My heart is broken.

Went to the spiritualist church with sarah Was good. Felt quite emotional when i got back.
Was speaking to him – him on settee and me in hall he got up and shut the living room door.
Behaved like when he was seeing her. I opened it and he came out and got angry and said if only i knew what she did for him .... but he wouldn’t tell me as it would destroy me. Of course that in itself destroys me.
He said that our relationship has always been on a shaky foundation. That nothing was ever right. That he should of left when we had the row on the stairs... but he stayed because of oliver and harriet and now he is having to leave his child and he doesn’t like that.
He said i would find someone else. I told him i have always only wanted him. He said he has moved on and i need to move on. When spoke about the divorce and me saying to him should I go ahead that day begging and crying he said ‘i didn’t stop you and told you to go ahead’. He said he enjoyed his time with her the attention but she is staying with her husband, although he sort of contradicted by saying he has spoken lots to her and also saying he doesn’t know what she is doing as he is not speaking to her.... think there may be more to this saga yet....

He was saying he wants to move on and so should i. I have been saying to him for years i was not happy he was not good enough and he was ill in January and I didn’t help him wasn’t interested. That i went away and didn’t speak to him when i went away the weekend before i caught him.
But what about all the times i wanted to talk and he wouldn’t? He said if he bought me flowers every week for 5 years it wouldn’t be good enough. I wouldn’t be happy. He said he would be gone by Christmas and knew it would take him a good 5 years to get sorted. He said he wished me well and happiness but its over. He said about when i was ‘smug’ and put my new clothes on and paraded in front of him saying this what you are missing and i’ll easily get someone.
He said he never loved me as much as he should of and some time in the future he will start a relationship and be more focused on them. This is hurtful and upsetting as this is the thing i wanted. He said going out with her they could spend time on each other and we couldn’t do that because of the kids (the thing is all couples have this dilemma) !!
Its broken he doesn’t want to fix anything.

I don't see torture as such. I see pain. Yes, your heart is broken. I remember telling a friend that I felt he had ripped my heart out of my chest and jumped up and down on it!

You remind me of a place I was in almost 3 years ago. Hurt, angry, disappointed, feeling a failure, no confidence, need I go on? My ex said that we should talk, a few months after he was found out. In reality what actually happened was that we sat in the car with the 18month old baby sleeping in his car seat. I listened while he recollected every little thing I had ever done to upset him in our 20 odd year relationship! Even down to a dress I used to wear that he did not like! Wow! Then to top it off, I got the 'move on' speech. I didn't want to move on - I wanted to wake up and have everything back the way it was. Before. He just kept saying that some separated friends of ours had moved on, yet remained friends, he wanted us to be like that, me his friend. I still can't get my head round that one. I don't want friends like him - I need some respect.

It has taken a long time for me to rebuild my confidence. My baby is now at school and he saved me - gave me a reason to get up, take care of myself and fight to the death to keep the house. I still have some way to go but I know this much - I am being processed. Mid life crisis for him, roller coaster ride that I cannot get off of for me and my kids. I did the anger, the victim, the door mat, now the final hearing - only 6 weeks to go and counting. . . .

Funny, but in a way I almost want to thank the woman he left me for. She saw sense too and dumped him as did the one after that. I did meet a lovely bloke, out of the blue about 10 months after the split but I had nothing to offer, didn't know what I wanted, all I could talk about with the unfairness of it all. I wasn't good company so ended it at the point I was put on anti-depressants. Shame. I don't think I will be ready until the FH gives me an outcome. At this point I don't really care what it is, I just want closure. If I have to start again from scratch so be it. Nothing will ever be as difficult as this chapter in my life.

Be kind to yourself. Thinking of you x

Carrie.. Phoenix is right. You and her story are mine as well. Including the stupid sentences and the "gaslighting".. Remember the movie where the husband tries to drive the women insane with the flickering lights? Thats how I felt with sentences like: "I never loved you ( 24 years and two kids down the line), we were never happy etc".. and you ask yourself "Where have I been in all these years, was that all a dream.." and the next minute they say they never said that.
Mine went so far to tell me he did not sleep with me and her at the same time I must have imagined having sex with him...

What he is doing is lashing out senselessly. Imagine someone who is tossed about by a storm and an idiot gave him a sword...Half of it he does not realise, the other half he wants to hurt.. but at the same time regretts doing it.
DONT let things get to near you or they break you.
You feel like worthless shit.. you feel worse because they think you are not even worth to fight for and any flossy is better than you.
You are not.
You had a relationship for 20 years.
A friend of mine who has on and off relationships and a lot of likewise friends said to me.. you are not a relationship failure.. apart from you I dont know any woman who has been together with a partner for 24 years.

How old are you? I am 47 and you know what.. I give myself plenty of time to heal and why not have in 10 years (latest) another relationship for 20 years.

When I die.. I want to sing on my deathbed: "Non, rien de rien, non je ne regrette rien.."

He will mutter: Shit, Shit Shit

You start to sing girl and learn the lyrics...*Hugs*

and if you dont speak French try the old life saver:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qMuRtNvOnM

I think I watched that movied scared like a rabbit tucked in my blanket a million times in the last 15 month..

I love the deathbed songs! Can't sing in tune, but will be belting that out anyhow - thank you so much for making me smile

Carrie

I've been with my husband 31 years and married for 18, with 2 teenage sons. So I guess something in our relationship must have worked at some point.

My husband became very bad-tempered last year, which I naively put down to midlife crisis and worries about work.

By March things were so bad I suggested we separate. He said he didn't want to upset the kids as eldest was doing GCSEs but would go after that. I thought he meant it, but I think what he really meant was "I'm seeing someone else and if I can persuade her to take me in and feed me & do my laundry and provide sexual services, then I'll go".

May he told me about this other woman, and I had to keep his dirty secret till GCSEs were over. I am just beginning to deal with the pent up rage I feel about this.
He moved out beginning of July.
Since then, he's been on holiday with ow and her kids which he referred to as "our kids" when he was telling me about what a great time they had. His own sons? Well he took eldest out to play football once and the younger one out to play pool once, both activities ones which he enjoyed, so he hasn't really put himself out at all.

When he was still here I got all the bullsh*t about how we could stay friends - and still see our friends together (what, as a threesome?) and my Mum would probably be happy to meet his new girlfriend (WHAT?!)

And now I'm getting "you were so horrible to me I had no choice" routine.

It's so depressing to find that these men are pathetic cowards and all sing from the same songbook. Funny how at the end of a relationship they can recall everything you said and did to upset them, which they weren't able to tell you at the time.

They never want to talk about it when you do, either.

I am worth so much more than this and so are you!

Strange. I am a man going through a similar time to you guys. My ex and I are friends with a couple whose husband is /was thinking of leaving her. This female friend says to me it is very peculiar that my ex says to her exactly the same things her husband says to her, and she is sure they haven't spoken. I believe it is a guilt thing. They get tangled up in a new (and therefore very exciting) relationship and don't know what the hell to do. If they choose the new relationship then somehow they have to deal with the guilt. I am sure the conscience paves the way by telling them they are doing the right thing. They were never happy. They will always be happy with this new person etc.etc.
Hope you can understand these ramblings!
To conclude I think they behave this way and say these things because they are unconsciously dealing with their guilt and they believe it consciously all to be true.
Might be completely wrong though.

Dorsetphoenix, I agree with you about frienship. Trust, respect, similar values are what I look for in a friend. How can our ex's believe we can still be friends. Might have been different if we had separated and eventually they find a new partner.