I'm stressed out to the max with this subject. Ok here's my story. Please give me advice. My husband is living with another woman. He has been depressed for quite sometime. Well I don't know if he's depressed or maybe suffering from bipolar disorder. He's been miserable for about as long as I've know him. He says he's confused and doesn't know if he wants to be with me or this other woman. I say "leave me out of the equation because you're living with someone dickwod" but we have a son together so we have to communicate. He gets in these moods sometimes and calls me he's all depressed ready to end his life and so I try to calm him down. He says "if you say you don't ever want me back then I'm just going to end it now" So of course I tell him "who knows maybe one day" Then the next day he's fine and living happily ever after with the other woman. Then the next week he's says it again. He's so on and off it's confusing. I would just like to say leave me alone and leave it at that when he says that to me but I don't want to live with that guilt if he were to actually kill himself.
He really does need help. He knows it too but still refuses to get any.

Dear sj65
Welcome to Wiki,
Your ex is doing his best to blame you and try and make you feel guilty. Threatening to do something to himself is just a way of keeping you in his control. You are not to take the blame for his behaviour. He is acting like a child and you are his 'mummy' having to approve his dysfunctional behaviour and at the same time wants you to put up with him living with another woman.
He feels guilt, and wants to transfer it onto you by saying that he will do something to himself. If he kills himself, that is his decision and not your fault. He has decided to leave and live with another woman, he will have to face the consequences of the feelings of guilt.
This must be so upsetting for your son, your ex should be thinking about him, not wallowing in his own self-pity.
You might have to take measures to prevent him from keep contacting you, he is just using these opportunities to try and 'make' you feel sorry for him.
I am sure you will get more advice on this from other members. But you will have to put a stop to his silly behaviour.
Hope you keep strong and your son is ok
zara

Dear sj65
My stbx also suffers severe depression and has all of his life. He also left me 18 months ago for a younger woman, well, he led a double life for a year, i had no idea he had anyone else! Ive given him many chances in the past to sort our marriage out but all he used to say was 'I dont even know what or who i want in life, im so mixed up' Anyway, eventually i filed for divorce & he confessed to adultery. Since then he has wanted to be friends with me & pops round on a daily basis for a cuppa, he texts & rings me constantly & confides in me all of his problems with his depression, he's always said im the only one that truly know him & can sort his head out!
Anyway, i told him a few days ago i wanted to stop all contact, that he needs to make a life with his new woman & let me start a new life with a man ive just met. That night he text me a long suicide note, saying he didnt want to live anymore, that he was so sorry for hurting me, that if it weren't for me he would have died years ago etc
I immediately thought he was controlling me again, waiting to see if i jumped in a taxi & went to him (he was in his own home, not at his mistresses). Anyway, i decided not to go but i did ring him & said, ;If you want to kill yourself then go ahead, i'm not to blame if you're suicidal and cant cope witth what you've done, you've brought on your own misery by having an extra long affair & caused the divorce, you've nobody to blame but yourself, i'm not the one you should be running to now, go tell your mistress how you feel & let her deal with it!'
Within 5 minutes he text me and said, 'I've changed my mind, i'm not going to do it yet, i'm going to my AA meeting instead'
So i was right, it was blackmail & a way of getting me to communicate with him again. I bet my life he went straight round to his mistress's house as if nothing had happened!
You need to let go emotionally and realise how clever & controlling he is, call his bluff, he wont end his life, but if he did, it wouldnt be your fault at all. I mean, he has a new woman in his life now, if he isnt happy with her then SHE is to blame!!
Just my advice from personal experience, hope it helps,
Cindy

Hi cindygirl
It was hard for me to explain, but coming from experience you managed to make it much clearer.
People that threaten suicide very very very rarely do it, they are looking for attention and feeling sorry for themselves and have to blame someone else.
Glad you are ok too cindygirl, I hope sj65 will be feeling better too very soon.
Keep posting sj65
zara

Hi Zara, I'm doing fine thanks, you're so right, if they threaten suicide they rarely carry it out, its just attention-seeking to get a response, very childish i think!!!
How are you doing Zara? Hope today finds you well,
Cindy

sf65 wrote:
He says he's confused and doesn't know if he wants to be with me or this other woman. I say "leave me out of the equation because you're living with someone dickwod"

He's discovered that the answer to his problems was not between her legs!

And you understanding him better than anyone: he needs to come back to you because of what's between your ears.

I agree with what the others' have said re: using emotional blackmail; and projecting his blame onto you.

He's ill. But if he's with another woman, he needs to go to her for help and support; not expect it from you!

Bottom line: His illness is making you ill, and unless he deals with HIS issues; there's little point in assuming he'll make a mraculous recovery and be in a 'well space' to have a sound marriage.

Can i also add that ive realised the pattern with my stbx. He needs to know i'm still around & single in case his new woman dumps him? He also contacts me saying he's depressed because he's maybe had a big fall-out with her!! When the goings good with her i hardly hear from him, if its bad he texts me constantly saying how sorry he is for hurting me etc I just dont listen anymore, i'm getting on with my own life & i want him to do the same. He will get the message soon!
Cindy