After a turbulant marriage of 10 years, i finally got the courage to ask him to leave. We have 4 children, 2 his and 2 from my previous marriage, all at home atm, although the older two are adults now. He cried a bit and really doesn't see his faults, but started looking for a place..I was already in contact with solicitors from years before so got the paperwork under way again. When he got the papers he was even more upset and crying etc..anyway, I survived that one..but then he joined a dating site, and did it in the same room, even went out on a date, and sadly i saw his emails, it was horrible the things he said, they were the lines used on me years ago, plus many more. BTW, he was on these sites a day after getting the papers..he had always 'chatted' with women. I know i shouldn't care as I just want him gone, I'm tired of his emotional abuse.

I tried a separation agreement, he didn't like that and said we could be amicable...of course one thing i wrote down was if he went out on a friday then i should go on a saturday...but to this he said it was stupid as we always talked anyway. so the next day was Friday, he went out on a date..or drinking and Saturday came, and he said he was going out again..(even though I made plans with my older daughter to go out for an evening and relax).

Gah this is getting long now!!
Anyway the solicitor letters arrived about the kids, I have to say she was really blunt in it, and that kinda felt odd. And I was still REALLy upset by him dating, I shouldn't of been but i was, I even followed him which I am ashamed to admit, and although i asked him to leave, I feel hurt and rejected. This is the 3rd time I have had a solicitor involved, and I am determined to go through it. SO we sat down with the letter, and that didn't go down well either, he still lives in the house at the moment. we talked that night and horribly one thing led to another..I don't regret it at all, as my mind was still fixed. But again he said we can just talk about these things, the next day I wrote a long email, saying I don't want to hurt him or be mean, but I do want him to leave. He responed very cageily, but I felt happier this would end ok, and he would move on.

Since then, he has constantly been on the sites fixing dates etc, and it really hurts...why do I feel like that when I want him to go anyway? I've told him it hurts me, and he still does it. He says I was mean and hurtful having solicitors..but then he continues to do this...I feel I'm all over the place, I can't think straight, I forever checking up on him but I KNOW I want him to leave. But I don't understand why I feel this way.

I don't have no one else and no intention of it, after the emotional hell I've gone through, my confidence and self esteem are totally gone to pieces. I am finding it really hard to stand my ground, he thinks he has done no wrong, and I feel I have no backbone and take all the blame although I know it takes two.

I keep a dairy, each day is full of hope and disappointment.

Any advise is appreciated.

Hi tabatha,
I have been exactly where you are, in the same situation, encountering the same feelings, my x was seeing 4 women he met on various dating sites, we tried to reconcile and he told me he would give it 110%, I found out he was still seeing all these other women at the same time as seeing me.
i too couldnt help but go through all his emails and sites he went on to see what he had put and how he described himself.
you are not going mad, it is just one way of convinciing yourself that you are doing the right thing, especially with him trying to stay in the home and trying to win you back, he doesnt want you back, he just wants to find another mug who will put up with the mental cruelty, wash his clothes and cook his food.
these men have the gift of the gab when talking to these women, he will sound so genuine whether he is talking to you or to them, they are lies, he has had lots of practice with you over the years.
dont give in to him, pack all his things and tell him to go.
a few words of caution, he will try to get and get back with you once he moves out and before he does go, make a note of all the bank accounts, mortgage details, savings or any other financial information that might be useful for later, especially if it is on his computer as he will take it with him.
you will feel stronger once he's gone and you will have good and bad days, please take heart as i now feel so much better, laugh more, cry through laughing so much, have fun and enjoy my life so much more than i ever would if i had stayed with him.
kindest thoughts
dawn

Tabatha,

First of all have a (((hug))) I bet I am not the last to offer it, so I will get in first!

Not sure why this happens, but it does, often, my ex, was registered and chatting on dating sights within 48 hours of us agreeing to split. She needed to fill my space straight away, and she made it her mission in life, had no thought for me, I knew we were over, but she could have waited for us to have gotten things straight, she didnt see it that way, we are all different, I guess, but all I can say is that 17 months later, a new lady in my life is not something I am ready for!

Anyway, all I can say is that you need to make steps to put him in a position where he can move out, asap, sort out details on access, money, the house, etc, seems like he has accepted you are at an end, dont let him make you feel even more worthless about yourself.

You are where you are, you dont want to be with him anymore, he is not behaving nicely, and you want him out, so make it happen, see it through this time, if it is what you want.

Good luck

GM

Tabatha, i agree with Goodman, you need to get him out, you know what you truly want & thats rid of him. He is doing this dating stuff to blackmail you into asking him to give it another go. He doesnt really want these women, its just payback time for you.
Don't fall for it unless you really want to go back to how it was with him, he will never change, can you put up with him in the future?
Good luck,
Cindy

Thank you all for the kinds words and advise. It's good to see I am not going mad, was sure starting to feel it.

I got drunk last night (yeah stupid I know), but I felt so low. Unfortunatly it meant I said things exactly as they were, whether it hurt or not. Of course I was accused of being drunk, couldn't argue against that but I knew what I said, maybe I needed the dutch courage..I dunno.

Anyway, he looked horror struck and really hurt, especially this morning, so I now sit here feeling guilty, although I needed to say the things. I mean he hasn't spent much time looking for somewhere else to live, or even with the kids, building things stronger with them, his energy seems to be going into the places to 'comfort' him I guess.

Anyway, still feeling low, but pleased I said the things, sad I was drunk to do it (I am sure that will come back on me), I feel I have let myself down on that one. Now to deal with the guilt I feel...I hate and really hate hurting people and being mean, of course he knows that.

They call it dutch courage dont they?

Not sure I get where you are coming from, you said somethings that might have hurt his feelings?

He has been going out dating other women, whilst still living with you and your children!

Cant think what you could have said that even compairs with his behaviour!

Stay strong, start with the basics, where can he go an live, to give you space from each other, whilst he looks for somewhere to live? How often, where and when will he / can he see the children, basics of the monthly finances etc.

Talking about this stuff, in a direct way might feel hard, but you need to be practical!

Good luck

GM

Thanks Goodman for responding.

I tried to deal with finance and visitation. First verbally, where he said as I could work, but don't (as I want to be home for my children) that he doesn't want to pay me for staying home. But he agreed he would do CSA (boy they take their time). So that conversation didn't go well, although he agreed to go..and we can just work things out!!

So I wrote a separation agreement, detailing everything, but he squashed that too, saying we could just talk about things...but he just does his own thing anyway. I am trying to sort out finances, I have bills looming in a few days and nothing to pay them with. He did pay some money for food YAY!!

I am really happy he sees the children whenever he wants and I don't want them to be the injured party in all this, but he doesn't spend the time with them like he did a few months ago. I am hoping that improves when he moves out. I felt I was being generous with proposed arrangments for them. He just wants to play everything by ear, which I find hard not knowing and think its unfair to the children as well.

My first divorce was so easy compared to this.