I've just read through these posts again, and there are so many wise words. You can take pieces from each post and string them together, and it would still make sense.

As manager said, you must accept your part in it all, otherwise you'll go round in circles if you keep 'missing' that vital bit of information out.

However, you must also avoid turning all the blame back on yourself, which I confess, I find very easy to do. They also did things to hurt, probably the very things they accused you of in the final blow out.

Fairly or unfairly, we couldn't have been all they wanted, or think they want, or they'd still be here. Time will tell if they find what they want, even if they think they have already got it. And whilst our instinct, especially in adultery cases is to wish them un-fulfilment in their future relationships, you know what? They may now have or may find the person that is better for them. That person is not necessarily better than you, just different. Writing this is making me fill up, as I am still hurting badly, but it's the truth, and it can hurt.

I too was told I was boring & dead, when I thought I was just looking after the best interests of my family. Now, as a reaction to this, I'm not going to change, it's who I am, I have no reason to. For me, to suddenly change is almost a betrayal of our marriage, and changing only to 'show her'. Any change should have happened in the marriage, not once it has gone. I really enjoyed going out with her, but the dynamics in our relationship changed, and buying a new house also meant cutting back the fun for a while. It was during this period her switch was flicked. The very thing that was to bring us together, drove us apart.

My main problem with all of this is my damaged relationship with my children, this is where I think she is wrong & selfish. Also when she eventually gets 'it' out of her system, and finds her new steady man, he will be part of their lives, doing 'fatherly' things with them. Still can't cope with this, oh no!

Cheers

Heath

Many wise words are spoken on this site and you have to take what you need from it. A couple of things from your post stick out. Buying a new house. An excitng thing to do , very stressfull but exciting. Its called pulling the rope together for the good of you both. Yep its hard but dont the words for better or worse come into play here. So why the split just cos it was tough for a while. Yep I was also told Id become boring....yep it was her who fell asleep every Saturday because she 'said' she was to tired to go out. No you cant change the way you are but you can improve on it as many people on this site are proving. Id also add that advice is easy to give...hard to take !!! Polar

Hi Polar

She misconstrued my keeping an eye on the finances (the new house really did stretch us) as control. This made her even more sensitive to other things that weren't quite right, but not relationship threatening.

Resentments grew, as she felt more & more controlled, and I felt a lack of commitment from her to the undertaking we had made. I felt she wanted this cake, but still wanted all the other cakes too. I was happy with my new big cake, and could wait for the fancy pastries till later.

Instead of doing the sensible thing and nipping it in the bud, we took our eyes off the bigger picture (kids, marriage, love etc), put our ­b­link­­ers on and became embroiled in a petty tit for tat war. As we went on, her demands for our finances became greater, my responses matched them. I also became quite despondant, and pretty much gave up. We have two children, who in my eyes, depend on us for a stable home, both in love from their parents and financially. With the situation as it ended, they were getting neither. I think towards the end, she was purposely pushing me to get a negative response so she could justify her cheating.

Hopefully some people can draw parallels with their life in my ramblings, and along with other members experiences, find help in them. I've found great help in blending advice from here with the stuff I've got sort out for myself.

Heath

Hi Heath /all

I guess I have to agree with you . It really hurts and it doesnt seem fair , but we couldnt have been all they wanted or thought they needed. Am sure its different if both agree that the relationship is over , still painful but different . Its just so hard to wish them well when youre so hurt . My stbx wishes me well!! I guess it would ease his guilt if I got on happily without him!

When I say I'm not blameless, I mean it. However, that is not me taking the blame for the split. My ex wanted the split - she broke the 'bond' and the family. I do not take the blame for our break up. It's not nice to admit it even to myself but it just helps me to know I could have made more of an effort with her.

One of the reasons for our divorce was that I worked too hard. I did, but I had my own business, hefty mortgage and thought that was the right way forward. Funnily enough, so did she until 'something' turned her head.

I was a good dad and husband. I'm sure she won't find anyone better - different yes, more exciting perhaps, but the excitement dies off.

We were no different to anybody else and the challenges we had in our marriage will have been similiar to those in most marriages. You have to show a bit of backbone and work at things, whatever those things are.

We all have our stories and opinions, but ultimately, what we had has gone. Very, very difficult to accept especially if you loved or still love your ex and think of them with the other person and their new life.

Our ex's have found a new life and moved on so we must find a new life and move on. So simple!

This aside i cannot believe she would do this and go this far, i want revenge on him, he stole my wife but i know this is not the answer.
Hi,

I am feeling your sorrow. I have been there and done that. Not just with my stbx, but also with a previous husband. He was my life for 12 years and all of a sudden he wanted out- because he found someone else. I could not handle it, I never experienced trauma in my life and had no coping skills for the emotional roller coaster. I went kind mental breakdown and was hospitalized back in the states. Thats where I learned the skills and thinking to go on with my life w/o him. I realized it was NOT my fault, there was NOTHING wrong with me, that is was HIM. So, I do know your pain. Now I'm dealing with another man. The one who once made me the happiest person in my entire life but ruined it since he punched me. And lied to me. The trust is gone but I feel relieved that I know how to deal with the loss.
But you should not be angry at the man- it was your wife that cheated. Your wife who you and the 'other' man will no longer be able to trust, (yea, I believe once a cheater, always a cheater).
Go on without her. Even if she came crawling back to you, would you really be able to live a normal life and trust her? I think I wouldn't. Frankly, that would be my worse fear- ALWAYS, EVERYDAY, FOREVER......
You are better than her. Now be better to yourself. Time is the answer and it will soon be here for you!
If you need a friend I will be one!

Thank you everyone.

Not online much now so apologies for delay here.

I feel lonely even though i've got great friends and i appreciate everyones advice and suggestions.

The last post helped too, nice to know i've got virtual friends too.

I will get through this, i've got to for me, the girls, my parents and my friends - so many reasons and i dont want to let anyone down.

Thanks again and stay strong everyone - we will beat this!!!

C.