERY silly girl.

When I returned from my parents 3 weeks later, the atmosphere was UNBELIEVALY bad. I NEVER thought it wlould be that bad, and felt it wasn't doign my emotional and physical state any good, and after much thought suggested I move out to a rented flat locally and we can live apart for a bit. She said she was happy with this suggestion and so I moved out on 1st march.

The first couple of months were sooooo lonely, though friends pulled together and slowly I aclimatised. We did attend 5 relate sessions, but my wife didn't seem to want to try and after the first session it was clear to me that this was "the end" of us and I slowly accepted this. During this time I had our daughter over EVERY weekend and she loved staying with me. We still spoke perfectly amicably and agreed we could agree finance splits and contact arrangements with our daughter between us amicably without the need for solicitors. We have A LOT of equity in our house.

Time passed and we were talking like old times and I REALLY thought that MAYBE there was light at the end of the tunnel even though we were going to split. I thought things looked to be going very amicably and we would part on good terms. THEN I started to chat to a few people online- which I thought I was perfectly allowed to do as we didn‘t live together anymore and we had agreed we were going to separate permenantly, one of the women I chatted to online I met up at a pub and still have her as a friend. She isn't my type but she's a good mate. Separated with 2 kids and lives local to me. She has since got herself a boyfriend anyway !!

That was in April and since then I have more than accepted things will end, but nothing seemed to be “happening” about telling our daughter and selling house, and although we had agreed to sit our daughter down and explain, still my wife didn’t arrange this. I started to think…Mmmmm ..Is she having second thoughts about the separation ? Anyway, things came to a bit of a head the weekend before last. She suddenly came out with…“Has it ever crossed your mind that we might get back together” !! I gave her an immediate NO ! and her reaction……. She burst into tears ! I felt this was a definite sign of her offering some sort of olive branch which I had refused to take. She agreed that she had instigated all this and that we couldn’t get back together just for our daughter and really she agreed we wouldn’t be getting back together. Now some of you may be wondering why I now say NO when before I would have done ANYTHING to get back together ! Well….. Basically as my wife didn’t want me anyone, I have since found someone else and she lives local to me and we get along like a house on fire, though its always like that in the beginning isn’t it !! I haven‘t told her about my new partner….yet, though it is early days and although we have both said we are “an item”, we are taking things slowly. The reason I haven’t told my wife yet is I fear she would go STRAIGHT to a solicitors “in anger” and do something rash. I am waiting until 6 months have elapsed since I moved out as by then she has NO grounds for divorce, ( you have to file for unreasonable behaviour within 6 months of the last “occasion” of UB ) and I can then let the thought of me with someone else sink in and it buys us some thinking time and we can sell the house at our leisure. Then after 2 years we agree to divorce and do it amicably !! Or at least that’s how I hope it goes !!!
Anyway, she dropped our daughter to me earlier tonight and we were chatting about various things quite amicably, until I mentioned me and our daughter visiting my friend and her kids last week. She said if I EVER do that again I wouldn’t be seeing our daughter and she’d go straight to a solicitor. I wasn’t scared as I felt she couldn’t do this and that it was a threat out of anger. People have told me tonight that she is “losing her control of me” and its her way of venting anger. She said “what if me and my friend develop into something” ? I said it can’t as she isn’t my type and she ahs a boyfriend now. She said she DID NOT want our daughter in someone else’s house that she didn’t know. I told her she would have to trust my judgement as I would NEVER put our daughter in danger, and would guard her with my life, but she still didn’t like it !!!

I have tonight spoken to my new partner and she feels the same as me. We both can’t see a problem as she is a friend who has kids and she is only jealous I am “moving on”. She said she does NOT want our daughter involved with any new prospective partner of mine EVER ! Or at least until our daughter has come to terms with things. Now I am (reluctantly) happy to do this but we have STILL to talk to our daughter even though I have mentioned it to my wife on several occasions and she has “gone off on one” telling me to stop nagging about it. I think she’s frightened to tell our daughter as that would make things “final” and again suggests she may have changed her mind about wanting a divorce. Only problem is…. I have moved on and don’t want her back. I don’t want the nagging back, I don’t want the moaning back, I don’t want the MASSIVE PMT mood swings back. I think my wife is depressed, but when I even suggested this she went off on one again !!! And told me I just thought she was “wrong in the head” !!

Anyone else agree ????