Hi Ephelia
Interesting post , I just wonder at the idea that its ok or understandable that someone cheats if they feel theyve been emotionally neglected . All relationships are different of course but all go through ups and downs . If a partner is less attentive for a while , perhaps through stress at work , family commitments , health problems etc , does that mean that its ok for the other to find comfort elsewhere?
And how is this action going to help ? Even if the cheated spouse doesnt know about the affair , it will still affect the relationship , how can it not if one person is lying and cheating and then feeling guilty about it !
As sara says its the betrayal and lies that hurt the most .

I just HAD to post here, not been following this thread i started for a few days.
Well, it was said that a man may have an affair if his wife isn't there emotionally or sexually for him?
My stbx has tried to explain why he looked atthis other woman that he had the affair with, and he is STILL seeing her on a daily basis.
He says its because i stopped paying him so much attention and he met her in April 2007 at work, she was a client of his & he liked her and asked her out on a date. He reminded me that i had asked him to 'give me some space for a few days'......and he said that my comment wounded him after 16 years together. Might i add that just a few months before this i had lost my younger brother suddeenly to heart failure (no idea he was ill) and that he died on the very day the hospital rang me to say my father was deteriorating & there was nothing left to do for him, i had to prepare for his death. My mother who was divorced from my father & living alone had a major breakdown & i was the only one that could try to care for her, i was grieving my brother, arranging his funeral, visiting my father daily in hospital & preparing to say goodbye (I even told the funeral home i didnt want my brothers funeral planned until my father passed away, so we could have a double funeral, it was a nightmare time) all the time i was caring for my mother who was literally drugged up on sleepers & valium at age 68. My fatthers death hit me hard, i was so close to him, more than i was my mother, but still i carried on trying to cope. My stbx started getting angry that i wasnt there for him 24/7 like i had been for so many years, and thats when i asked him to please give me a little space & time to grieve, look after mother etc etc. I only wanted one week without having to feel guilty for neglecting my hubby.
Well, did he understand this? No, he took it personal, told me later he thought i wanted rid of him for good & thats why he asked the woman out on a date!
In my hazy days that followed the funerals I saw my stbx daily, cooked his meals, got myself better & strong again (this took a few weeks i admit) but i dedicated my life back to my marriage and thought he understood my pain. It was 9 months later that i discovered his double life!
May i also add that my stbx was an alcoholic when i met him, but sobered up 3 years ago. When he put the drink down he fpund he was impotent, he saw numerous drs & psychologists etc, they all said it was in his mind, nothing they could do for him. I didn't mind at all, i loved my husband and told him it wouldnt make me think any less of him, that i would stand by him etc etc
So, does anyone feel my stbx REALLY had a right to run to another woman? I still dont know if they have a sex life, i doubt it, but if he does good luck to them both.
I find it hard to forgive him for the pain he put me through last year.
Anyway, thats my ranting over, and now you know a bit more about the reason i'm divorcing my stbx.
Affairs ALWAYS cause pain, i disagree with them totally, if a marriage is over the partner should say so & leave before meeting someone new.
Just my views, but i've never ever thought of cheating despite being in 2 bad marriages.
Take care,
Cindy

I was asked:

'Care to explain why you are always so compassionate to cheating spouses? Maybe you are looking for your own closure; (either being a cheating spouse / or the other woman perhaps?)'

I've never been a cheating spouse - I, like many of you, believe that you should end one relationship before starting another - in fact preferably long before starting another. Neither am I the woman who broke up my current partner's marriage. Why must I have have an ulterior motive in order to express compassion for others?

I'm now almost 50 and have discovered over 5 decades that life is rarely, if ever, simple or black and white. I know that it simply isn't true that everyone who 'cheats' on their spouse is evil/stupid/thoughtless/selfish - maybe some are and maybe it makes people feel better to vent by describing their errant spouse in this way. However, some people who cheat are sad/lonely/desperate/despairing and I see no reason to apologise for feeling comapassion for them. In these circumstances both spouses deserve compassion.

This doesn't mean I am trying to justify their actions - I am not. I agree with you all that it would be better if they didn't cheat. It would be better if they could solve their sexual and emotional problems in some other way but sadly not everyone knows how to escape from their problems.

'It would be better if they could solve their sexual and emotional problems in some other way but sadly not everyone knows how to escape from their problems.'

Ephelia, thats so true, my stbx has been mixed up in a world of alcoholism most of his life, he has no idea how to deal with emotions, stems from his childhood i know that. This is why i forgive him a little for what he did to me, i havent forgiven him fully yet, but i'm sure i will before i properly move on.
Cindy

I think the temptation for a weak person just becomes too much. They have no regard for the vows they have made, and in most cases, it is the person that cheats that is the weak partner is the marriage. They are the weak ­link­.
My ex husband, we were married 22 years and known each other 25 had a brilliant marriage, two boys, never argued, we both had our own interests and I supported him in many expensive sports that he decided he needed to participate in. I never had any problem with all the women he used to work with, indeed, I used to have them round for meals, and stay the night, all of them were lovely, and good fun.
I never had a problem with the conferences he went on. Never. I used to be very friendly with his secretary and her husband and again we had some great times.
The last year of our marriage, whilst he was having an affair with one of the little girls from work, not one that used to come around, who apparantly needed a shoulder to cry on!!! he used to still kiss me goodbye in the morning, phone me during the day, and then phone me on his journey on the way home at night. As far as I am aware there were no problems with our marriage!!! I never had a clue, I was the one that used to say, get a hotel, it is silly you driving all that way home if you have a meeting early in the morning.
Just thinking about him and the stresses he had at work.
I was too trusting, and made it easy for him to carry on his affair. I never questioned him on anything. The thought never entered my head.
So when he one night within the space of 10 minutes, told me that he did not love me and was leaving, got in the car and went, it was a complete shock.
The funniest thing, if you can call it that, was a couple of weeks after he had gone, one of our neighbours told me that they were having a dinner party and that my ex and I were the couple that they least thought would ever split up. What an actor my ex must have been. No-one knew.
There is no excuse I can think of that you should cheat on your h/w, no excuse. If the marriage has broken down and you both agree that is so, then that is the time to seek a divorce. Being a cheat is the real sign of a weak, pathetic person. But they will blame everything and everybody for their actions.
He has been with GF and had two children, he is knackered, does not have time for our boys.
I just consol myself with at 70ish he is going to have a pre menopausal gf and two daughers with hormones just waiting to BURST Hope he will be able to afford all the medication that goes with that. He will need it.
I dislike him more now than I ever did at the start. I think he is pathetic and so do our children.
Phew.......
Zara

PS dont want the cheating git back she is more than welcome to him, mind you as the age gap is quite a large one, she might be looking for a younger model soon!!!!
What goes round comes round as they say.
Two cheats together, not always the best combination

Hi Zara, i too was too trusting during my 16 yr marriage, just like you I made his women colleagues welcome in my home for dinners, never questioned where he went when he was out & about in his car. You would think you could trust a marriage partner wouldn't you? You're right though, they're pathetic & weak & they do end up being the weakest ­link­, losing everything.
I wouldnt want to be your hubby trying to keep a woman that young happy for long lol Hope she dumps him for a younger man soon, my bet is she will, and where will he try to run to? Hopefully it will be too late for him!
Take care
Cindy