Hi Matt, You've changed and seen the error of your ways & thats great. It might be too lateto save your marriage but you are in a good position with yourself for your next relationship, & as much as you think it won't happen again, it surely will!!!
Just keep learning as you are, for we are all here on earth to learn & to grow into better people. Your day will come again, she won't be the only woman you ever have in your life.
Look after yourself, stay sane, keep strong....
Cindy

Well, had my little man with me last night and now comes the hard part. Getting him up, washed, brekky and ready for school. How can something i used to take for granted, or even find a bit of a pain become so, so important to me now? He looks so grown up in his uniform it breaks the heart. Lol, he is grown up.......... Put his arms round me last night when i was upset and told his Daddy to "hold it together" and that he still loved me loads.
Gotta pack his little bag and take him back to his Mums.......then im alone again for another week, which is the hardest part of all this. Missing them both and the stark realisastion that this is the way its gonna be from now on!! Lol, i even keep a pair of his pjamas under my pillow so i can still feel him near me when im down, {funny how to a parent they never lose that baby smell isn't it?}
Sent her an email this morning........Wrote nothing on it personaly, just the lyrics to a song {along with the song attatched} that i've always liked but right now seems very apt to the situaition i've found myself in and says it all really. i chose email instead of a call or text as she has the choice to either open it and read or just delete it without a second thought so she wont think im harrasing her........Did i do right i wonder?......I dunno, but i had to do something to show her how much im still in love......

Thought for today.

Bugger!

Matt x

Hey!
You did right Matt.

Any action that is underpinned with Love is never wrong.

And good to hear a little about your son and see your posts heading in that direction.

You are investing wisely.

Keep telling you you've a good heart!

Had a very busy and traumatic weekend. Collecting my gear from the matrimonial home where now the new girlfriend and family now live all over where I and the kids once used to.

But, you know, anticipation of fear is greater than the moment of actually facing it.

Keep focussed and keep posting.

Mary
XXX

"anticipation of fear is greater than the moment of actually facing it".

You know.......i used to pride myself of not being afraid of anything or anyone........ Something she used to ask me about frequently, i mean, whats the worst i could be looking at really? A bloody nose or a few broken bones, nuffing to be scared of. But i never realised or told her my real fear was losing her.....something i have feared since the day i met her. Now a broken heart?........ Gimme a full body cast anytime.

Matt x

Blimey! You've given me something to wrestle with on that one Matt! Cheers!!!

Okay.

I want to say straight away that if the possibility of losing your wife WAS your greatest fear then, yet again, you are displaying enormous personal courage in how you are coping and dealing with it, especially without synthetic [and expensive, in every sense of the word!] 'crutches' like alcohol. [And, by the way, I don't mean that to sound like a put-down on using drink, I give my crutch a hefty bashing most nights myself at the moment, but I'm aware that it will not transform or change anything, other than my bank balance or my mental health, and is NOT the answer].

I know exactly what you mean, and there IS no pain like Loss. The grief and physical hurt is searing.

And if you are now facing a loss which is your greatest fear realised then you ARE [I say again] a very courageous person. True courage is not the absence of fear but the mastery of it. Courage is the personal armour we wear when we confront, acknowledge and address our fear. And its far greater than the strongest body cast.

And I take your point, fully. The anticipation of fearing the event may not always be greater than the guts it takes to navigate its waters.

However, I would say this.
It is all relative to each individual and each circumstance and it also depends on whether the momentum has actually taken you forward and resolution or acceptance has stepped in. Often, we only realise where we are in our 'recovery' after the fact. But I think that sometimes we think we are further ahead than we are [life is sometimes kind that way, it's self-protection at its best] and that we are actually in denial-mode or the anticipation-of-fear phase for longer than we care to admit. I'll freely admit that I did. I anticipated, for example, that it 'might not be over', that it wasn't cast-in-concrete with resolve, that I hadnt gone past that 'there's no going back' point of balance.

The moment you turn and truly embrace your fear is the moment at which you begin to learn to master it. Not before. And not until you are ready. Each in his own time. And there are no rules on this one. Coping strategies, yes. Hard-and-fast rules: no.

Our greatest fear very often involves the anticipation of some form of Loss: loss of control, loss of identity, loss of income, loss of reputation, loss of life­style­, loss of our children as they grow up, and, of course, loss of those whom we love and are loved by. And lets not forget possibly the daddy of them all: loss of life.
It is the projected possibility of loss that we fear, not the fear in itself. Because, when and if that loss does takes place [our fear made manifest], mostly we are already well past its threshold: traversing its stormy waters; caught fast in the icy grip of its momentum. And it has its own momentum. The more you fight against it, the more it takes you down. The more you try to force it, the longer it takes for healing to begin. The more you try to convince yourself with false premises, the longer your true recovery which will be borne from a strong and real place, rather than a weak and synthetic one.

As I said before about Loss: we need to learn to walk in step with it: not try to run ahead of it without fully confronting it. Otherwise it will always be at your back.

Is it possible to separate fear and loss in order to try and see each more clearly?
Yes, we feel fear when we are afraid. But are you honestly afraid of feeling the fear? Or is it that you are afraid of facing the actual Loss itself, and all the associated implications that that loss will bring?

I know it sounds like semantics but there's a difference between those two and it's a fundamental difference. When I saw it for myself I was able to separate the two and it helped me move forward enormously.

Sorry to ramble but thinking, reflecting and evaluating helps us to understand more about ourselves so I have learnt a little more aboout myself in the process of writing this. Made me realise something very fundamental about my break-up whilst I was writing it so there you go.

And you know what 'they' say about a broken heart, don't you Matt?

Next time.

Lol,
Mary
XXX

Hiya Mary
Thanks for the reply and am trying to take it all on board and one day at a time.......But not getting anywhere.
Still fear, pain, love, sympathy, empathy, anger, lonelyness, hurt, jelousy, anger {again}, revenge, more fear.........
Stop this rollercoaster, i've had enough now.

Matt

Matt,
Know exactly what you mean.
Am there myself.
Today is not going to be a good day.
XXX