My X2B cheated on me as a punishment because I was slipping out of HIS control. He used the other woman as a pawn in his little game.
Now I truly believe, I'm better off without him.
GKx

Gingerkitty wrote:
My X2B cheated on me as a punishment because I was slipping out of HIS control. He used the other woman as a pawn in his little game.
These 'other women' usually are nothing more than a pawn in whatever stupid chapter of the Control game ex happens to be playing. The biggest loser is your ex; because he's lost the woman he truely loved and married.

In trying to control you; he's lost you.

Sera - you are SOOOO right.
X2B has lost me and the life­style­ I provided for him. Sadly, he has also lost his two children who are the most beautiful, wonderful and supportive children. They now look in disgust at the way he has controlled my life as they are happier that I have found a new ME and boy do I like being ME again.
I have my days of sinking into that big black hole, but now climb out resolutely and quickly move further forward.
We can all do this, takes more time for some than others. I didnt realise how much my X2B had brainwashed me over the years into his ways and like the Queen of Hearts used to quote to him "ALL WAYS HERE ARE MY WAYS" - which he couldnt see - none so blind eh?
I now have a rosy future once I can get this divorce and financials out of the way. I look forward to my new life with excitment and know as the song goes "I WILL SURVIVE" - whilst my X2B has no rosy future and he cannot now take away the strength I have gained on my long journey.
GKx

I think Scooby's important point has been overlooked, which is a pity because it is a very good one: he said, 'I can perceive only 2 reasons why someone cheats on you. The only one that I think should be forgiven is if for a while the other party has neglected them emotionally.'

I have a good friend who cheated on his wife and I could never understand why such an otherwise kind and thoughtful man could behave this way, so I asked him about it. He said his wife didn't like or want sex very often and the consequence of this was that he ended up feeling very distant from her; her life seemed to flow on quite happily without him most of the time, she seemed happy and was busy with her life and he was left feeling like a spare appendage, just fitting in when allowed.

Over the years he felt less and less able to connect emotionally with her because he felt her rejection of his sexuality was a rejection of something fundamental about him (and I can understand this as those warm moments after sex are those when my partner is most likely to open up to me emotionally).

I asked if they spoke about this and he said they did but she told him it was normal to go off sex when you were in a relationship for a long time - 'all my mates say the same thing'.... He suggested Relate, they went, talked about this a lot but nothing changed. She told him she didn't like sex and if he loved her he'd accept that; he said he needed a little sex and if she loved him she'd at least try and find out why she didn't want it, in case she could rediscover the physical attraction she once felt for him. She did nothing.

Shortly after the Relate trip he was away on business, feeling lonely, got chatting to a women, and to cut a long story short, started an affair. He then thought long and hard what to do, whether to leave his wife; but he loved his wife, although no longer in the way he had when they married because he didn't know her any more - after years of feeling emotionally distant, she'd become almost a stranger - but he didn't hate her and couldn't bring himself to disrupt her life and make her unhappy because of a relationship that was primarily about sex - the part of him she didn't want anyway (so he rationalised...).

There were also kids involved and he couldn't bear the thought of losing them and not seeing them on a daily basis. He was a good Dad and he had a good relationship with them.

So he stayed in the marriage and carried on the affair and hated himself for it; self hatred became too much, so he finished the affair. He tried to talk about this all again with his wife, another trip to Relate, same circular conversations, neither side able to find a compromise. Off on another business trip, another affair, eventual self loathing, end of affair, talk with wife (not about the affairs, she knew nothing of those). This went on for years.

Finally he could take no more and he left his wife. Everything he thought would happen did. His wife hates him with a passion; kids only ever heard her side of the story, so now won't speak to him and she took her pain out on him by arguing over the marital finances, which she felt she deserved most of because he'd cheated on her... In the end, the court distributed them fairly and in pretty much the same proportions that he'd suggested at the start of the divorce but at a cost of £25K.

He'd never cheated on a woman before this point in his life (he was in his late 30s when he started); he says he'll never cheat again - he hated that double life. He cheated under one set of circumstances and doesn't want to repeat that. He says he wished he'd left her much sooner than he did; he said he made what he thought was the right decision for the right reasons but he was wrong.

So, is he a demon? I'm sure his wife would echo the sentiments voiced by many of the woman on this site who have been cheated on, would she be right? I'm not saying all the women on this site voicing those sentiments are like his wife, many of you are perfectly justified in your anger but is it not possible that a small number of those cheating husbands are like my friend?

I think Scooby is right that if a man cheats on his wife for any other reason that's deplorable and their wives are perfectly en­title­d to be very angry and distressed BUT I think what I'm saying is that its too glib to assume ALL men who cheat are the same. Some cheat for understandable (not necessarily right) reasons and they deserve sympathy and compassion.

We're all flawed human beings after all...

Very good post Ephelia, but I would like to point out that the reverse also happens. I have a female friend who done the same, as her husband didn't like/enjoy sex.

She had a very good relationship with her husband otherwise, but ended up leaving him for the other man as she felt so guilty about betraying her husband

In the end she finished with the other man and when I asked her why she said it was because it was only ­base­d on sex and very little else and wish she had never left her husband.

It's a bit of a double edged sword isn't it? Stay with a loving loyal husband/wife, but be frustrated or live a life you may regret??

Phoenix1

I'm sure the reverse does happen; I guess its true that life's never simple!

Ephelia wrote:
So he stayed in the marriage and carried on the affair and hated himself for it; self hatred became too much, so he finished the affair..........

We're all flawed human beings after all...

Ephelia,

Care to explain why you are always so compassionate to cheating spouses? Maybe you are looking for your own closure; (either being a cheating spouse / or the other woman perhaps?)I'm not being judgmental; but cheating is often more to do with emotional holes in the adulterers life; and assuming the answer is elsewhere.

Your friend should have ended his marriage before embarking on an affair. If it was simply OK to assume he had the right to sleep elsewhere; then why did he not just explain that to his wife at the time!? Reason: He probably knew that the BETRAYAL of his marriage vows would end his marriage.

His wife had every right to be upset. It is often the act of BETRAYAL and LIES that sting the most; and not the fact that he was poking some other tart. If you are the other woman, then it is obvious that a man still married - is not emotioanlly in a well-space to be moving on, until he has sevred ties with his wife.

That is why so many (dumped) Wiki-posters ­object­ so much to these 'flawed human beings'.

Indeed; if you knowingly do anything in your marriage that would emotionally crush your spouse; then if you truely loved them, you simply wouldn't do it!